Being grateful actually makes you MORE HAPPY than getting more money or buying a sweet ass car or dream home. Our brains tell us this isn’t true, but the science backs it up. My brain is one of them. Honestly, I think I would be 100 times more happy if I had a bigger house vs if I expressed gratefulness about things every day…but the research doesn’t back it up. And, if I really think about it, once I get something I’ve wanted for a long time, it does give me happiness for a minute…but then there I am – wanting the next thing, or thinking about how the thing I have isn’t all that great now that I have it.

I talk about positivity and how I am focused on living my life with that type of mindset. However, I am human. I am a pregnant human with hormones and indigestion. I have 2 strong willed daughters who are adjusting to this new normal. I’m married to a man who gets joy out of being a complete dick sometimes.

So, while I constantly try to live with a positive mindset, I definitely have my moments of sheer exhaustion and “woe is me” pity parties.

I get sad. I get annoyed and depressed. I am human.

I forgot how much being pregnant sucks. 32 weeks in and I’m fucking done. I want my body back. I want to be able to see all my parts without tucking my belly in and stretching my neck out like a damn giraffe. I want to be able to bend down without grunting like an 80 year old man. I want to eat what I want to eat and not worry about another human when I do.

Which brings me to diabetes, and the fact that I failed my 1 hour glucose test recently.

I’ve dealt with Santa and actually somewhat enjoyed the magic he brings to the season, however, I’ve never, EVER been a fan of the Easter Bunny. He’s creepy, slutty, and serves no purpose except to kill the magic of Christmas. At least that’s what he does in my house.

It’s insane how quickly the world can change. At first, I downplayed it all. I mean, we’ve had Zika, the swine flu, Ebola, and other scares that seemed so similar to this. I wasn’t concerned. But then, the panic from society and the government reactions started rolling in and shit got real. I see the seriousness now, and only because of how everyone else is dealing with this virus. Not because of how I see it.

Because, from my personal viewpoint (and we all have our own) I’m not worried. I refuse to let fear and uncertainty control me right now, because that’s when you go bat-shit. Fitting since this all likely originated from bats. Instead, I choose to see this all as a blessing and a gift – and here’s why.

I’m worrying about what life will look like a few short months from now when this baby is born. Looking around and analyzing everything I do on daily basis and seeing it through the lens of how it will feel when the baby comes. And I’m realizing that too many things in my house rely on me to stay alive. It’s overwhelming me right now.