It’s insane how quickly the world can change. At first, I downplayed it all. I mean, we’ve had Zika, the swine flu, Ebola, and other scares that seemed so similar to this. I wasn’t concerned. But then, the panic from society and the government reactions started rolling in and shit got real. I see the seriousness now, and only because of how everyone else is dealing with this virus. Not because of how I see it.

Because, from my personal viewpoint (and we all have our own) I’m not worried. I refuse to let fear and uncertainty control me right now, because that’s when you go bat-shit. Fitting since this all likely originated from bats. Instead, I choose to see this all as a blessing and a gift – and here’s why.

I’m worrying about what life will look like a few short months from now when this baby is born. Looking around and analyzing everything I do on daily basis and seeing it through the lens of how it will feel when the baby comes. And I’m realizing that too many things in my house rely on me to stay alive. It’s overwhelming me right now.

My family has a history of mental illness. I spent a good part of my life waiting to see if I would also be afflicted with something. Now that I have kids, I am still waiting. Waiting to see if I’ve passed that gene along to them.

I need to teach my kids about money. Not that a quarter equals 25 cents That’s covered in school. But they never learn money’s true value, it’s importance, how to earn it, save it, give it. Our school system fails them miserably in this regard. So most kids grow up learning all about isosceles triangles and chlorophyll, but not how to manage money.

Gianna’s 13th birthday is nearing. Along with the internal struggle of dealing with the fact that my baby will be a teenager in a couple weeks, I am also overloaded with the self-induced stress of putting together the epic creation known in our house as “The Birthday Book”.

The birthday books take me days to make. These 75+ page books document any notable milestone or event from the past year of their life. The first day of 3rd grade, Halloween costumes that costs $50 to wear once, art work I took pictures of so I could throw it away, soccer games, pet funerals, their undying love for sweets, new friends made, trips taken, funny shit they’ve said throughout the year. You get the point.

Since the holiday of love is near, I decided it’s a good time to share my love story. I see a lot of blogs that have a section dedicated to how they met, fell in love, and eventually got married to their significant other. All the romance and the joy. Well, my story has that. But it’s also real. It’s painful and confusing and 20 years in the making. Our love story made me cross lines I swore I’d never cross. But, by crossing those lines, I have the life I have today…and I wouldn’t change a thing. Even though my husband is a total dick most of the time.