If you read my post on Santa, you know I’m not a big fan of lying to my kids about fictitious creatures creeping into our house and leaving presents. I don’t like lying, period. I’ve dealt with Santa and actually somewhat enjoyed the magic he brings to the season, however, I’ve never, EVER been a fan of the Easter Bunny. He’s creepy, slutty, and serves no purpose.
Eggs, Sex, and Gender
The connection between a giant boy rabbit bringing eggs into my house and Jesus being resurrected from the dead just doesn’t compute. Eggs symbolize new life, so we have eggs at Easter. Jesus’ Resurrection = New Life. I get that.Â
But a bunny does not LAY EGGS. Where is he getting all these eggs? Why a friggin’ rabbit and not a chicken? Sure, chickens aren’t as cute but at least the connection is easier to make. My kids asked me when they were younger why the bunny brought eggs. Who TF knows, kids.
Some people say it’s because bunnies f*ck like bunnies so there’s a correlation with fertility/new life. I mean, that’s why Playboy has their Playboy Bunnies. Makes sense in that regard…but the connection is really pushing it for Easter. Plus, if so, then why is the Easter Bunny a boy? Shouldn’t it be a girl? Is he a slut bunny roaming around on Easter Eve, making all kinds of new baby bunnies as he delivers eggs? If the bunny is supposed to symbolize fertility, then logically it should be a girl.Â
Overall, can’t we just let Catholicism alone here, folks? Let Jesus have his day. I mean, the man went through a lot of shit to come back from the dead. Why do we have to bring in odd pagan connections of fertility and new life to help our kids celebrate a truly miraculous day?
Personally, I think the story of the crucifixion and resurrection is more magical and amazing than a creepy, slutty bunny bringing eggs he stole from chickens.
The Bunny Serves No Purpose But To Kill Santa
These fictional creatures are supposed to create joy and magic around the holidays – right? Santa is about the spirit of giving. Tell me though, what does this bunny do? What magic or lesson does the bunny bring? In my experience, the bunny is a magic killer. I would like to point out that the Easter Bunny has been the one to ruin Santa for both my kids. Both went about 10 years each 100% believing in Santa. Not truly questioning and happy to have the magic. However, it was this creepy bunny that fucked it all up.
(OK, I’m being unfair. It’s me that fucked it up really. Read below for more detail. But, if I didn’t have to create the lie of the bunny, they would have kept believing in Santa until way past the time it was acceptable.)
Easter Ruins Christmas Part 1: The Word Search Fiasco of 2017
About 3 years ago, when my oldest daughter Gianna was 10, I decided to try something different for our Easter Egg Hunt. Instead of stuffing their eggs with candy, I stuffed them with foam letters and money (loose change and a few dollar bills….we aren’t ballers, after all). These letters were supposed to be used to complete a word search they had in their baskets.Â
I thought that it would be fun to do. Plus, if you know me well, you know that I hate giving my kids sugar. I try to minimize the amount they consume or make them work for it. Holidays are extra hard to enforce these rules because sugar is literally a core component of every damn holiday. I do give them a lot of leeway during these times; however, I still try to find candy alternatives when I can.Â
Hence the foam letter word search.
Well, this word search ultimately caused Gianna to question whether I was the one to do “all of this.” She questioned me because the word search, in her eyes, was lame. And, apparently lame=Mom. At first, by “do all of these” she just meant the egg hunt/Easter. But, then after I admitted to it, her questioning spilled over to every single other mythical holiday figure. The word search foam letter egg hunt killed Santa.
OK, ok. In all fairness, if my crazy ass would have just put damn candy in the eggs, Gianna would have probably believed in Santa and everything else for forever. She was so committed and she cried when I told her the truth. Bless her sweet 10 year old heart. But, I still like to blame the Easter Bunny. If I didn’t have to pretend that thing was real, this wouldn’t have happened.
Easter Ruins Christmas Part 2: The Coupon Call Out of 2020
This time, the victim was my youngest daughter Scarlett, who is almost 9. I had been working on my computer earlier that day on Easter Egg coupons to fill their eggs with. That’s right, people. I refused to give up after the Word Search Fiasco of 2017. I knew there HAD to be a candy egg-filler alternative that my kids would love or at least tolerate.Â
Last Easter, I found some free coupons you could print and stuffed their eggs with them. They were a hit! OK, not a hit. But they didn’t cause tears and I like to think they enjoyed turning in their coupons and getting prizes throughout the year. They were decent coupons too – free hug, you pick a game to play, 1-on-1 time, ice cream, fill in the blanks…you get it.Â
Last year, I just found something off the internet the night before and printed them. This time, I had wanted to customize the coupons more, so I had spent a couple hours one morning making my own.
Later in the day, there I was in the kitchen. My computer was up on the counter because I was working for actual work and homeschooling my kids at the same time. Quarantine 2020, yay!Â
I went to find something on my task bar and, as I was searching, BAM! The coupons I had been working on earlier popped up on my screen for 2 seconds. Two fucking seconds.
Immediately behind me, Scarlett points her finger at me and screams with glee:Â
“YOU’RE THE EASTER BUNNY!!”
FML. I am a horrible liar, folks. Couple that with the amount of passion she threw at me with that statement….needless to say, I caved and admitted it all. Of course, that all snowballed down to cover Santa and the Tooth Fairy. Good thing was, she wasn’t pissed at me like I thought she would have been back when I wrote the Santa post. She was actually so damn proud of herself for figuring everything out. Like always, I had stressed myself out and worried for no reason.
But, this was another case where the lie of the creepy, pointless bunny ruined the better lie of Santa. Again, it was my insistence to not give my kids candy….I know. But, I’m blaming the slutty rabbit.
Do You Want to Ruin the Magic Too? (or, just avoid giving your kids candy)
If you are like me and want to fill your eggs this season with something other than candy, you can totally download the coupons I made this year. Dentist offices are closed right now. All that candy rots your teeth. No one should be getting cavities right now if they can avoid it. Save the teeth! Â
WARNING, these coupons may cause your wee babes to figure out that all the holiday magic is just lies. My track record speaks for itself. But, maybe you are looking to do that?! Maybe you are a little tired of keeping up the magic/lie? Maybe you think it’s time they grow up (and I would say if they have puberty hair that it’s time to cut the cord folks. You are doing them a social injustice by letting them still believe).
I think I can safely say that, in my case, the following applies: ruin the egg hunt and kids will finally ask that question you may have been waiting for
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“Are you the one to do all of this?”
But, at the very least, the coupons are another treat to give them that isn’t necessarily sugar. I personally see it as a win either way.
Happy Easter! Stay safe and sane my friends!
Well, now you have 2 of them to help you continue the Magic of Santa and the Creepy Easter Bunny lol!!!
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