It’s no secret that my toddler is not a good sleeper. I envy those people who have children that sleep 12 hours straight all the time and who take 2 hour naps. Well, I envy them but I’m also not willing to let her cry it out. I want it all without paying the price.

Anyways, we’ve struggled on the sleep train for years now. Recently, its been Evie’s go-to to wake up anywhere between 1130pm and 4am to call me into her bed with her. She does this by screeching my name from the doorway of her room since I have a gate there to keep her in. I go in and lay with her, waking up if I can between 430am-530am so I can come downstairs and work before she gets up for real. This doesn’t always work out because she has also been waking up and staying up at 530am.

Children are put here to test your ability to remain sane. I firmly believe this.

The other morning around 6am, I am sitting at my desk working when Vince comes in to find me. I’m alone, the light is dim, I have a half a cup of coffee in me already. No baby in sight. I am relaxed. He looks concerned.

A minute later, I hear a plunk sound…followed immediately by an “uh oh.” No. That’s not what I think it was. But turning around and noticing her empty hands and the stunned look on her face, I knew what happened.

I am selfish.
I am prideful.
I am a bad partner.

I realized these things the other day. Felt them in my core. Vince and I had a fight. A good one. Not a light-hearted one about light switches or being late. It was a real one. The fight erupted out of nowhere, like all married fights do when you repress annoyances and let the tension build.

I was attempting to lay Evie down to sleep the other night. I knew going into this, it would be hard. It was late and way past her bedtime. She stayed up because both Gianna and Scarlett had nighttime activities and Vince and I needed to be in two places at once. Evie, at that point, was running on fumes. But, when this child is on fumes, she doesn’t typically crash. She turns into a Gremlin, screaming and flinging her body around like she’s possessed, or a straight up boss with time sensitive demands that must be met exactly how she envisions them.

Tonight, it would be boss. Here’s how it played out.

The girls still had school, so we were on a typical schedule. I take Scar to her school with Evie in tow. Afterwards, me and the little shadow go through the bubbles (car wash). Felt I needed to after the weekend soccer tournament and the fact that Scarlett’s pant leg turned black when she brushed up against the door before getting in the car that morning. That was a 5-minute delay of wiping field dust off her khaki uniform pants. Thank God, no meltdown from Scar because of this. She adjusted quite well, which was a gift and a blessing. Thanks be to the Lord.

For some reason, on October 1st, I just didn’t feel like posting anything. Sure, there were funny moments in our lives from Oct 1-5 that I could have made memes out of, but I didn’t. There were sweet moments with my kids that warmed my heart that I could have captured, but I didn’t. There were struggles, frustrations, irritations that I could have released online, but I didn’t.

I just stayed silent.

It’s like I slept over a friends house too many days in a a row and needed the separation.

I spent too much time capturing moments and I think it drained me. I am an introvert so this makes sense. I enjoy social gatherings but afterwards I always feel a little bit drained. Like I gave a piece of me away by talking and even though I wasn’t talking to people on Facebook, I was having a conversation of sorts by posting.

And, it was too much.