I am selfish.
I am prideful.
I am a bad partner.

I realized these things the other day. Felt them in my core. Vince and I had a fight. A good one. Not a light-hearted one about light switches or being late. It was a real one. The fight erupted out of nowhere, like all married fights do when you repress annoyances and let the tension build.

I was attempting to lay Evie down to sleep the other night. I knew going into this, it would be hard. It was late and way past her bedtime. She stayed up because both Gianna and Scarlett had nighttime activities and Vince and I needed to be in two places at once. Evie, at that point, was running on fumes. But, when this child is on fumes, she doesn’t typically crash. She turns into a Gremlin, screaming and flinging her body around like she’s possessed, or a straight up boss with time sensitive demands that must be met exactly how she envisions them.

Tonight, it would be boss. Here’s how it played out.

The girls still had school, so we were on a typical schedule. I take Scar to her school with Evie in tow. Afterwards, me and the little shadow go through the bubbles (car wash). Felt I needed to after the weekend soccer tournament and the fact that Scarlett’s pant leg turned black when she brushed up against the door before getting in the car that morning. That was a 5-minute delay of wiping field dust off her khaki uniform pants. Thank God, no meltdown from Scar because of this. She adjusted quite well, which was a gift and a blessing. Thanks be to the Lord.

For some reason, on October 1st, I just didn’t feel like posting anything. Sure, there were funny moments in our lives from Oct 1-5 that I could have made memes out of, but I didn’t. There were sweet moments with my kids that warmed my heart that I could have captured, but I didn’t. There were struggles, frustrations, irritations that I could have released online, but I didn’t.

I just stayed silent.

It’s like I slept over a friends house too many days in a a row and needed the separation.

I spent too much time capturing moments and I think it drained me. I am an introvert so this makes sense. I enjoy social gatherings but afterwards I always feel a little bit drained. Like I gave a piece of me away by talking and even though I wasn’t talking to people on Facebook, I was having a conversation of sorts by posting.

And, it was too much.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the fact that I never really went to therapy and in some ways, I probably should. But that also takes time…

I’m likely avoiding therapy because I’m so used to taking care of myself in all areas of my life. I really don’t like to let other people help me. I think it’s because, as a child, I always had to take care of myself. Others would try help here and there, but if you think about it, you are the only person that can ever make you okay. I internalized this lesson very early in my life. I am the only person I can control so I am going to control the shit out of myself and not let anyone else help. That has been the way of my life for years.

This picture I posted is the issue with social media. Not because sleeping babies might cause you to have baby fever and want to pop out 15 kids. No, it’s because this picture was the highlight reel of my night, not the real reel. That moment and the text I included was the high moment of a night that had lower points. Points of frustration, irritation, and silently whispered curse words. But you didn’t see that here. You just saw the highlight.