I talk about positivity and how I am focused on living my life with that type of mindset. However, I am human. I am a pregnant human with hormones and indigestion. I have 2 strong willed daughters who are adjusting to this new normal. I’m married to a man who gets joy out of being a complete dick sometimes.
So, while I constantly try to live with a positive mindset, I definitely have my moments of sheer exhaustion and “woe is me” pity parties.
I get sad. I get annoyed and depressed. I am human.
Lately, because of everything going on in the world and at home, it’s been extra hard to stay positive. When I look back on the past few weeks, my life seriously sounds like a really bad and weepy country song called Thirteen Shitty Things. I can’t think of a tune to this but here they are in no particular order:
Thirteen Shitty Things
- Kids are crying at least once every day.
- I’m crying about 3x week.
- I’m being sued because my 11-year-old dog scratched a woman’s leg.
- We had to cancel an epic road trip out West because of this virus.
- I’ve had 2 flat tires in the past 3 weeks.
- Vince hit my van with his jeep.
- Failed my 1 hour glucose screening but I barely eat carbs or sugar.
- Lost about $30K in my retirement fund.
- Took me a month to finally find toilet paper at the store.
- My salary is taking a hit.
- Finally found eggs at the store and 1/3 of the carton was broke.
- Homeschool. Nuff said.
- I can’t sleep because I’m 32 weeks pregnant, my mind won’t stop, and my belly’s in the damn way
Wah wah, right? Poor me, let’s have a pity party. I need to get over myself…and I will. I know there are people out there in worse situations. But sometimes your life just seems to blow, and you need to roll around in that suckiness for a bit until you are ready to pull yourself out of it.
There’s a ton of good in my life right now. I have so many things to be grateful for. However, there was a moment recently where the #13 things I listed above just weighed down on me, and I was rolling around in a glorified shitty pity party. What brought me to the edge was my second child, Scarlett.
I love this child to the depths of my core. She is amazing, loving, smart, funny….truly a gift and I wouldn’t want a life that doesn’t have her in it. HOWEVER, she has the power to wear me down. She is so strong-willed, so emotional, so challenging sometimes that I get to the edge and need to reel myself back. I have to thank quarantine/homeschool for this mini-mental breakdown I had. Quarantine school for a full-time working parent blows chunks of vomit.
Positivity Krissy will tell you there’s good in everything, including quarantine school. However, Breakdown Krissy is telling you it fucking sucks. I about lose my mind every week, trying to teach Scarlett about bar graphs and polygons. And she breaks down almost every day as well.
The 13 things above, coupled with my hormones and my dear sweet Scarlett, led to a mini-meltdown in my head. So much so that I felt compelled to write a fucking poem. I don’t write poems. It’s not really my thing. However, my emotions were so heavy on my heart and brain that I just needed to get them out.
For some reason, a poem seemed fitting.
The poem talks about my challenge with Scarlett and how she, along with my own self-doubt and internal issues, causes little breakdowns in my head sometimes. She’s a lot like me and I think that’s a big part of the challenge. We butt heads and I need time to literally get over myself because I know what she needs to feel better because I often times need the same thing.
Or there are so many other things weighing down on me that I just wish she could pull herself through her own mess instead of needing me so I could wallow in my own sadness for a bit.
This girl is going to rule the world someday, seriously. I just need to survive raising her first.
If you also have a second child, you might relate to this. I have heard that #2 is often a challenge. Sweet and sour. Big heart, strong willed, etc. Positivity Krissy is going to tell you that you are only given what you can handle.
I can handle Scarlett. I can love her with all my heart. That comes easily. She is wonderful, truly. But I’m allowed to feel challenged by her and I can be a great mom and still feel the way I feel about her sometimes. The same goes for any parent, I think. There’s nothing wrong with losing your shit, as long as you go back and collect it later. Which I always do…because I hate clutter :).
Mom of a Strong Willed Second Child
Sometimes I want to give up, run away and hide.
Sometimes I stand in the shower, tears waiting to fall
But they wait trapped in my eyes.
Sometimes you push me to my breaking point,
I stand there on the edge, waiting to fall.
I snap, pray for patience, and breathe.
Feeling like a failure, feeling small.
My insides turn empty of anger.
And I look at you with new eyes.
I see your tears but can’t soothe,
Because I, too, am hurting inside.
I know what to do to make this better,
My own stubbornness refuses to let me bend.
You need fixed and strengthened,
Sometimes I’m too tired to mend.
There’s too much weighing on me.
Too much pressure, to dos, and needs.
I can’t hold everything up every day,
When you’re at my feet, bringing me to my knees.
You hurt me with your words,
Mostly because I’ve said the same things to myself.
“I’m not good enough,”
“I don’t try enough,”
“I don’t do enough.”
You might need more than what I have to give.
Sometimes I think of how YOU could be better.
How you are flawed and need to be fixed.
Then, I see ME in you and remember
How I felt when I was dismissed.
The frustration, feelings of loneliness and self-hatred
When I did something stupid or wrong.
The emotions, the anger, the sadness,
That stayed inside me way too long.
Sometimes we keep things inside,
Things that need to be let go.
Sometimes life just tests us.
It pushes us to bend or break, just so.
Sometimes you test and push,
And I bend or almost break.
But broken things can be fixed and mended,
If you don’t give up and go away.
Broken things like us can shine,
If we choose to fall forward each day.
Sometimes we need a challenge,
Someone or something to make us strong.
And I’m grateful in my heart and mind each day,
That God gave me you.
We’re both where we belong.
I’m so sorry this all happened to you guys,, ehhhhhhh that woman, seriously!!!! I guess it doesn’t surprise me since we already talked about the way some people are. You’re doing a great job, just breathe and keep doing what you’re doing, but remember to take care of you too, I Love You Krissy!!!!!❤
Someone is seriously trying to sue you cause your dog scratched them??! People are insane… ? You got this lady! I am sure you are doing great & just being hard on yourself. Take care!! ❤️
Krissy if Scarlett needs help in math my sister can help from a Zoom call. She’s been teaching in Lee County for over 10 years and is a lead in the math curriculum, just message me!
Keep your head up, it’ll get better. It’s a stressful time and people are crazy! ?
[…] 1) I’m a dork and the fact that I can say I took a class at Yale makes me feel good inside and, 2) with everything going on, I thought it would be good to have something to pull my focus back on remaining positive. (see my prior post about me losing my shit). […]