I was standing in line the other day, waiting to go inside to watch Scarlett’s cheer showcase. We were outside and I had just eaten dinner about 30 minutes prior. Standing there, in the crowd, I realized … I had to fart.
So I did. Since having 3 kids, I’ve been pretty lax with my bodily functions. At this point in my life, what wants to come out, comes out. However, I didn’t expect it to be noticeable. Gauging the pressure in my…er, rear, I thought it would be relatively quiet and easy to cover the noise given the crowd.
Wrong. It made a sound. Not a loud, ripping sound or anything like that. But a sound nonetheless. Did anyone hear? I casually glanced back like the chicken in the picture above, and from my peripheral vision, I think I caught the people behind me staring.
Good lord. I immediately got embarrassed and quickly turned around. I mean, they aren’t going to say anything to me….but clearly it was me because I was the moron that turned around. I should have played it cool and kept my eyes forward. For all they knew, it could have been the baby….or Vince.
I’ve been thinking about this fart for days. Why? Because I overanalyze everything, even farts.
What is bothering me is the fact that I got embarrassed AT ALL. Why are we embarrassed by farting? Everyone does it. EVERYONE! It’s like breathing air…well I guess it’s more like exhaling air, but you get the point.
Why are we embarrassed by something we all do? It makes no sense. When did someone in history decide that farting was taboo?
This curiosity led me to Google, of course. I stumbled upon this thread on reddit. Truly hilarious. Some people have really researched this topic of farts and their evolution in history. Makes me both sad and proud of our human race.
I didn’t really get my answer though. I’ve found out that farts have been written about for ages and that the world’s first recorded joke was about farts. I learned that Eskimo’s proudly let ‘er rip in their igloos to keep warm. I’ve learned a lot of things about farts….but still nothing that tells me why we decided it was something to be embarrassed about.
I will caveat this with the fact that not every human is embarrassed to fart. Take Vince for example. He proudly farts. He crop-dusts aisles in the grocery store. He farts in the car and locks all the windows so we can’t escape. He farts in his hand and hurriedly tries to shove it in your face, so you smell it immediately. He has farted multiple times during family photos so our reactions are captured forever (see below). However, because he never holds the farts in, the number of times he’s shit his pants is truly epic for a man under 40. Gianna even bought him an emergency pair of underwear last Christmas as a joke…but also as a hint.
My girls would be mortified to know I am writing about this topic. Even though they find farts hilarious…they don’t go around dropping bombs without fear of public ridicule.
Girls, I have to assume you are reading this when you are older. I’m sorry I wrote about farts. I don’t want to embarrass you. However, I made a promise when I started writing this blog that I would share the good, the bad, and…..the stinky. Because that’s life. Because we’re human.
You have to root yourself in the knowledge that every single human is not what you see on Instagram, Facebook, or TikTok. Everyone does these “gross” things like farting. So why should you be embarrassed? Own it. Don’t hold it in, because apparently if you do, you can fart out your mouth and even I think that’s nasty.
However, I don’t want you to be obscene and fart during a moment of silence or when people are eating. Have some etiquette.
But I also don’t want you to be afraid to fart. Because we all do.