A lot of parents give you a rosy view on what raising children is really like. How much they absolutely love their kids and how perfect they are. How their kids are the best and never ever drive them crazy or act out of line. I call bullshit on all of this. No effin way.
People don’t usually give you an honest look at some of literal and figurative shit you have to deal with. Parents don’t warn other parents. Most make their lives look like it’s all smiles on social media.
I’m not that type of person. Granted, my kids don’t really suck. I love them and they are the best things in my life. But, they’ve given me a serious head of gray hair and test my sanity daily. There have been many moments in my life when I wish someone would have warned me about some of the asinine stuff I’ve had to deal with.
And so, I give you the 4 things I personally wasn’t prepared to deal with as a parent. Believe me, there’s wayyyyyyy more than just 4. But I’m not writing a novel….not yet.
1 – The Amount of Verbal and Physical Harassment
There are the standard verbal attacks like “you’re the worst mom ever,” or “I wish I had a new mom,” or “this is my life, stop telling me what to do.” We all deal with that at some point. You just got to know that you are awesome and not let their words eat away at your confidence.
No, I’m talking about the more personal verbal abuse that starts when they are older. After years of them observing you like a zoo animal and knowing what buttons to push. For example, recently me and my oldest daughter, Gianna, sat out in the garage for a solid hour as she had a bitch-fest about my husband, Vince. He pissed her off and she was really angry with him. These two are very similar so this actually happens A LOT.
Gianna has Vince’s ability to blow a fuse and spew out all kinds of hurtful words that she doesn’t really mean. In the moment, her anger has no filter and hatred just explodes out of her mouth. It’s not a good character trait.
I hope she learns to think more before she speaks.
She was really tearing him a new asshole. I began to feel bad. Because some of the things she said I have thought the same thing myself at one point or another. How do I defend him? I couldn’t.
So, I tried to deflect.
I said to Gianna, “you are saying all these things about Daddy that he does that makes you upset. What about me? Am I doing anything that annoys or upsets you?”
I was hoping maybe there was something as a parent I could improve upon. Some constructive criticism in an area that I could do better in. Maybe showing her more love or giving her more independence?
Gianna thinks for a moment….”Yeah, when we are in public and you talk to random people. You get all loud. And when you laugh, your laugh annoys me.”
Whhhhaaaaaaatttttttt a dick.
What do I do with that? I mean, it’s nowhere near the level of crap she was saying about Vince. But what the hell? She knows I hate small talk and interactions with people. I’m more of an introvert so I already go into social situations with a small level of anxiety. I’m working on getting better but it’s taking time.
Gianna knows this. We make jokes all the time about how I have no friends and suck with people. In this moment, she hit me in a weak spot and I think she did it on purpose. Kids are assholes.
Now, when I speak to people, I am even more aware of my awkwardness. I don’t know how to laugh and I am paranoid about my speaking volume. Thanks a lot, dick.
Then, there is the physical harassment.
Of course, there’s the constant lack of personal space. I’ve seen articles about not being able to take a crap or a shower without an audience from your children. Yeah, true. That happens a lot. Sometimes I wonder why this house has doors.
But what about when they motorboat you in the shower? Seriously. And then you have to explain to them what motorboating is and why it’s not really appropriate to do it to your mother all while you stand in the shower feeling 100% awkward.
Or when they sing Jingle Bells as they slap your boobs to the tune? How do you deal with that?
I laughed for the first few times because physical humor is funny. And then, I felt somewhat violated. Get off me. My boobs are not bongos.
So be prepared. You thought the boob torture was over once you stopped nursing and your chest stopped being a source of food. But in my experience, it just gets worse and way more awkward.
2 – The Constant Need for the Sniff Test
You’ve seen those moments where parents have to sniff the back of a baby’s diaper to check if they’ve crapped. That’s normal. That’s expected. But, be prepared, the need for a sniff test doesn’t die once the diapers go away.
Things I’ve Had to Sniff Test:
1. Brown smears on my bathroom wall to see if it was #2 or Nutella. I walked into my downstairs bathroom years ago and brown smears were literally everywhere. It honestly looked like my youngest daughter, Scarlett, took her crap and finger painted the walls with it.
Like a feces Jackson Pollock all over the bathroom.
2. Scarlett’s hands to confirm that she’s actually washed them after using the bathroom. She’s tried spraying her hands with Poo-Pourri to trick me into thinking she washed her hands. I appreciate the ingenuity, but really? The effort it took her to think of that and to spray her hands….should could have just washed them.
3. Scarlett’s mouth to make sure she’s brushed her teeth. I buy her kid’s toothpaste that smells like candy. She has an electric toothbrush with bluetooth that connects to an app on her tablet that makes brushing a game. Yet, YET…she has still gone an entire day without brushing her teeth.
How can you go an entire day without realizing you didn’t brush your teeth? My mouth smells like a garbage truck when I wake up in the morning. There’s no way I could forget.
3 – You are on Constant Suicide Watch
I need to caveat this one with the fact that the girl’s pediatrician told me this verbatim in the hospital right after Scarlett was born. He knew this wasn’t my first rodeo, but I think he just wanted to give me some words of wisdom. And they’ve stuck with me for years because they couldn’t be more true.
“Kids are just little suicide machines. They will find ways to kill themselves. Your main job as a parent is to keep them alive.”
Talk about giving someone anxiety after they just shot a baby out. But these words are true. I mean, they tell you to childproof your home and hide all the cleaning supplies and what not. But the message isn’t delivered as clearly as it needs to be.
Kids are basically little kamikazes from the day they are born. Exploring the world and not realizing all the dangers. There are so many things that can kill them. It’s almost debilitating to think about.
It’s literally our job to keep them from killing themselves.
And shit biscuit if this isn’t true about Scarlett. Choking on toys, jumping in a pool without supervision, falling out of her crib, eating my birth control pills, doing a somersault down a waterless waterslide, running into a wall, stacking two stools on top of each other to stand and look out a peephole. My sweet, crazy Scarlett has seemingly tried over and over again to die. But, so far, I’m winning! She’s stayed alive for over 3,000 days! I’m rocking this job as a mom.
I think we should just celebrate every day that we keep our kids alive and not worry about how much technology they use or how they never eat anything green. The fact that they didn’t manage to die this day means we are doing our jobs as parents….according to my doctor.
4 – They will Grow Taller than Me
I guess I should have realized this and prepared myself. I am not a tall person and the chances of both my girls outpacing me in height should have been obvious. Gianna is now eye-level with me. It’s almost at the point where I can rest my head comfortably on HER shoulder. And, this makes a little part of me really, really sad.
I mean, I am 100% enjoying watching what a beautiful young woman she is becoming, both inside and out. It’s really bittersweet to watch your baby grow up. How do I comfort, cuddle, and protect her? How do I embrace her or Scarlett and make them feel safe when they are bigger than me?
Scarlett’s shoes hurt her feet the other day when we were walking back from the beach. I picked her up to carry her so she didn’t have to walk barefoot on the parking lot. Her legs were dangling and hitting down past my knees.
I can’t carry my baby much longer.
I just wasn’t ready for this. This stage in life where before I was looking down, but soon I’ll be looking up. When I can’t carry them because they are too big or because they should be facing this world on their own.
It’s something I wasn’t prepared for when I held those little nuggets to my chest and their heads could fit in my hands. I didn’t think ahead to the time when they wouldn’t fit in my embrace that way any longer.
It Doesn’t Really Help
The ironic part of this post is that there is no advice, book, or person that can really prepare you to be a parent and equip you with everything you need to tackle all the craziness that comes with it. As a parent, you are Hansel and Gretel without any crumbs and no real path. You need to find your way through the forest using your inner sense of direction only, and hope you end up in a good place at the end.
I guess you’re right Krissy, it’s kind of like hands on experience. You yourself only knows if your doing your best and trust me some days we’re better than we can be than other days but that’s ok!!! Don’t worry about anyone else and what they’re thinking. We all know that it’s not always picture perfect and if you realize that then you’re good!!! Keep up your good work, you’re doing great!!!!!❤
Awe this one made me tear up an laugh they are growing up so fast!! I’ll never forget just hanging with Gianna having our sleepovers hell she prob will never want to stay at Aunt Mimi house! I hope I’m wrong! Then scar when she picked at my nose ring lol I love these two an great reading krissy!! Love you just think you will be holding one more nugget ❤️❤️
Everything is true! I remember when my first child became taller than me it made me proud and sad all in the same breath. It was like man your not my baby anymore you’re a grown man and now he’s literally a grown man but he and his sister will always be my babies. Just in a different way. Also the personal space thing never changes as they get older they still bother you. Lol but I kinda like it sometimes. Oh your Dr was very smart because that should be the warning cause the crap they do makes you… Read more »
[…] written before about how crazy my youngest daughter, Scarlett, was/is and how she was basically a suicide machine as a younger child. She’s grown out of that for the most part so the daily task of fending off death is pretty […]