You know those moments in your life, when you’re not sure if you are excited or sad? Like when you can’t wait for your wedding, but mid-way through the ceremony, you realize you’ve been waiting a long time for this day, and it’s almost over? And, you get a little sad even though you are in the middle of something really happy?
That’s kind of what I felt like this week when Gianna finally got her period.
Ok, ok. I know that’s fucking weird. But hear me out. Like I’ve said before, I can’t wait for her to grow up so I can see what kind of wonderful woman she becomes and so I can claim her as my best friend. But, all of that growing up is bittersweet because, with all the welcoming of adulthood, comes the goodbyes of being a child.
I was on the phone, talking to a friend about the menstrual cup of all things, and Gianna walks into my office with an odd look on her face. She grabs a piece of paper as I continue to talk on the phone and writes this message down:
Immediately, my mind goes off the tracks and I rush to get off the phone. “Really? Are you sure?” I asked. She confirms that Wilma is in fact here….even if it’s a light, social visit.
Who the fuck is Wilma, right?
Wilma goes by many names but most of you know her as Flo. AKA the monthly visitor. AKA the crimson tide if you are a fan of the movie Clueless. And if you aren’t, shame on you. Clueless defined a generation, made Jeep Wranglers cool, and taught me important life lessons like virgins who can’t drive are scum. Maybe that’s why I finally agreed to do it with Vince back in the day. At least then I was just a bad driver.
Yes, Gianna named her period Wilma, and here’s why. About a year ago, Vince introduced me to Brett Kreischer. This is the real-life guy that the movie Van Wilder was based off of. Anyways, he’s hysterical. He did a bit a while ago about throwing his daughter a period party to celebrate her coming in to womanhood. She named her period Jason (because she got it on Friday the 13th and all the blood puns were too hard to pass up). We didn’t have period parties when I was growing up. You get to name something? I’m in. I LOVE TO NAME THINGS! One of the main reasons I want to have another kid is because I have really good names in my pocket.
Anyways, when I heard the skit, I was in love with the idea. It was disgusting, inappropriate, and hysterical. Which are three words I’d like to think explain me. Gianna, however, was not down for the menstrual celebration. She did, however, agree to at least name her period. Because she recognizes the power of naming – it’s awesome. And, also for practical reasons, it makes it a lot easier to talk about in public. For example, she could yell out in the store, “Mom, I think Wilma is here. We need to leave” and no one would know what the hell she was talking about except me. Well, and you. Because you are reading this.
And this week, when Wilma made her appearance, I was so excited. I immediately tried to convince her again to have a party. She’s was in no way agreeing to me sending out invitations or buying a cake with a tampon on it. These are things people do. I’m serious. Google “period party ideas” and you will have your mind-blown. Scarlett was equally insistent that Gianna have a party of some sort. Only because she knows that special celebrations are exempt from my “push ups for sugar” rule and she wanted cake and root beer without having to do 50 push ups first. She even went as far as to suffocate Gianna with a blanket in order to get her to say yes.
Eventually, Gianna conceded to the temptations of sugar and agreed to a birthday cake for Wilma and a party of just us 4. As much as she was embarrassed by this rite of passage, it’s nothing that a little ice cream and soda can’t fix. And I was so excited for her. Excited that she is starting this chapter in her life and excited that I get to be a part of this experience. I can’t remember when I got my period…ye with no name. Or how I learned to use tampons and what not. The past couple days have been an interesting exploration into body parts and lady products. I’ve watched videos of people on YouTube inserting tampons into Care Bears to help Gianna get the hang of it. Seriously, fucking Care Bears. They cut a hole in Sunshine where the sun doesn’t shine.
But, it’s a part of becoming a woman, and our bodies are fucking machines. Seriously we are awesome. And, getting your Wilma or Jason is no where near the best part of being a woman. You know what is the best part? Not having a penis. Hands down.
Wilma – love it! ? Welcome to womanhood, G! ?
Even though I knew this would soon be in the near future, it’s still sooooooo hard to believe. Gianna, where did this time go, I’m glad you felt comfortable sharing and talking with me about welcoming Wilma. I Love You Too The Moon and Back Always!!!!♡
I loved this and thought it was brilliant! But I made a mistake by talking to my kids about it….. I shared this with the girls and after they were finished holding me down like I was a toddler at a vaccination appointment and tickling me until i was whaling around, crying, laughing, and promised not to have a period party in our home between breaths, they asked me to please send their sympathy to G. So please let her know that Isabella and Lizzy feel bad for her embarrassment and hope she got to eat as much of that… Read more »