Our boy Vince is like a bomb. While he has improved GREATLY over the decades or so that I have been with him, he’s still a work in progress. The man internalizes a lot of crap and then explodes out of nowhere over things he would normally just laugh over…all depending on his mood and stresses of the day.
It’s fun AND traumatizing all at the same time!
I like to think that his internal imbalance and explosions are giving our kids just enough emotional damage in their younger years to build a solid personality growing up. You know, you need to have hurdles and challenges during your formative years or else you’ll grow up to be a wet noodle adult unable to deal with abrasive people or problems.
Vince gives them light emotional damage, so they build resiliency. It’s his ongoing gift to his daughters because he loves them.
I am joking of course…. ok, mostly joking.
Do As I Say, Not As I Do
Anyways, the other night Vince made dinner. It was fajitas, but judging by the looks of the kitchen when he was done, you would have thought it was a 3-course gourmet meal. Shit was everywhere. The man caught himself on FIRE for heaven’s sake. No joke. Big hole in the back of his sweatshirt. Dude didn’t care though. He’s actually wearing the shirt again today, unwashed with the burnt hole emblazoned on the back because #nopride.
We’re all sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner together as a fam. Talking about our days and what not. Scarlett‘s eyes must have scanned over the disheveled kitchen and of course the child felt compelled to bring out her inner dickhead.
Through the chaotic dinner noise that is the norm in our household, Scarlett said, “Dad, I thought you said when you cook you should clean as you go?”
Ohhhh shit. She just did that.
Yes, he has said that to his children. He has told them on more than one occasion that when you cook you should clean up as you go so that you aren’t left with a huge mess when you’re done.
Like, what he just did.
Child called him out on being a hypocrite. Ahhhhhh……tick tick goes the man bomb.
The Family Dinner Standoff
Me and Gianna lock eyes from across the table and brace for impact.
I look at Scar and she side-eyes me. I couldn’t tell if I saw fear in her eyes or sheer glee at the anticipation of how her comment would trigger her dad.
There was still silence on his end. Tick…
She nervously giggled, “This could go either way.” Meaning he would either laugh or lose his ever-loving shit.
Having been loud just moments before, the table was now silent.
I realized after a few seconds of this abnormal quiet that Vince wasn’t sitting there in private reflection, trying to formulate his response to his dickhole daughter. HA! Silly me. No, the man just didn’t hear her comment. That’s what happens after years of using power tools without ear protection and blaring bass in your car when you’re 19 like you’re auditioning to be a drug dealer.
To Poke or Not to Poke the Bear
Me, Gianna, and Scarlett all sat for that moment and let the decision hang in the air. Do we do it? Do we poke the bear and repeat Scarlett’s comment? Or do we act like mature women and let the comment pass by, unheard, so as to avoid the anticipated blow out from the only penis at the table?
Nah, let’s light that fuse! After all, what is family if they don’t try to trigger you into emotional outbursts while eating Mexican food?!
This is married life at its finest, folks.
First, to diffuse the dickishness of Scarlett’s comment, I laughed and said, “Oh Scar, you’re such an ass.” You know. To let him know ahead of time that something of that nature was coming.
And then I repeated what she said.
All eyes were on Vince like the dinner show that he was.
The Verdict
Immediately, he laughed – having been called out on the fact that he doesn’t follow his own advice. Holy shit, we got a level-headed response tonight, folks! Scarlett was right. It could have gone either way given his mood. We all relaxed and laughed along with him, and I mentally jotted down that I wanted to share this here. For posterity to prove to the girls’ AI therapists someday that their dad did cause trauma, but just the right amount.
Tick tick, folks.
P.S. Ok, I poke fun at him, but he is truly an amazing dad and man. I just get to air out his flaws because I have this blog. He could tell you all kinds of crazy shit about me. I am a wacko in my own right. But luckily enough for me, the man can barely piece together a sentence and he is like an 80-year-old man with technology. No offense to the seniors out there, but you know what I mean.