One of my main jobs every day is keeping things alive, aka being a mother. I’ve written before about how crazy my youngest daughter, Scarlett, is and how she was basically a suicide machine as a younger child. She’s grown out of that for the most part so the daily task of fending off death is pretty minimal.
Now, my job as Scarlett and Gianna‘s mom, aside from loving all their levels of crazy, is ensuring that their daily basic needs are met and raising them to be decent human beings. And, with baby girl #3 growing strong in my belly, my daily job also includes making sure she is OK via me. Taking my vitamins, not eating listeria-prone food items, sleeping on my left side, hydrating, etc. Soon, when she pops out, I’ll be a milk machine and my life will be consumed with her sleep and feeding schedules. I know what that’s like.
It’s hard being a nursing mom. It’s DOUBLY hard being a nursing mom with another child who has a schedule you need to continue with. You can’t stay home any time the baby is fussy or needs to feed/sleep. The other kid has a life that has to continue even though you have a teeny newborn to take care of.
I remember feeding Scarlett EVERYWHERE back in day when I had to take my oldest daughter, Gianna, to her gymnastics practices, dance classes, or whatever else a busy almost 5 year old does. I covered up of course, but I always felt super uncomfortable. I had to do it though. Kudos to the women that are cool with letting it all hang out. It’s not my nature.
And now, with TWO kids and TWO schedules to keep up with, I am getting a slight bit of anxiety at the thought of adjusting to all of this with a baby. It’s going to happen, and we will be fine, I know. It’s just the buildup and the waiting of what’s to come that is stressing me out a bit. I overthink too much…always have.
Since I am worrying about what life will look like a few short months from now when this baby is born, I am also looking around and analyzing everything else I do on daily basis and seeing it through the lens of how it will feel when the baby comes.
Must. Keep. Things. Alive.
I am realizing that too many things in my house rely on me to stay alive…and it’s overwhelming me right now. My kids, yes. I’ve already stated that. But other things…..
- Outside plants that need watered if it doesn’t rain
- Inside plants that are scattered inconveniently throughout the house
- Guinea pigs that Scarlett and Gianna are supposed to take care of but I end up doing most of the stuff because I am a controlling beast
- And, of course, our dog Coco
All these things could die without my attention, and in my preggo-induced-hormonal-world right now, it is really fucking stressing me out.
How can I remember to water plants when I am essentially a human cow once the baby is born? Who will make sure the guinea pigs get their daily dose of vitamin C while I’m changing the 15th diaper of the day? Why am I such a control freak that can’t just ask for damn help and stop trying to do this all on my own?
Ughhhhhh, because that’s who I am.
I always have been a “I’m going to do it all person and not ask for help”. I do everything….not because I am a martyr and not because I don’t think my husband, Vince, or the girls aren’t capable. I know they are. I need to figure out why….why I am this way. Why can’t I delegate?
Since this blog is like my journal sometimes, I am going to figure this out here. Writing helps me flesh out what the hell is going on in my messed-up mind so I can finally deal with it.
OK, blog. Why can’t I let others help me? Why do I put so much on myself?
Well, Krissy, you don't sit and do nothing, that's one thing.
Reason #1- I Like to Do Shit, Not Sit
I rarely do nothing during the day. My days are filled with to-do’s. I like that, though. I like being productive and seeing things get done. I don’t want to sit down and do nothing. It feels wasteful. So, I do things myself instead of asking for others to help since they don’t seem to mind sitting.
The girls come home from school and their go-to action is to drop their book bags down, grab 14 snacks, and binge watch TV shows or Tik Tok videos until I remind them they have homework or activities to go to. They would blissfully sit for hours and do jack shit if I let them.
Sometimes…sometimes I just get tired of asking and reminding them to do what they are supposed to. I get tired of telling people to be functioning, productive humans. Why do people need reminded of that? How can you just sit around and be fine knowing there’s 100 things that you could be doing, yet this video of people doing hand movements dancing to some Renegade song is how you choose to spend your time? (That’s a Tik Tok reference for those of you without older kids. And so my kids don’t call me Boomer, I know the dance is called Renegade and it’s to a song called Lottery. So there.
I would rather almost do all of it myself than continuously nag someone else to do it. The act of speaking can be more draining to me than constantly doing everything. So, that’s one reason.
I don’t like to sit and do nothing and other people in my life do like to sit and do nothing.
Is there a fix for this? I don’t know.
Reason #2- Maybe I Secretly Like Being Needed?
I’ll admit it. I do like the fact that I am the one my kids go to for everything. Sure, it’s fucking annoying that they will walk right past my husband to ask me for help, even when it’s clear I’m busy and he’s not. But deep down I like that I am their #1. It makes me feel needed and maybe that’s a product of my childhood. The need to feel wanted and needed? Since I felt so unwanted then? So unwanted and too much to handle that my own parents signed away their rights to me when I was 8? Maybe. I’m getting emotional writing that, so I think it’s a good rationalization for my behavior now.
So reason #2 I do everything is most likely because I have a deep-seeded desire to feel needed so I try to prove I can do everything without help so that my family can’t function without me. Ugh, that’s fucked up.
I Have to Change
What I do know is that I have to adjust something. I have to unleash some control because I can’t do it all once the baby comes. I’m one woman and I am pretty proud of all I accomplish in one day…but I can’t possibly do it all and honestly, I am getting to the point that I don’t WANT to do it all. I can ask for help and still be needed. I can release control of some things.
So, I decided the other night that one thing I am going to let go of is the constant worry of keeping things alive – specifically, plants and pets. I am going to worry about the humans…and for now everyone else in my house can worry about the other things that require food, water, etc. The stress of worrying about things dying on my watch is pushing too hard on my head right now.
So, in typical me fashion, I organized the responsibilities and assigned them out on the girls’ reward chart to ensure they remember each day to check on the things that require attention to live. I am going to monitor them and make sure things get done now while I still care. But I know in the summer, the needs of a newborn will be more important than plant watering schedules or daily hay replenishment for guinea pigs.
I’m done with worrying about keeping other things alive. There are other living beings in my house that can do that for me. And, in turn, I will make sure they stay alive.
It’s the Circle of Life in the Curtin family, starting now.
You absolutely need to delegate those chores around to everyone, they all need to pitch in. The longer you keep doing things yourself, the harder it’ll be to get them to help. There’s also nothing wrong with sitting and relaxing, reading or just relaxing and having time to yourself. You definitely need to do this for yourself, a little each day. Hell, at this point in my life, I love some relax time lol!!! Anyway Krissy, I think I’ve told you this before, stop picking up after everyone. Maybe tell them the chores have to be done each day before… Read more »
Turn to the kids, I’m sure they won’t fail you, lol. Love your stories
I have faith the kids will be just fine, lol. Love these blogs