When I found out I was pregnant again for the third time, I really thought the blob growing in my belly was a boy. I thought it was a boy during the weeks leading up to our big gender reveal. I didn’t think it was a boy because I felt any different than I did with my girls. No morning sickness, no weird symptoms that would have led me to believe it was a boy. I just thought it was. If you read my posts on spirituality and my dreams, you know I am a firm believer in that idea that your thoughts become things. You can attract whatever you want through the power of positive thought. Well…
Envisioning a boy
There’s a picture of a little blonde haired boy on my vision board by my desk. I saw him in a magazine and felt like it was time to try again, and time to get some testosterone in this family. I cut him out and pasted him next to my dream pool, all wooden hangars for my closet, and a nice laundry room. This solid, tanned, little surfer boy became a dream. I’ll admit, I felt somewhat creepy cutting this pic out and staring at it daily because this child is really someone else’s boy. Definitely had some Hand that Rocks the Cradle vibes.
After learning I was pregnant, I would look at that picture and think “yes, this is coming. This is our boy.”
He was in my dreams
The stalker photo on my vision board isn’t all. Years ago, I dreamed of a son. He had the same white blonde hair as my husband did as a boy. Towheads they are called. The boy in my dreams was older than the little surfer boy, maybe 7 or 8. He was standing next to me as we made something with our hands. I can’t recall what we were making now. But we were singing Holy Water by Big and Rich together. He had the sweetest voice and I looked down at him and smiled as we harmonized together. That’s where the dream stopped.
That dream hurts my heart now.
I saw his chubby legs running and getting dirty. I saw him mimicking his dad and always making me laugh even when I’m hard core mad at him. I heard him call me Momma. I saw his smile. I dreamed of his nursery. I agonized over his name.
Gender revealed disappointment
When my girls opened the results and pulled out the pink onesie with “Little Sister” written on it, I can’t describe in a word how I felt. I wasn’t upset. I wasn’t really disappointed. The closest I can get to explaining how I felt is a sports analogy, and that’s bizarre because I’m not athletic.
In that moment, I felt like there were 8 seconds left in the game and my kid’s team just scored. But my kid wasn’t that one that got the winning goal. My kid had tried the entire game to score and, in those last seconds, they passed the ball to another player and got the assist. The team won! That’s exciting! But, there’s that little piece of me that would feel jaded that it wasn’t my child that got the glory of scoring the point.
Like we were so close to something so much more exciting, and just missed it. That’s kind of how I felt seeing that adorable pink onesie.
Girls are great
By no means am I upset I’m having another girl. No way. I love my girls and it’s exciting that Gianna and Scarlett will have another sister to bond with. To go on vacations together, annoy the shit out of each other, and share that special connection that only sisters have. I am excited for them, and for me and my husband Vince. Excited to have another girl to help in life because, let’s be honest, boys are freeloaders who are usually doted on by their mothers and sisters. If we had a boy, he might never learn to wipe his own ass.
I’m excited for this little girl. I’m happy to have her. Excited to see who she will become. How similar and different she will be from my other girls. I love her already which didn’t happen immediately with either of my babies. Gianna, because she came at a really tough period in my life and Scarlett, because I was worried I couldn’t love another child like I did Gianna. But with this little baby, I know I can love just as much.
Letting go
BUT, there’s still this little blue cloud on another part of my heart. A little bit of sad mist that is clinging. Clinging because I saw that boy and now it’s like I have to give him up. He’s stuck to my heart with glue just like he is on my vision board. That’s not to take away my joy of having my baby girl. It’s separate from her. But, it’s still there.
I need to figuratively peel him off my heart and I’ve been dealing with that undefined loss since those results were opened. Finally, writing all this made the emotion come out. I cried as I wrote the paragraphs above. I’m so happy I did. Because, the tears that came out took away that heaviness that was sitting there. I knew I had to write to make that happen. That’s the way I work.
My therapy
This post was written for me, to uncover my feelings through word therapy. But, through writing this, I learned that what I am feeling has a name: gender disappointment. Obvious name right? Though I don’t know if I like the term “disappointment.” It seems more negative than what I would call my emotions.
Knowing that what I am feeling is common made it all seem less upsetting because it doesn’t mean I’m flawed or that I’m messed up for feeling this way. Because when I had to react to the gender reveal, I felt like there wasn’t room to be sad. That it wasn’t right to be bummed that the onesie wasn’t blue. Showing people I felt that way would be wrong.
The knowledge that there are others that experience this feeling of being happy for what is to come, but somewhat sad at what will never be, makes this easier to process. Knowing that it’s OK to feel the way I do because it doesn’t mean there is any less love for what is in store for the future.
Stuck there for now
I don’t think I am going to peel that picture off my vision board just yet. He’s going to stay on there for now until I decide I am ready to let him go. For now, he is just a dream that wasn’t ready for this moment. Maybe he never will be. All dreams don’t come true after all. They morph and change. I mean…my husband had a dream once that he was in a hot tub with Britney Spears. So far, no luck on that one either and she’s on his vision board too.
We all have to move on at some point I guess.
Krissy, it’s scarey how much that picture looks like Vince when he was young. I can picture him the one year on vacation in NC about that age bitching about being bored on the beach. He was probably 5 or 6 at the time, I guess the sand toys weren’t enough. He probably didn’t have a boogy board yet, you know me and going in the ocean, ehhhhhh!!! It’s ok to be disappointed, we cannot control how we feel, I know she’ll be loved just as much!!โค
You can always go for four! Congratulations! I always felt bad that my daughter did not get to experience having a sister. The bond is like no other. She has two brothers and I lost three babies, but I had hoped she would have what I had. I love my two sisters (I love my brothers too) and we have each other’s backs. I am grateful and as your girls grow together you will see. Age makes no difference. I am 9 years older than one sister and 13 years older than the other. Still we are close. This was… Read more »
Iโm the opposite 6 boys! They are healthy and happy. And in the end thatโs all that matters! Congratulations
O dear Chrissy. Do t be disappointed. Gods plan for you having a boy may not be over ..when I read your blog n you said you envisioned a little 7 ish year old blonde boy!??? Just Maybe you may come across a situation of adopting one. You never never know what lies ahead of you. Like I ve told my son n Earl always be opened to something new ?!? Ya never know. So very happy for you. ?โค๏ธ??
Love these articles
Thank you for sharing. I’m going through major gender disappointment as I just found out I’m having a second son. It’s hard letting go of the daughter I always wanted, and the way you describe the feeling as, being “so close to something so much more exciting, and just missed it.” is exactly how I feel right now.
I don’t want any more children, but I’m hopeful that one day I will have granddaughters that I will be able to enjoy and spoil even more.
Hugs to you!