sunday afternoon is for strippers

Autoplay is a dangerous feature for video watching when you have kids. You could start off watching a completely innocent video on YouTube, and then 6 videos later, a college chick is shooting ping pong balls out of her…

You get the point. 

As a parent, I’m going to be direct and say that you should never allow a video service to autoplay anything for your kids. It’s like playing roulette with your eyeballs. I knew this about YouTube, but I realized recently that this applies to traditional TV as well.

What’s on Cable on a Sunday Afternoon?

A few Sundays ago, Vince was watching The Internship on our living room television. Part way through, it ended up attracting Gianna and Scarlett’s attention so they started watching with him. After it was over, Vince left the TV on, even though he was pretty much done watching it and was playing sudoku on his phone. 

Cue the next movie: We’re the Millers.

I’ve seen this movie years ago, but I didn’t remember the content that much. But it was on cable so I didn’t think much of it. I figured it would be fine. I was loosely paying attention, but mainly playing with Evie.

She Looks Familiar

About 5 minutes or so into the movie, Jennifer Aniston’s character, Rose, comes on. If you’ve never seen the movie, she’s a stripper. Whoops, forgot about that character detail. Despite being on cable, Rose begins to grind herself on the pole, in full (or not full?) stripper gear. Gianna and Scarlett are zoned in and watching, of course. Damage was already done, so I let it go. She didn’t take her clothes off after all and neither of them seemed the least bit bothered by these events.

Gianna’s only comment was, “Isn’t she on Friends?” 

I guess that’s cool that my kids aren’t disturbed by a woman sliding up and down a stripper pole in her underwear. Neither of them batted an eye to this display. I don’t know if, as a parent, that’s a good sign or not. Women should be confident to do whatever they want with their body and if that means…ah, whatever. That’s another discussion. 

Moving on, because it gets worse. 

Life Lesson: Don’t Get a Tattoo

Cue the next scene where Rose is talking to the newest stripper at her establishment, named Kymberly, and is giving her some advice since Jen is a veteran stripper. She told Kymberly to pick a stage name so she’s not using her real name with the clients. “Pick a nickname”, she says, “don’t you have one?” Kymberly replies with an excited, “Yes! I even have a tattoo of it.”

Kymberly proceeded to pull down her pants to show off her “Boner Garage” tattoo that’s right above her vagina with a directional arrow pointing down. Yes….a fupa tattoo that says “Boner Garage.” 

Scarlett: “What’s a boner garage?”

Oh. Dear. Lord. Why did I let this movie stay on the television?! I asked Scar if she really wanted to know. Because I try to be open with the girls and answer their questions….but I also really didn’t want to get into this discussion. Damn movie!

Scarlett of course says yes. What kid at this point would not be intrigued?

Thankfully (?) Vince chimes in to save me from this discussion.

Vince: “A boner is a penis.”

Silence follows from Scarlett as the movie played on. She still looked confused, bless her. So, of course, I connected the dots. Why? I don’t know dammit. I felt like we were already halfway in so I might as well rip off the damn band-aid and let her know. 

Me: A garage is where you store/park stuff…..so, her vagina is….

Scarlett: “OHHHHHH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA. …………I thought the tattoo was on her back.”

Vince pipes in: “Well that would have been even worse.” 

Me: Can we change this movie? I feel like it’s not that appropriate.

Yet, No One Moved

Somehow, even after I avoided the discussion of anal sex with my child thanks to Vince’s side comment, the movie stayed on. I don’t know why. Scarlett ended up leaving for music lessons, so she really wasn’t exposed to any more sexual metaphors. And, I thankfully didn’t have to answer any more questions. 

I did end up letting Gianna watch the movie. A lot of the stuff was edited, aside from the strippers and the boner garage references OBVIOUSLY. And she was already invested in the plot. While the movie was still on, I left for a walk with Evie, but chatted with her on the phone while I was out. I asked Gianna, at one point, if anything else bad or questionable was shown?

She said, “no, not really. Just right now the boy got his penis bit by a spider so he’s going to the hospital. It’s pretty funny.”

So, folks, lesson learned here is to just shut the damn TV off once your movie is over. Do not trust cable television to censor anything for you. Or else, you might end up like me, deflecting questions about anal from your tween daughter and realizing your 14-year-old doesn’t think penis injuries are bad.