stroganoff for dinner

Vince made stroganoff noodles as a side for dinner last night. Nothing fancy, just a $2.89 bag where you only need to add butter and milk. As we all gathered around the table to eat, he was the first to try the noodles. Normally Scarlett pounces on noodles but I think she was turned off by the grayish-brown color of the mushroom sauce. He took a bite and announced they were too salty, and he wasn’t a fan.

A few minutes pass by. No one else touches the noodles. I decide to give them a try. Normally I like stroganoff. The bowl of noodles didn’t really look appealing, but I at least wanted to see if there was potential. I took a bite. Blech. They weren’t good. I wasn’t turned off by the saltiness, but they just weren’t tasty at all. Definitely going in the trash.

Me: You’re right, normally I like stroganoff but…
Vince (interrupting me): You like stroking off?

Gianna starts giggling at the table, immediately seeing where this was going.

Me (ignoring his sexual innuendo): No, I said stroganoff.
Vince: Stroking off?
Gianna proceeds to giggle further and I roll my eyes. I don’t know why I continue, but I decide to clearly annunciate stroganoff again and clarify what I am talking about.

Me: No, normally I like stroganoff noodles…
Vince: You like stroking off noodles?!

Me and Gianna couldn’t stop belly giggling at this point. Dammit if stroganoff doesn’t clearly sound like “stroking off” even if you try to pronounce it clearly. So I just go with it.

Me: Well that would be hard to stroke off noodles unless they are uncooked.

Us three giggle further and continue to say stroking off/stroganoff jokes. Scarlett was sitting there the whole time, smiling along with us but not laughing. I could tell she was trying to figure out what was so funny. After a while, she finally spoke up.

Scarlett: What’s stroking off?
Me: Don’t worry about.
But after saying that, I hated just ending the conversation because I don’t like dismissing things or not giving them any explanation as to why they don’t get information from me. I do try to be transparent, and I could tell it bothered her to not be part of the joke.

Me: It’s sexual. Stroking off is a sexual term.
Scarlett (not missing a beat): Oh, is it like a handy?

We all then bust out laughing even harder. Scarlett was inadvertently introduced to what a handy was this past Christmas when Gianna had a bunch of girl and guy friends over for a holiday party. Vince gave a wonderful heartfelt dad speech to Gianna that he was fine with the coed party, but no doors should be shut and that there better be “no handies” going on. The man was speaking from experience of course.

Scarlett was a fly on the wall to this whole conversation back in December. I realized that if she knew about handies, what the hell was the difference if she knew what stroking off was? Same genre.

Me: Yes, it is. It’s basically the same thing.

I’m not thrilled that my 11-year-old knows about these things. But it is somewhat unavoidable when you have a 16-year-old sister and parents that don’t like to shelter you. I’m not necessarily proud…but at the same time it does make for some really enjoyable and hilarious dinner conversations.