Initially I had wanted to spend Mother’s Day mulching my front yard and planting some flowers to get my house ready to sell. I was going to guilt my family into doing manual labor since it was “my day” after all. However, after thinking about it, I realized that deep down, I didn’t really want to mulch. Sure, I want my yard to look nice, but honestly I don’t want to do it. I just want it done.
So, the night before Mother’s Day, as I was in another decade long nursing fest with Evie, I decided we would go to the local Bay Area Renaissance Festival instead. There were two more weekends left and we had never been to the one down here in Florida so I figured, why not? Here is my review, as only I review things. With honesty, tips, side tangents about personal stuff, and a healthy dose of curse words when appropriate.
Tips on Getting Tickets
For the love of God, google first. Don’t ever just show up somewhere and buy tickets. 9 times out of 10, there’s a coupon. In our case, Groupon had a special for 2 adults and 2 kids for $63. That’s a savings of 15%, Yeah, not a lot but Groupon also had a special where you could get an extra 30% with your order. Always google for coupons or use an extension like Honey or Rakuten. The extension will pop up and tell you if coupons are available for the site you are on.
Our 4 tickets were only $40ish after the coupon AND I also used the Rakuten extension so I got 4% back in cash rewards for the purchase. That’s a whopping $1.79, but drops in the pan here and there add up, trust me.
Also, I got 2 adult and 2 kid tickets with that Groupon. Judge away because Gianna is 14 and technically should have had an adult ticket. But they can kiss my ass. There’s no logical reason why she should cost more for entry and I shelled out enough cash there to not worry about the difference. More on that pocket rape to come a bit later in this post.
Driving to the Festival
The drive from our house to the festival was nice. Back roads and just a few lights. Tons of construction going on because everyone and their mother is moving to Florida. But, we smooth sail it to the festival parking lot, dusting up the minivan as we get there because the main road outside the festival grounds is unpaved. Vince makes the typical dad comment “glad I didn’t wash the car yesterday,” as the dust piled on our white exterior. We pulled into the parking lot and found a spot quickly. It’s busy, but not overcrowded and free parking is always nice.
Activities We Did at the Renaissance Festival
Upon arriving, my girls immediately start finding ways to spend my money, outside of the $40 I paid to get in. Since I saved $ with the Groupon, I was OK with it. Plus, it was Mother’s Day and I wanted to splurge a bit and treat my kids. Backwards thinking on Mother’s Day? Shouldn’t I be the one being spoiled? I don’t think so. I love seeing my girls have a wonderful time and sometimes I like to treat them without always making it a money lesson.
Gianna wants braids, a flower crown, and henna. Scarlett wants $7 lemonade with boba fruit and pretzels with beer cheese. I want the largest cup of cider beer this place has….did we get all that? No. Here’s what we covered, both free and what we shelled out cash for.
First we took picture of the girls sitting on the Iron Throne. I was a big Game of Thrones fan up until the last season so this was cool and totally free.
Map in hand, we started meandering through fair. We made our way past Mermaid Cove which is just one lady in a dunk tank dressed like a mermaid. She had a hype lady next to her who spoke in period tongue. “Where thou go-ist fair maiden” etc etc. My girls are older so none of this was impressive to them. However, we all were slightly jealous of the mermaid in her dunk tank. Despite being a mild day overall, it was hot as balls in the sun.
As we made our way past the mermaid, we saw a guy camouflaged as a plant. I went near him, mainly because I thought Evie would flip out. A man, dressed as a plant?! What baby wouldn’t be disturbed by this?! Am I evil to test her comfort level like this? Yes, yes I am. But I did it anyways…I don’t know why. Parents do those things. We put our babies in situations just to test them…knowing full well they’ll hate it or flip the hell out. But, Evie didn’t care one bit and the plant guy was engaged in a conversation with other spectators so we moved on.
Scarlett saw a sign that said “free petting zoo” so that was our next stop. The petting zoo was made up of goats, donkeys, and one llama. It was totally free to pet them, but there was a lady at the front selling cups of food so of course Scarlett wanted some. She got an ice cream cone filled with some kind of animal food and one baby carrot for $3. The food didn’t last long of course but whatever.Â
We left the petting zoo, unable to wash hands because the portable sink was out of water. Pretty gross and surprising giving COVID but what can you do. Hand sanitizer would have to do for the moment. Next, we stopped at the stage that promised a comedy fire show. The performer was pretty entertaining comedy-wise, but honestly fire breathing/eating tricks never wow me that much. I mean, I can’t do it and I’m sure it’s hard…but it just doesn’t do it for me.
The guy was good so we gave him a tip after the performance. Make sure you bring enough cash or stop at the onsite ATMs before a performance. These entertainers rely a lot on tips and deserve them after the shitty year COVID dealt them. So many of them were extremely grateful to work again and it showed.
After the show, we walked out and headed right and before my eyes I saw an Elephant Ride…on a real fucking elephant. What?!?!? I have never seen this offered anywhere before in my entire life. So damn cool. Of course the girls did this. It was a little pricey ($10 per child) and the elephant literally walked in the smallest circle ever, but it was totally worth it. How many people have rode an elephant? I dont think it’s common…maybe it is in Florida. But for us, it was worth the memory and the money.
After all that, the fam needed some food so we made our way to the tent with pretzels and boba lemonade. Gianna wanted something refreshing so she got a corn dog
 and a lemonade, Scarlett got the pretzels and a lemonade, and Vince got a calzone. I think the kiosk was just lazy with their pricing because everything was like $7 a piece, even the lemonade. Kind of expensive,but food usually is at these types of events.Â
Food was fine (cornbread on the corn dog was a little soggy and we had to ask them to recook the calzone again because the dough was still slimy) but whatever. Girls liked the lemonade. I wasn’t a fan. Personally I think boba is weird. I felt like I was swallowing a loogie when I sucked one through the straw with some lemonade. Overall, I wouldn’t recommend getting food unless you absolutely have to. In retrospect, I should have brought some snacks.
Bellies full enough, the fam made our way over to the psychic tents. I’ve had my palm read once, years ago at a work Christmas party, but never have I ever seen a psychic that read my chakras or did tarot card readings. But, I wanted to have my reading done after recently watching an interview with John Edward. It was about his ability to sense energies, among other things and since watching, I have a whole new appreciation for people that do this.
I sat down and had a mini-reading, The psychic instructed me to take a deep breath in and out as she closed her eyes and went to work. I was pretty impressed with her reading and am already itching to talk with her again soon. After thinking over the conversations we had that day, I have more questions I need answers to. After my reading. I convinced Vince to get his done too. It was $30 each for about 15 minutes and worth it. If you have an open mind, I highly recommend. It’s given me a new perspective and confirmed things I knew in my core to be true. Like the fact that me and Vince are meant to be…even though we are extreme opposites and I want to punch him in the dick sometimes. Love is weird.
Starting to wrap up the day, both the girls got little henna tattoos. They were $10 each and took minutes. Gianna got a moon and Scarlett got a sun. I thought it was sweet that they complemented each other, but I joked with G that the only reason she shines is because of Scarlett (whole sun/moon thing). She was not pleased, lol. The tattoos were fine. I wouldn’t spend anything more that $10 though because their ink isn’t that strong.Â
Finally, we made our way over to the Aerial Silks performance. Gianna takes aerial classes at a gym nearby so this was pretty cool for her to see. The woman performing was super sweet and also very skilled. I would have died about 50 times trying to do anything she did. The strength required to do her performance is beyond me. I couldn’t do a pull up in high school for the tests they used to administer in gym class let along hoist my entire body up two pieces of silk. Of course, tipping ensued.
Her 6 year old son ended up doing a little tight rope performance after she was done. I don’t think this was part of the scheduled acts because he wasn’t on the performances list but who’s gonna hate on a kid trying to hustle. Her son was cute and he did a great job walking forwards and backwards on the rope. Nothing earth-shattering, but he’s 6 and I appreciate his confidence and drive to get out there and make money. We tipped again, because that’s what you do.
And that was it folks. We didn’t watch any of the jousting or buy any souvenirs. Gianna was eyeing up a corset and dress combo, aka wench. I shot her down because 1) already spent enough money and 2) I don’t need to see my 14 year old in that shit. All in all, I would recommend going to the Bay Area Renaissance Festival.
I Shall Leave Ye Peasants with Some Words of Wisdom
- Wear real shoes, not sandals because your feet will get nasty (see pic). Sorry for the foot pic. My pedicure is about 2 months old and I just realized by looking at this photo how bad it looks. I don’t care enough to do anything about it, but wanted to acknowledge that I realize what I have going on….and I have weird toes. Whatever. Dirty feet, you get the point.
- If you have a baby, strollers are doable but I highly suggest baby-wearing by using a hip seat like my TushBaby. It’s like you have a minivan on your hips, but I don’t care. So many people ask me about it. It’s a life saver. If you click on that link, you can purchase. I get some cash and if you use my code (KRISTINA15) you’ll get 15% off.Â
- Bring lots of water. I had my cup filled of course, but my asshole kids never bring their own water with them so sharing meant I was parched. Vince bought me a water but it was $2 and that’s annoying. Note, you could also bring your own alcohol. They did not check my cup or my bag. I wasn’t in the mindset to drink, what with the kids being there and the baby hanging off my hip. But it crossed my mind a few times that it would be nice to just spend the day there, sipping a few ciders and enjoying the entertainment.
- And remember, google first. You can save yourself some cash….which is needed because you’re going to be spending it once you get inside.
Questions on the festival? Let me know by commenting below or shooting me an email. Fare thee well, my good ladies and sirs. I shall see you anon.