Gianna was out practicing parking with her friend and Scarlett the other night in our neighborhood. She’s gearing up to get her license in a month, but parking is not her strong suit.
After getting in a few rounds, Scar and Gianna’s friend wanted to go sneak into our unfinished clubhouse to see how it looked. Not to do any vandalism, just curious and wanting to explore. Excited by the thrill of doing something somewhat bad. Something you shouldn’t. Feeling empowered by the nighttime sky.
Gianna, concerned of being caught by the security guard that occasionally drives around the neighborhood, initially declined going inside. What if they got caught? We shouldn’t do this. We aren’t allowed. I’ll stay outside and keep watch, you guys go in. Saying all those things, even though deep in her heart, she was curious and wanted to go inside too.
And, you know what made her finally say yes? Me. Her mother. The person that is supposed to give her rules and guidance. A north star for the right behavior. *palm meet face*
She decided to join Scar and her friend inside that clubhouse, not because of peer pressure, but because she knew I would have gone inside at her age. My curiosity would have beat the voice of caution. I’ve shared so much about myself and my childhood to my own kids that Gianna knew I would have gone in. And she was right.
I had, and still have, an innate desire to explore new places. I like to see new things. Find out where roads go. Travel down paths I’ve never been. Open doors just to know what’s on the other side. It’s fun and exciting to me. Anytime we go somewhere new, I want to walk down every road to see where it goes and what’s on it. And some rules, to me, are negotiable.
As a child, I did the same. Gianna was right. I would have gone in.
Part of me deeply enjoys knowing that my desire to explore and not always follow EVERY rule just because someone tells you to have been etched into Gianna. I think it’s good to be able to operate in a gray area. It’s good to be a bit adventurous. However, there’s another part of me that is like “dear god, this is ass backwards. Her mother isn’t supposed to compel her to make questionable choices. I should lecture her. Do as I say, not as I do (or have done).”
But I know how that works. They would end up doing it anyways. Maybe not exploring empty unfinished clubhouses. But they would do something. Something to test boundaries that are in place for them. And they could test boundaries way more dangerous. Because that’s what kids do at this age. They test and learn. And some tests are way more dangerous or life altering.
However, it seems like my kids are testing the same boundaries I have so far. Every questionable thing my two older girls have done to push limits, I have done. Now, they didn’t always choose to do them because they knew I had or would have. They just came to that boundary and said, let’s see what happens.
And most often, they learned the same lessons I did. It’s not worth it. Or, hmm, that wasn’t bad but I’m glad I got that out of my system and nothing really bad happened.
So, I’m going to be ok with them testing the same boundaries I have in the past. Even though them breaking a rule because “Mom would” really doesn’t sound like something that should be in a parenting book. But really do we all follow what the parenting books say? I don’t. I can’t. Following all those parenting rules is impossible in real life.
But I like to think that by talking to my kids openly and telling them all my flaws and bad choices is a good thing. Letting them see that I’m not a perfect rule follower and that I’ve made so many mistakes, is a good thing. I like to think that parenting is an experiment. I won’t know how my choices are going to impact my kids until they are done brewing. But I have to parent honestly and openly. I don’t want boundaries between me and them. I don’t want to say, “do as I say, not as I do.” I want to say “here’s what I did and why. Here’s what happened and why I think it was or wasn’t a good idea.” And then, if they make the choice, they decided the boundary was worth pushing too.
Yes, exploring can be dangerous. Going into an unfinished clubhouse is not the best idea. There are a lot of “what if’s” that could happen. Like the motion detector security alarm going off and making you scream and run out, adrenaline pumping as your legs carry you faster than they ever have before. But if this is the worst thing my 16-year-old does this year, I’m honestly ok with that. I know there’s a lot worse out there.