Locked Door
Warning, my little chickens. This content might not be suitable for your virgin eyes.
I am 37 as I write this post. Not dead yet, but not at the ideal age for a 9 month sobriety challenge (aka pregnancy). This isn’t the age to start trying again…because apparently, I’d be considered as having a “geriatric” pregnancy and that’s plain ridiculous. I’m fucking 37 not 62. How is that geriatric? I don’t use a walker and I only wet my pants when I sneeze.
It needs another name. Like….seasoned pregnancy or I’m-a-mature-fucking-woman-who-took-my-time pregnancy.
I Started Young & Had a Devil Child
I had Gianna at a relatively young age (24) and Scarlett about 4 years after. Baby #3 was never completely off the table, but I had been wrestling for years after I had Scarlett on whether or not I wanted to have another.
It took me awhile. For many reasons.
First, Scarlett was a beast. I’ve somewhat tamed her over the past 3 years, but my mental state would have been severely compromised if I had a baby too soon after she was born. She was entirely too much – in good ways and in bad.
Having a 3rd that close to her would have been unfair to Gianna (who never required as much attention to keep her alive) and unfair to my quality of life.
Scarlett was and is that child that tests your limits. The one who pushes your buttons just to see how far she can get before reeling it back in and giving you the biggest, sweetest hug. Scarlett will do devilish things like steal money from you, but not tell you when asked. And, she will remain silent as she watches you search the entire house looking for said money. Or smear Nutella in the bathroom so you have to sniff test. Or replace the your deodorant stick with cream cheese. She constantly mind-fucks us all.
So I waited…..
I Didn’t Think I Could Be a Great Mom & Work Full Time
Second, I felt like, with two kids and working full-time, that I was never 100% great at being a mother or being an employee. I mean, I do a decent job at both, but my personal mindset was that I couldn’t be great at either if pulled in both directions. This was my internal voice, whom I’ve named Nancy, telling me I couldn’t be great at both. She sucks like that.
Vince always wanted a large family since he comes from one. His grandma had 9 fucking kids! 9! That woman was amazing. Miss her every day. Mainly because she 100% always had my back and she called Vince an asshole and a little fucker right to his face.
Who wouldn’t love a gram like that?! She was the best.
Having 9 kids was NEVER an option. But, I would concede to 3 or 4. However, my requirement for having another was that Vince needed to get financially strong enough on his end so that I could go part-time. Who the fuck am I kidding. Not part time. I have no qualms with being a stay at home mom. It sounds glorious. Glorious!
I mean, my work is absolutely amazing and accommodating. I can’t complain. It just sounds freeing to have that time back to do whatever I need for my family.
Don’t get all judgey on me, current stay at home moms. I know you don’t sit around and do nothing all day. Loosen the grip on your vaginas. This is just one mom’s opinion and life goals.
Anyways, we never really got to that state where I felt comfortable trying again.
So, I waited…..
There’s Never a Perfect Time So Just Do It
And now, here I am. 37 years old. At the point where, for me, if I don’t have a baby in the next year – I think I’m closing up shop. The shop has been on clearance sale for years and the shelves are full of XL- sized crop tops and belts. Stuff no one wants.
For now, we are trying.
I’m not sure how long it will take or if I gave the middle-finger to pregnancy by deciding to wait too long and she’s going to say fuck you right back. The first time, with Gianna, it was a pure mistake. 100% shouldn’t have happened. I had only been off the pill for a few weeks (to switch brands) and we did the most sensible kind of contraception – the pull out method. Never fails, right? Hahahahha, wrong.
Don’t do it kids. It’s like baby roulette.
Regardless, I got pregnant. It was too easy. But, I was 24 so maybe my eggs were still fresh and the shop was full of the newest fall fashions at full price.
Second go around with Scarlett. We didn’t try per se…but we didn’t prevent. And, a few months later after a rousing Halloween party, I was pregnant. Voila. So this child was conceived as I was dressed up like Dead Dorothy and Vince was the Scarecrow that killed me.
That’s the aura that fed into the making of Scarlett….so I guess we shouldn’t be too surprised at the outcome. Oh! And, my water broke at 3:33 in the AM. Devil child.
Keep Your Eye on the Prize Penis
Fast forward 8 years and, this time, we are REALLY trying. Mainly, because we want to go for a boy.
What does that mean? Well, it means I have an app on my phone called “Flo.” Flo tells me when I am ovulating and asks me to track my vaginal spooge to estimate when my egg drops into place. I know. No one likes to discuss discharge. Sorry, but I am writing what my brain shoots out. No filter.
This is a mental diarrhea blog, not your typical mommy blog.
Ovulation Day means it’s time to GET IT ON. Boomchickwahwah.
OD day is prime boy baby making time because the boy sperm swimmers are quicker, but they die off fast. If you have sex right when the egg drops, those little suckers will likely get there first and have a fighting chance.
Side note, I feel like we should have a themed race around that idea. Like a marathon called Insemination 5K where people dress up like sperm and at the finish line there’s a giant egg they have to poke through to win. Like Price is Right’s Punch-a-Bunch. Soooooo fun!
Someone do it please. I would watch. Not participate. Because 5K’s are fucking hard.
Scarlett is super excited for us to have a baby. She wants to be a big sister so bad. She marks the OD day on our calendar in the kitchen. Except she writes “Have Sex” on our calendar instead of something more discrete.
Why couldn’t she draw a little heart? Or an egg? It’s fine…..I guess. We are really open with our kids.
But, I forgot to erase this little note of encouragement and it was on there for a while. Hoping that no one visiting saw it or they might not come over again. Seeing “Have Sex” on a kitchen calendar written in 8 yr old handwriting would be disturbing.
It’s hard to fit in sex when you actually want it (which for me is rarely) let alone when it’s dictated by your fertility. So far, we’ve managed to fit it in (pun intended) for every OD day the past few months. A feat I am proud of! Whatever emotion or magic that would be a part of the act, however, is kinda placed on the shelf during OD day though.
We have a purpose, not a passion for sex.
I lay there after and feel like a whole chicken that needs to marinade….feet up in the air. Waiting to go in the oven. Just let it have a penis, Lord. Let it have a penis.
Lol ? ur too much
You crack me up, I Love it!!!!!!!❤
I may have threw up in my mouth a couple times on this one. Good Job.
Love all of these blogs, interesting and hilarious
I’m crying ?? baby needs a new cousin!
Seems everyone is getting the baby fever.
I mapped, I tempt, I laid with feet up in the air for 9 months, NOTHING. Got drunk one night, we did it and passed out and badda bing badda boom, I was prego. I know this because I tracked diligently and wrote down every night that I drank. So have a glass of wine, it’ll happen!
Krissy……?. I’m speechless. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. And looks like you’re doin it!!!
I am so excited for you guys!
[…] June, will be almost 9 years younger than Scarlett. I intentionally waited to try for another baby. I’ve talked about those reasons before. So now, here I am essentially starting all over again when my oldest is […]