it’s ok you’re not here

Evie has been gone this week. She traveled up to Pittsburgh with Vince for 5 days and it’s utterly insane how quiet the house is, despite me still having 3 other children here. How clean the toy room has remained, except for the dried-up patch of pink slime that’s still on the carpet that might be there forever. It’s strange to not have her home.

But what I’ve realized in her absence is the sheer amount of time she takes to sustain throughout the day. Whether it’s making her snack after snack after snack and cleaning up the aftermath of said snacks. Coming with her to the bathroom to watch her poo (her request, she doesn’t want to be alone), wiping her butt, cleaning out her toddler potty…getting her dressed and ready for the day, playing, calming her tantrums, etc…etc…..

It’s so much time.

I was aware before she left that a good part of my day was spent on her, but I didn’t truly realize HOW MUCH until she left this week. I never get long breaks without her. Except for the one-time last year when Gianna and I traveled to Europe. That was different because I was out of my element. Being home WITHOUT her is a different experience. I’m living my normal life, without her. And, without her here…. it’s been kinda nice.

Ok, I feel a bit shitty saying that. Moms shouldn’t enjoy their kid being gone, right? They should miss them terribly and want them home. But I don’t. I mean, I want her back of course. But not any sooner than when she is supposed to come back. It’s like I’m getting a little vacation from her needs, wants, and demands….and it’s been soooooo refreshing.

I think/hope it’s normal to feel this way. To love this time apart because I recognize it’s not permanent. She’s coming back to me, and I want her to. My life isn’t my life without all my family in it. I think I can still revel in this time where I don’t have to worry about her needs and demands. Enjoy the freedom.

Sure, I have Marina here. And the first half kids of course. But Marina, bless her soul, naps. She entertains herself quietly for small amounts of time. She is quick to get ready. The older two don’t require too much from me.

However, without Evie here, my attention isn’t as diluted as it usually is. I took a walk with Gianna the other day. We talked and got the mail together. I helped Scarlett practice for her soccer tryouts. Scar even slept in my bed for the first time in a long time because usually Evie is there and makes everyone’s lives a living hell if Scarlett attempts to lay with us.

This quality time with my other children doesn’t happen that often because my Evie girl is a whirlwind. She demands the most attention right now. I wouldn’t have her any other way.

I love her so much. The house feels off without her.
But I also love this time apart. The freedom. The calmness. The time back.
It feels wrong to feel this way...but I’m going to give myself some grace. Being a mom isn’t easy. Especially to a threenager. It’s a hard job. And every hard job requires you to take a step back sometimes to reset. You need that vacation and I’m just going to enjoy mine for the next couple of days. And when I pick up my crazy baby girl from the airport, I’ll give her the biggest hug, refreshed and ready to enjoy my time again as her mom.