My oldest, Gianna, who at this time is 12, has only been to one field trip without me in all of her 9 years of school. The only reason I didn’t go was because I tagged-in Vince. They went to Heinz Field (we used to live in Pittsburgh) and I knew it was something he would appreciate more than me.
Anyways, I’ve been to farms, zoos, estuaries, amusement parks, museums, science centers….you know, the standard field trip circuit. I’m very fortunate to be able to volunteer. My work is very accommodating in that way and I appreciate the fact that not everyone is afforded that same opportunity. But, as jealous as you may all be of me right now, I need to let you in on a little secret.
Chaperoning sucks.
Especially for me. As you may recall, I never wanted kids and don’t really like them. It’s just who I am. That’s why I never had the desire to be a teacher or pediatrician or ANY profession that involved children. So with that in mind, why on earth would I volunteer to willingly be around other people’s kids?
For the love of all that is good in this world …why?!
Sensing my lack of love for children, the universe has rewarded me with some memorable and ironic experiences along the way.
Exhibit A: Kindergarten Field Trip to the Zoo
(DO NOT DO THIS. PICK ANOTHER TRIP. THIS IS HORRENDOUS). Aside from the fact that the zoo is horrible for a group of 5-6 year olds, I happened to have a girl in my group with some sort of oral fixation issue. She literally put everything in her mouth. She had her hair cut short so she wouldn’t eat her own hair and wore a chewy necklace around her neck as a go-to instead of sticking random things in said mouth.
Immediately on seeing that I would be responsible for the safety of this child at the zoo (along with 5 other kindergartners), I questioned the chaperone selection process. Sure, there’s a background check to volunteer at the school, but I feel like they should have qualified me for this responsibility first.
This is serious shit. There’s all kinds of things this child could put in her mouth and choke on. Had they questioned my history before assigning me this child, I would have legit failed.
Fictitious chaperoning interview
Teacher: “First question, Mrs. Curtin. Has your child ever choked or blocked her airway by putting foreign objects in her mouth?”
Me: “Ummmm, well actually, yes.”
Teacher: “Okay, thank you for your interest. That will be all for today.”
Backstory…..Scarlett was a baby. Maybe 10 months or so. She refused pacifiers (aka binkies in our house) from the get go. Hated them. Yay, right!? No dental issues for this girl or the need to throw away the binkies when she is 4 and make her cry all night.
But no binkies meant no mouth plug which equaled a constantly open down-shoot for whatever Scar wanted to shove in her mouth. And she loved shoving crap in her mouth. She did it sometimes on purpose – solely to get a reaction from us. Like in the movies when someone throws a key in the mouth and threatens to swallow it. Complete with the full stare down dare…..
I set her down for a minute with Gianna to do something moms need to do when they have 2 kids and no time. Not even 30 seconds later, I hear Gianna screaming that Scarlett was choking.
Sure enough, she shoved a toy in her mouth the instant I walked out of the room. Damn tiny toys they make for kids today. Littlest Pet Shop, Polly Pocket, Shopkins, those stupid-ass gel beads you can give yourself a pedicure in…choke hazards is what they all are. God bless Gianna. Before she called me, she tried to get Scarlett to spit it out and ended up shoving it more down her throat.
To make the story short, I got the toy out by doing the finger sweep method. I could see the toy. I ended up scratching her throat in the process so there was blood coming out of her mouth. The adrenaline I had during this ordeal was insane.
It was one of the worst experiences of my life….
Good news though. Scarlett did survive (duh). So did Pie-Hole* and the other kids in my group. I didn’t have to shove my finger down her throat at all! I had to say “don’t put that in your mouth” at least 25 times and I think she licked a few handrails. My stress level was at an all time high that day and I likely shaved a few years off my life and gave me at least 1 new gray hair to bitch about.
Have I learned my lesson? Pffft, no. I still volunteer. It might be part masochism but mostly I like being there for my kids. Just in case they need me. And usually they don’t – but you never know. The one time I’m not there…..
If this post has scared you away from chaperoning, I won’t judge you. It takes a special kind of person to do it. By special, I mean crazy…..or someone who legitimately likes kids.
Obviously, I am the former.
*Name changed to protect the innocent.
[…] shit if this isn’t true about Scarlett. Choking on toys, jumping in a pool without supervision, falling out of her crib, eating my birth control pills, […]