rollercoaster of love

The emotional rollercoaster of parenting teens – especially daughters – is no joke. I used to think it was exaggerated—until my daughter Scarlett entered into her development years. Her older sister didn’t really prepare me for “typical teen girl” experience. But now that I am in the thick of it with Scar, I realize that parents could likely lose their minds during this stage. 

The verbal jabs, eye rolls, and mental abuse you endure through your teenage daughter is relentless. If you don’t have your wits about you, if you don’t arm yourself with knowledge and give yourself daily pep talks, you could find yourself crying in your minivan as you attempt to drive yourself home from the latest uber drive you just gave your child. 

Yes, that was me this past weekend. I had just left Scarlett at her friend’s house after taking HOCO pictures and found myself stifling a cry as I drove down the street, trying to push back the pity party I was having for myself. I would have let the emotions out, but my two younger girls were in the back seat, and I didn’t want to field any questions about why I was sobbing. So, I did my best to hold it in, but the feelings were there.

I was crying because I felt inferior, unwanted, and annoying thanks to the past hour I spent with my teen, taking group photos before the dance. She all but pushed my ass into the minivan so I would leave and let her get on her way to her first high school dance. It’s not easy to feel like your kid wants nothing to do with you. That you are embarrassing to them. After the years of love and support you pour into them, they act like you are a leper sometimes – and that’s not an easy thing to deal with. 

Do better

For months, I’ve been having the on and off feelings of not being a good enough mother for Scarlett. Whether it’s me not:

1. 1. Getting her places on time

1. 1. Dressing nice enough when picking her up from school or events

1. 1. Having a home fit for HGTV, or

1. 1. Being a “normal girl” who likes shopping or hanging out with other girls.

I have felt more than once that Scarlett might wish she had a different mom. A mom that did and was all the things she wanted. Moms like her friends’ moms who dress cute or love to shop. Moms that buy their daughters Starbucks and have clean fancy houses. Moms that don’t have greek yogurt stains on their shirt half of the day because their 2 year old likes to use them as a napkin, or who don’t always wear exercise leggings despite the fact of not really exercising. 

Mind you, Scarlett has never said she wants a different mom. But I know she would love an improved me. She will make comments about her friends’ moms to me on how they act, what their houses look like, what they do, and I can’t help but feel inferior most times. When she compliments the other moms for some reason my mind goes right back to how I felt in high school, comparing myself to all the girls I thought were better than me. In these moments, I feel like I’m just not good enough for the high standards she seems to have in her mind. I wallow in my insecurities. I cry to myself in my hot mess of a minivan….

And then I have to slap myself in the fucking face.

I’m 43 not 16 and all of this that is going on in my mind is not what reality is. 

I am a good mother. 

I love my girl immensely even though I’m split between 4 kids and try to do whatever I can to be there for her and raise a kind, grounded, human being. 

I am a person that doesn’t focus on my physical appearance because I’d rather focus on other things I see as more important. 

I remind myself of all those things and also, more importantly, that what triggered my tears that day in the minivan is ALLLL MY FAULT. It’s not Scar’s. She is doing and saying all the things that are completely NORMAL for a teenage girl to do. She is pushing me away because she is dealing with the process of becoming an adult and leaving childhood behind. She is lightly insulting me because I’m a safe space for her. Her shitty side remarks and desire to leave my presence aren’t meant to hurt me or change me. I don’t have to be like the other moms to be a good mom for her. I can be the frazzled mom who shows up in carline in my minivan with fruit snack wrappers scattered on the floor. My daughter might be embarrassed by me because I ruin “her aura”, but I know – deep down – she loves me. 

I know she doesn’t want another mom. And she doesn’t want me to feel this way. However, she probably does really wish I was a little more put together and that our house didn’t look like a toy store exploded in it. She probably would love an improved upon me, but she still wants me. 

It was like it never happened 

After talking myself down in the minivan from the comparison and insecurity spiral that I was in, I wiped my tears, tried to hold my head high, and kept thinking that I was enough. The insecurities still lingered in the back of my mind as they do, but I was OK for the moment. 

Scar got into the car the next morning, after an amazing HOCO experience. She talked to me on the ride home, excited about her night, the fun she had and the memories she made. After pushing me away the day before – giving me one-word answers and eyerolls, here she was reeling me back into her life. I soaked it up, making sure to say my words carefully to keep the conversation flowing.

We got home, got situated, and ended up in my office. I sat down to show her something on my computer, and she sat behind me on my chair – snuggling her face into my shoulder blade….

What?????????????

I took a moment and just breathed. Feeling her face on my back. She wanted to be close to me. My child that used to be so affectionate with me but hadn’t welcomed a hug in quite some time, actually snuggled me again. My heart was going through whiplash, but I made sure I enjoyed that brief moment. She couldn’t see the smile on my face, but it was there. 

Holding on for the ride

And this is what having a teenage daughter is like. They push you away. They insult you and make you feel inferior. But then they pull you back in and snuggle you like they are 5 again. And you have to deal with all that emotional yo-yoing. You have to be strong, not take it personal, and not break. 

I’ve been avoiding writing about my feelings on this for a couple of months actually because I don’t want to hurt HER feelings. I don’t want Scarlett to read this and think she has to change or be any different with me. She is doing all the things she is supposed to do. Thanks to reading a book on teenage girls a couple of years ago, I know this is all part of the development process. But just because I know it’s normal, it doesn’t mean I’m exempt from feeling like shit because of it. You can read about experiences, but until you live it you don’t really understand the hardness of the situation. 

How I am feeling isn’t her fault. My feeling of being less than or not enough for my daughter is not something she needs to be concerned about.  I am an adult. If I am feeling insecure or inferior as her mother, that is on me to figure out and fix. Not her. I just have to keep reminding myself that when she does things to push me away.

And along the way, make sure I take the time to cherish the moments that she pulls me back in.