homesick

When we moved to Florida 8 years ago, I thought the upheaval would impact Gianna the most. She was 9 after all. She had a circle of friends and had grown up her entire life surrounded by our very large and very close extended family. However, she acclimated to the distance just fine. I mean, she misses parts of Pittsburgh, her old friends, school (the sorrow at losing lockers is a real thing), and family, but she would NEVER move back. The cold is not for her, and she’s since made a whole life down here. By whole life I mean she has a serious boyfriend. 

I joke, but you get the point.

No, I thought Gianna would have the hardest time. I never thought Scarlett would be the one to miss Pittsburgh. She was nearing 5 when we left. The child was a homebody. She never wanted to go anywhere. I had to bribe her to go to her grandparents’ house most days when I had to go to work. I didn’t think she’d miss anything as long as she had a roof over her head, food, her sister with her, and me nearby.

Obviously based on the fact that I’m writing this post, I was wrong.

Can a 17-Year-Old Be a Lap Child, Please?

After moving, Scarlett would cry every time we went back to visit, saying that she missed Pittsburgh, her grandparents, and family and why did we have to move??? She would be fine once we were back home, but each visit brought tears on her end and guilt on my part for taking her away from it all. How was I supposed to know she’d care that much? She hadn’t seemed to care two shits when we lived there.

She still says that Pittsburgh is one of her favorite places and she wants a house there someday. One of her many houses she will have across the United States, mind you. She wants to visit more than the rest of us, and we do our best to get her there at least twice a year. Now that she’s older, it’s a bit easier because our whole hoard doesn’t have to go. Buying flight tickets for this many people is not cheap. And, as much as I love seeing our family, it’s hard to be ok with spending a thousand dollars or more to fly there. I’d rather spend that money and go someplace I haven’t seen yet. I don’t want to vacation in Pittsburgh, lol. And I don’t want to drive 14 hours either. Call me bougie. Call me spoiled. But I fucking hate car rides. They are long, boring, and seem like a total waste of time. Why take days to get somewhere when it could only take me hours? Why shove 4 kids in a car for that long? It’s stupid. It’s torture. I don’t want to do it.

Now, though, we are finally at the point where Scarlett can visit on her own. One flight is wayyyy more digestible to my wallet.

So, for the past 16 days, Scar has been in Pittsburgh. Yes, 16 days. That’s a long ass time. I’ll be honest, I thought she was going to regret her decision. I thought she would get homesick and be bored. I thought she would never want to do it again.

And here I sit, wrong about Scarlett, again.

Could You Have Missed Home a Wee Bit More?

She loved her trip. She wasn’t bored at all. And I’m happy that she enjoyed her time up there so much. Ok, honestly, I’m also a little irritated. I guess in my heart I wanted her to not like it THAT much because maybe it would validate our decision to be here in Florida. Like, see Scar?! Things aren’t that great up there all the time. And I’m a little sad she wasn’t more homesick. I think she would have stayed another 16 days up there if she could. I know that’s good that she had fun and that my child wasn’t miserable for two weeks. But there is that part of me that is a little disgruntled at the success of her trip and the fact that she didn’t call me in utter misery and ask me to come home early.

In fact, on the night she arrived home, she came into my room around 3AM, saying she couldn’t sleep. I held out my arms and had her lay down next to me. As she laid there, snuggling, she began to cry. “I miss TT” she said quietly so as not to wake anyone else. I rubbed her back and shushed her. Saying to try and not think about it now. It will only keep her up. To get some rest, she’d had a long day.

But…..WTF child?!!!! I mean, sorrows, sorrows, prayers. But you’re crying in the middle of the night right now about missing your grandma?! Did you cry about me, your birth giver (as she has me labeled in her phone) while you were away from me for 16 damn days? You know, the woman that you literally sucked the life out of for 10 months of your life? The woman you gave gray hair to? Did you cry for me? Huh? HUH?!!!!!

And then I have to tell the voice in my head to STFU and be kind. Scarlett doesn’t have to miss me. This isn’t a feelings contest. Stop being so damn selfish, Nancy (that’s the name I gave to my voice inside my head) and be there for your kid. Being 13 isn’t easy and she doesn’t see her grandmother as much as she gets to be with you. Stop being such a main character.

David Goggins

I do think her solo trip was good, though. Especially because of one conversation Scarlett had with Vince about 11 days into her trip. It was in the evening, and they were on the phone together. This phone call lasted at least 10 minutes. That’s over 10 minutes of dialogue between a dad and his 13-year-old daughter. This amount of speaking together is rare. I don’t know when they last had a conversation that long.

They talked about her plans for the upcoming school year. She told him to stop pressuring her and I wanted to give her a damn virtual high five for being so strong. They talked about her goals in life and writing them down. She talked about listening to motivational speakers while exercising and I think Vince could have died when she asked him “Dad, do you know who David Goggins is?” Oh man. You would have thought I just handed him a box of new crayons. His face lit up, his voice raised 2 volume levels, and he said “what?! Do you know who he is? Let me tell you who he is!!! How did you hear about him!!!”

Such a fan girl.

Vince has been sending motivational videos to our kids for years. He’ll use our group text chat [where I’m the only green bubble] to send links to inspirational videos he wants us all to watch from YouTube. Most often, neither of the girls respond. I don’t think they’ve ever watched a clip he’s sent, and he’s probably sent one including Goggins before. But somehow, while in Pittsburgh, she uncovered Goggins on TikTok and was impressed. Vince was in heaven.

Let Me Be Grateful. Let Me Be a Mother.

If she hadn’t been some 900 miles away, they probably would have never had this conversation. I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful she had 16 days to be with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. I’m grateful her grandma took her shopping at the mall, and I got to see her haul on video rather than spend hours at the stores with her. I’m grateful she was surprised with a party to celebrate her 13th birthday with family.

Mostly, I’m grateful she’s home. Because even though she spends most of her time in her room, the house felt empty without her here. I joke with my daughters that it’s good I have 4 kids because I have built in replacements if one kid goes missing. Got to keep them on their toes, after all. But my Scarlett is irreplaceable, and I love her very much…. even if she didn’t cry over me. Welcome home, bubs.