As a parent, you constantly have to deal with the fact that you are only one person. One person, when in reality you should be at least 3 to deal with all the needs in your life:Â
- Parent
- Partner
- Provider
You need to deal with the fact that you cannot split yourself into 3 different people or duplicate yourself like Michael Keaton did in Multiplicity (I like pizza, Steve). You have to find ways to do everything while still only having one body and two arms.
This challenge is compounded when you have multiple kids. You are one person who now needs to be multiplied even more times and it can be overwhelming. This inability to be in multiple places at once has been a challenge for years. But recently, I missed a moment in Gianna’s life because of it and I should have chosen differently.Â
Here’s the story.
Being split
Vince traveled up PA to wrap up some things with our first AirBnB property and to clear out another house where the tenants just moved out (this is a whole other story…tenants were asses, they left the house in a state of pure shit. But I won’t get into that here).
So, with Vince gone for a bit, I was in charge of carting Gianna and Scarlett to and from their various activities every day. Juggling that is manageable. It did get challenging with Evie with her sleep schedule but for the most part it was doable.Â
But on this particular occasion, Gianna got called up to play on a preseason varsity game for her high school that was about an hour away. It was the first game of the season and her first time playing for varsity. I had Evie sleeping at 5:30 and Scarlett home as well. With Vince gone, in order for me to leave the house to go to G’s game, I would have had to find someone to babysit for at least 5 hours on a school night.
I debated in my head on what to do. I ask Gianna how she felt about it. If she wanted me there, I would 100% have found a way. She said she honestly didn’t mind if no one came to her game. She understood the logistics and didn’t mind. I believed her. Gianna said she actually felt bad that it DOESN’T bother her if we aren’t there to cheer her on. Still, as a parent, that stuff bothers you….or at least it should I think.
What if something happened and I wasn’t there – both good or bad? What if I wasn’t there to cheer her on or comfort/care if needed? That’s my job as her mom. I didn’t have that growing up. No one came to my events. In the moment, I didn’t care either. But now looking back, it’s a bit sad to think that I didn’t have someone there to support me. I’m ok with it really, but I don’t want that for my kids. There’s a lot about my childhood that I’m ok with, but would never allow my kids to experience.
Even so, I didn’t go to her game.
One me
So, she traveled on the school bus and played in her first preseason varsity game without me or Vince in the bleachers to watch that moment. She got playing time and did great. The team won and she was on the field at the end, under the lights when it happened. I wasn’t there to see that moment and it sucks.Â
I wish I could split myself into 8 different people so I can focus on caring for everything in my life that needs me. I can’t do that, though. There’s only one me. On this night, this one me stayed home with Evie and Scar, working on my computer instead of paying a sitter to stay at my house so I could drive to my oldest daughter’s soccer game and see her play.
Regret?
I don’t regret this decision, because I don’t have regrets. No one should. Instead of regretting, you should have learning experiences. Regret is pointless because you can’t change the past – but you can learn from it. What I learned from missing this game is that there are some moments in life where, even if they seem small, you have to dig deep and think if you really want to miss them.
I let my mind talk myself out of seeing Gianna’s game. I told myself that it wasn’t really a game. It was preseason and didn’t count. I told myself she probably wouldn’t get a lot of playing time so spending time to drive there and pay someone to watch the younger girls was unnecessary. I told myself Gianna didn’t really care so it was fine.
But my heart was telling me a different story and I should have listened to it. In my heart, I knew that this was a special moment. Her first HS game, away, and under the lights. My heart knew I should have went. My lesson is that I need to make sure that I listen to my heart and not my mind. Usually, your heart tells you the right story, you just have to push your mind out of the way to hear it (shut up, Nancy!). The mind is so busy, fearful, and wrong half the time. But your heart is always right.
I can’t split or multiply this one me that I am. But I can make sure that this one me choses what my heart tells me is right. I’m not going to miss any more of these moments in Gianna’s life. Especially because she is approaching the time where these moments are no longer mine to experience with her. She’s becoming separate from us, and I can’t let logistics allow me to miss any more of the moments I have left where her life is still mine to experience this way.