My husband and I have been “together” for over 20 years now. High school sweethearts, we’ve had more than our share of ups and downs. Yet here we are, married with three children, happy but not so much that it makes people nauseous to be around us. Despite our many differences, we make this thing work.
There’s always room to be better though. As the saying goes, “if you aren’t growing, you’re dying.” So, Vince and I decided to take a relationship growth class together – just to see what little tidbits we could get from it.
I feel like I need to elaborate on the class just a bit before I get to my story. I use the term “class” loosely. It’s a set of audio recordings with a workbook that Vince bought as part of a larger series of growth courses centered around leadership, life, achievement, and also love. We are going to listen to all of the classes but decided for some arbitrary reason to start with the relationship piece.
The class itself is a little obnoxious so far. The husband and wife are amazing leaders and speakers…. but throughout the recording they refer to each other as “my lover, my baby, etc” and I can’t help but cringe at that shit. I’m working on my gag reflex to those mushy words. Once you get passed the lover language, there’s some good nuggets of advice. Which leads me to this key tenant they stress in their class:
Put your partner first.
Hold up…. no. I have 3 kids. My babies are first, 100%. Their needs are above Vince’s. If we were playing “The Good Son Test,” you bet I’d be letting go of his hand first. But in the class, they explained that first comes your needs (you can’t give love if you don’t have it so make sure to fill your cup first), then you should make sure your partner’s needs are addressed (you can’t fill your kids’ cups if your relationship isn’t full).
Everything in my mom brain hates this, but as I looked at our relationship in a new lens, I realized I really was neglecting Vince’s needs. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to take their advice and see where it takes us. Which leads me to:
Date nights.
We don’t do date nights. I can’t tell you the last time Vince and I went out, just us, and did something together. Any plans made include our kids. Hell, our kids come with us on our anniversary if we go anywhere or do anything because they were there when we got married and they were there on our honeymoon. Why should our anniversary be different?
But maybe it shouldn’t ALWAYS be that way. The class says that date nights are important if you can make them work with your life. I’ve heard this before…but it was from Rachel Hollis and her then husband, Dave. They had this whole conference series and podcast on love and relationships. I didn’t listen to it, but I did read her book, “Girl, Wash Your Face” where she went on and on about how important it is to put your partner first and that date nights were non-negotiable in their household. They had weekly date nights no matter what. But then guess what? These two got divorced soooooo who knows more about keeping a relationship together? Me or them?
Exactly.
Hearing this advice again in our class made it stick a little more. Maybe we should try date nights. Not every week, but maybe once a month. It wouldn’t hurt and it would give us a chance to try some activities in our area that we haven’t been able to get to because they aren’t for kids.
We did a date night
Despite protests from Scarlett (she didn’t want us to leave and said “I love you and don’t die” at least 3 times before we walked out the door), we left for our first inaugural date night. It included dinner and axe throwing. Vince channeled his Viking heritage and honestly impressed me with his skills. It’s kind of disgusting how he can just excel at sport shit without even trying. He beat me at every game we played, and I managed not to injure myself or anyone around us. A win!
We talked (and not just about the kids), made fun of each other, got a free glass of wine at dinner, and overall, just had a nice time.
Don’t need date nights, but…
After we got home that night and I was getting ready to lay down to go to bed, I thought to myself that we don’t need date nights…. but the date night did help me remember that deep down, Vince and I have a connection that is unique. I don’t want to say we’re soul mates because that’s not right.
But there’s just…. something there. Not soul mates, but some string of permanence and realness that connects us. We fight, yell, bicker, disagree about so many things, and get on each other’s mother fucking nerves. But when you strip it all down, we are two beings of energy that gravitate towards one another despite our differences. Something is there that connects us together.
You can’t put the same sides of a magnet together – you need the opposite ends to connect. That’s kind of like us. Opposite ends that are pulled together because that’s just the way the universe intends it to be.
We don’t need date nights. We can keep this connection without them. But date nights are good when we can fit them in. They will be negotiable. Sorry Rachel and Dave Hollis. Life happens, kids need us, and we aren’t going anywhere. If a date night needs to be rescheduled, it can be. But our first inaugural date night was a success. It gave us memories, a good dinner, a fun new experience, and most importantly it reminded me of why I fell in love with this fucking asshole some twenty years ago.
Love you two !!! Great read ❤️❤️
It was a great night. My “Little peach 🍑, Kissy 💋 Poo!” Plus I look amazing throwing an ax!