sounds like asshole to me

For the past two months or so, I have been getting up before dawn to record audio files of all my old blog posts. This has taken me hours. I don’t even know how many. But as of this week, I am finally done! I can’t express how rewarding it feels to check something of this size and scale off my to-do list. Especially when it’s not something I love to do. 

Like most people, except my husband, I don’t really enjoy hearing myself speak. My voice always sounds like a 5-year-old to me. So, hearing me say dickface, fuck, titties and all the other crass words I use in my writing sounds super awkward. But I did it anyways because people don’t always have time to read, and I thought having these audio recordings would be a great idea.

Last week as I was nearing completion of recording my older posts, my husband Vince must have listened to one and decided to give me some unsolicited feedback. In true Vince fashion, he did not filter his words. He did not attempt to choose his sentences carefully to avoid hurting my feelings. Nope. He just ripped the fucking band-aid off and said bluntly what he was thinking.

His “constructive” criticism to me was as follows:

I don’t think I like the way you read your posts. It sounds like you are reading to a kindergarten class. Like you were reading one of your children’ books or something.”

My immediate reaction to this was sheer irritation. What the fuck?! Ok, ass. I am nearing the end of my recordings at this point. Literally that morning I just recorded episode 153 out of 187 and you are giving me this feedback now?! I am not going back and re-recording shit. I’ve just wasted hours upon hours of my life. If these audio files aren’t enjoyable for people to listen to in lieu of reading what I wrote with their eyeballs, why the fuck am I doing it?

His initial criticism pissed me off. I didn’t ask for his opinion, but he gave it to me anyways and I wanted to stay angry. But then I reminded myself that he wants me to succeed. He’s my biggest cheerleader….even though he is also always a huge asshole. I reminded myself that Vince is just saying these things to try and help me. His delivery needs work, that’s for sure. But I know after being with him this long that he doesn’t have a filter. He doesn’t think before he says things. Like “hmmm, how can I phrase this constructive criticism in the best way to help the woman I love and not piss her off?”

Nope that doesn’t go through his head. Words just seem to form in his brain and shoot right out the mouth. So, basically everything he says is in asshole dialect and I have to interpret the core meaning out of what dickish things he says.

As I rolled over his words for days after he said them, I think I understand what advice he was trying to give. I need to be more conversational and think about who’s hopefully listening to these audio files. It’s hard to shift gears because pretty much any out loud reading I have done in the past 20 years of my life has been actual children’s books. My voice is used to that inflection, pacing, tone, etc. I need to remember I am not reading to kids, which really shouldn’t be hard when talking about vasectomies and handies, but habits are apparently hard to break.

I will take his asshole-delivered acting note though and keep it in the back of my mind as I move forward. Hopefully this one didn’t sound like I was reading you Goodnight, Moon or anything.