Locked Door
Warning, my little chickens. This content might not be suitable for your virgin eyes.
On October 19th, my husband Vince had a vasectomy. Despite this being a personal event, I of course shared this with flourish on my Facebook page. For a few reasons:
1. It’s real life. Men get this done and don’t let others know about it. It’s a secret surgery for most. Why stigmatize or hide it? Just because you are shooting blanks, that doesn’t make you any less of a man.
2. Vince doesn’t care that I shared it. He likes to “bust my balls” about it, but in truth, he loves the attention. He is, after all, an attention whore. And I say that with all the love.
3. It’s funny. Anything pertaining to balls is. Sorry. I may be over 40 and some might see this as vulgar and immature, but sometimes I’m vulgar and immature. I’m not for everyone and that’s ok.
So, if you go back in time on my Facebook page for this blog, you will see his vasectomy documented over the course of a few days. This post isn’t going to recapture any of that. This post is about the post op instructions and the lead up to the efficacy test that is slated to occur the week of January 8th, 2024. Efficacy test is just a fancy way of saying he needs to ejaculate in a medicine tube and bring it to doc’s office to make sure his swimmers aren’t carrying any baby making juice.
At this point in time, it’s been about 2 months since his vasectomy. He feels back to normal now, but for the 3 or so weeks following the procedure, he was sore. He literally had blue balls from bruising and hurt pretty bad. I felt somewhat guilty to have inflicted this pain on him, but we had to cut off the source. It was time. 4 kids is my limit.
My point in sharing his soreness it to give a sense of timeline here. So, let’s put us at November 2nd, 2023. I’m going to use this as a start date though I’m not 100% that’s when bow-chicka-wow-wow action kicked back in.
Why Dates Matter
I’m chronicling dates because, last week, the week of December 4th, Vince decided to re-read his post op instructions to see if there was anything he needed to do in prep for his efficacy test in January. And guess what he found? By the time of his test in January, he should have cleared the pipes at least 20 times.
20. Fucking. Times.
He told me this last week. So from October 19th to January 8th, we should have done it 20 times. I say “done it” because Vince will not take care of himself, if you know what I mean. Just won’t. Yet he gets all pent up and frustrated if it doesn’t happen every day. Yeah, every day. While it may be feasible to do this for some, for me, with 4 kids – 2 of whom sleep in your bed – this becomes challenging. So, the 20 times target in the span of 12 weeks is a lofty goal. That’s way more than the 1x week we typically average. Then, let’s compound that 20 times goal into a shorter time frame due to healing.
Sweet baby Jesus. This cannot happen. Last week, when he told me, we were at maybe….5? 5 times. That’s it. There’s literally no way from now and then that we can fit in enough sessions to hit the 20 goal. I can give it the old college try but unless we leave the kids and go on vacation without them for 2 weeks, the best we will likely do is 13. And that’s ambitious.
Does It Matter?
At first, I thought he was making this all up to increase his chances of getting lucky this holiday season. I get way more distracted and busy this time of year so I thought this might be a ploy to get more action. He assured me this wasn’t the case, but of course I had to google it to be sure.
Damn. That’s insane.
I’m all for dreaming the impossible dream, but this just isn’t going to happen. I am, instead, going to rely on the exact wording of the requirement I saw on the health site. Notice the use of at least. So that means he can test after 12 weeks and still be fine right? As long as we hit the 20 goal and it’s at least been 12 weeks, we should be fine to test. Taking this into account, I’d say Vince could go get a test sometime in March, lol. Just kidding babe… Okay maybe not.