she got graped

My 13-year-old is addicted to green grapes. While the rest of her age bracket is vaping and having sex, my daughter Scarlett is happy OD’ing on nature’s candy. I am deeply grateful for this. Or should I say “grapeful”. Bwahahahaha.

Anyways, when she got home from school the other day, she discovered that her supply had just been replenished by the grocery fairy. She grabbed the goods out of the fridge like a coke addict snatching a dime bag from their dealer and rushed to the dining room table to get her next fix.

Scar sat there for about 20 minutes. Mindless popping the orbs into her mouth and watching 22 Jump Street on her phone. She was in ecstasy. Life couldn’t be better.

Enter her 4-year-old sister, Evie.

Hawk-eyed, she spied Scarlett with her stash at the table. Plus, it’s kind of hard to hide eating grapes when every dip in the bag produces a tell-tale crinkle sound. Evie rushed over to the table and demanded with her supreme authority that Scarlett stop eating all the grapes. The third child has to be scrappy, or else they might not survive. And Evie was right to demand that her sister stop stuffing her face. The bag I had just purchased now had a few measly globes left. Scarlett had consumed almost the entire bag in one sitting. This happens all the time. Addicts can’t stop themselves.

But either she was not yet satisfied, or she was just looking to irritate her little sister (likely both) because Scarlett refused to hand over the remaining grapes to her almost decade younger sister. Why do sisters like to irritate each other so much? Can’t we just show kindness? This consistent behavior of teasing does irritate me HOWEVER without it, I wouldn’t have been blessed with the event that happened next.

The grape

Non-deterred, Evie continued to demand the remaining grapes. Scarlett refused. This escalated somehow into Scarlett being pulled to her back and laying on the chair, feet behind her head as Evie pulls at all parts of Scarlett’s body like a frenzied piranha attack, trying to grab the produce bag all while screaming “stop eating them all!”

Mid-attack, Scarlett started screaming “GRAPE! GRAPE! I’M BEING GRAPED“. Good God this is classic Curtin life right here. My 2 daughters fighting over 7 tiny berries and my teenager screaming that she does not give consent.

I love it. This is why I had kids. This is entertaining.

It gets better though.
Evie is relentless in her grape of Scarlett. Somehow, during the preschooler attack, Scar became unbalanced and does a backflip off the chair, overtop of Evie, and onto the kitchen floor. Like Simone Biles dismounting off the beam. It was beautiful. It was hilarious.

The “grape” of Scarlett lasted for about 5 minutes. Despite all the pushing, pulling, and acrobatics, no one got hurt. This was in itself a surprise and made this event even more entertaining to watch.

Evie won, if you couldn’t have guessed it. Evie usually wins. It’s the beauty of her life. I don’t think grapes ever tasted so good to her than they did after she physically assaulted her sister for them. Success feels sweeter when you work for it, right?