A lot of people think I am exaggerating, or merely joking, when I talk about how unreal Scarlett can be. Between her difficulty getting dressed, inability or unwillingness to follow rules or hygiene, to her #shitscarlettsays hash tag because since she was little, she’s been known to throw out zingers. I have to be making this shit up, right?
Really, a child cannot be that extreme….right?
Wrong. If you have a second child, you might have experienced this type of lunacy. Or, maybe I just got lucky and Scarlett is one of a kind.
Case in point. Here’s a series of events that occurred in one night, just 3 hours, with Scarlett.
In a literal span of 3 hours.
We were getting ready to go to our neighbor’s house to watch Bachelor in Paradise (because I am such a model mom and have strict guidelines for my children. I know, I know. It’s not a good show for kids. But they love the people on it and find it riveting. If anything, these people give me teachable moments for the girls to show them how NOT to behave.)
Prior to leaving the house, I made the girls get fully ready for bed and pick out their outfits for the next day of school. If you’ve read this post, you know what is happening next. Scarlett cannot choose what to wear. This shirt is too long (she just got it), this shirt feels cold on her belly (she just got it), this shirt is a tank top (she just got it), and she feels like she has man shoulders.
Man shoulders?!
Well Scar, maybe you should lay back on the sugar. Ok, so I’m not evil, but I make the girls do push-ups for sugar. It’s supposed to deter them from eating it. Like, oh you want that ice cream? Well you are going to have to do 50 push ups. Most kids would say, nah – not worth it.
Scarlett?
Well, let’s just say she can bang out 50 push ups without breaking a sweat. And she will do them anywhere. Hence, the “man shoulders.” This girl is a brick shit house. I wish I had arms like her.
20 minutes of freaking out ensues. She’s crying and angry. I walk away saying I’m not dealing with it and, if she wants to go over to watch the show, she needs to figure it out.
Crying…crying…sniffling….
“Mommy, come here. I’m calm now.”
I walk in her room and she flings herself on me, giving me the hardest, strongest hug. Mr. Hyde has left us folks and we now have Scarlett back. She’s laughing…she picks out her outfit. End scene.
Hour 1 = Complete
We go to my neighbor’s house. Kids are getting settled in. Scarlett brings over 2 blankets, a pillow, her stuffed animal, a can of Pringles, and a banana. Because we are fucking camping I guess?
Seriously we went right next door. I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised though. Take a look at all the crap she brought to a high school football game:
She getting herself situated on the couch. Must of hit herself in the eye with something. She says “ow-a” and then asks my neighbor for an “ass pack.”
Ahhhhh, come again? Ohhhh, she means ICE PACK not ass pack. At this point in her life, I really don’t know if she’s doing it on purpose and saying ass pack just because she can play it off and say she meant ice pack.
She fucks with my mind like that.
After she gets her ass ice pack, we resume watching the show. She gets out her banana, eats it, and leaves the peel on the arm of the leather couch. Sweet baby Jesus. I may let my kid watch borderline smut on TV but I’ll be damned if she leaves a banana peel lying on the couch.
I tell her to throw it away. Scarlett proceeds to pick it up….and throw it. Lands smack on the couch.Â
Temper…..temper….
I of course call her an ass in the way I do as a mom (with love and irritation) and tell her to pick it up,
get up, and throw it in the garbage.
Hour 2 = Complete
We are mid-way through the show. I’m half way through my wine so details start to get fuzzy. We are watching, commenting on all the crazy. Giving advice like “and this is why you need to communicate with the person you like” or “you aren’t dating until you’re 26”. Hannah G hooks up with Blake which, if you watch the show, is a face-palm moment.
WTH Hannah? He had one night stands with 2 other girls on the show. How can you choose Blake over Dylan?
Scarlett’s response? “Jesus Christ.”
Ok, I say a lot of inappropriate things but I’ll be damned if I’ve said that in front of my kids. In fact, you’d be surprised to find out that I really don’t curse in front of them. Ass is probably the worst word I use consistently. Instead, I use placeholders like “fudge nuggets” or “mother lover.” I really try not to swear. Vince, well…that’s another story.
So the JC comment threw me. Not that it’s cursing per-say but, for me, it’s not cool. Plus, it doesn’t help that my neighbor is what you would call religious-ish. I’m actually surprised she allows my kids to hang with hers. And, when Scarlett said “Jesus Christ” my heart cringed a little and thought for fuck sake, Scarlett. Don’t say that here.
Moving along. Night’s almost over. My neighbor has DVR and she begins to fast-forward through another commercial break.
The room is silent…..
*pfffffffttttttt*
We all look at Scarlett. Oh yes. She farts. Right as soon as my neighbor hits the fast forward button and the room becomes silent. I think she thought it was ok to try and sneak one out because, just a second before, it was loud and Jordan, the newly appointed major of Paradise, was bitching about Blake being a whore.
Next thing you know, Scarlett breaks wind.
It smells like broccoli even though the last green thing she ate was a Sour Patch Kid on Saturday. We went to see Dora. I loaded my purse up with candy from Wal-Mart before the show. Because that’s what all Americans do, right?
Luckily, my neighbor’s cool. She doesn’t give a shit so far about anything Scarlett has done. I couldn’t be friends with people that would be appalled by this type of behavior because obviously this is not uncommon when it comes to Scar.
And, I do try. It’s nature vs. nurture and nature is winning.
The show is coming to a close. We get up and go home. As we lay down for the night, Scarlett snuggles in to me, gives me a great big hug, and says “I love you so much, Mommy.”
Hour 3 = Complete
My Scarlett. I can’t help but love you. You have my heart even though you always mess with my mind. And that is why I drink.
Omg this was too funny!!! ???
Yes, Scarlett does have her moments, I’ve been there for a few, actually several. Thank God those Sweet Moments that she has makes up for those. I wouldn’t want you any other way Scarlett Jo, TT and Pappy Love You Sooooooo Much!!! Stay strong Krissy, you’re doing a great job!!!♡