There has been a consistent pattern this year where my 16-year-old daughter asks me to stay home or go in late to school. I’m sure this is not an uncommon thing for any parent with a child in high school. She loves sleep more than anything. I’m not setting out to raise a slacker. Nor do I want her to turn into a bear in perpetual hibernation. But when Gianna asks me to go in late or stay home from school, I do often relent because her rationale is quite solid.
Her why’s
Staying home, she can get work done while being here and help me out with my almost 3-year-old daughter, Evie. Gianna dangles this carrot in front of me a lot and it’s so hard not to snatch it up every time. Even though real carrots are disgusting, this carrot is SOOO enticing. Like a slice of burnt almond torte from Prantl’s Bakery in Pittsburgh. How glorious to have help! How magnificent to tag her in whenever I need in 30–60-minute increments when I have work meetings or obligations! Plus, Evie just loves her GG. It’s a win, win, win situation.
Gianna’s additional excuses or back up arguments for missing school are equally valid. She is currently getting good grades and always has. She doesn’t ever struggle in school, and she takes advanced classes. Plus, I’ve also made the choice of talking to her openly about how ridiculous I think the school system is. As a whole, the curriculum and focus of their education is such a waste. 90% of what she’s learning right now will be useless in her adult life. Please tell me who uses the formula for photosynthesis? Who has pulled out a piece of paper and pencil to work out a long division math problem? There are so many important things to learn, but they unfortunately aren’t taught in school.
So, when asked to stay home or go in late, I often fold. Aside from the 4 mental health days I give them each year, I allow her additional absences and tardiness probably more than I should. Just last week, she asked me again to go in tardy the next day. She had just gone in late the week prior, so I started to get a little frustrated. A voice inside me whispers “you aren’t being a good parent, Kris. What are you teaching her by consistently allowing this behavior?”
I told her this. To which, she replied with all the usual arguments of grades, useless knowledge, and glorious sleep and then also said “Mom, you don’t have to teach me anymore. You’ve done a good job. I’m done brewing.”
I laughed and said she couldn’t even support herself yet because she doesn’t have a job or a way to make herself money. The conversation moved on. The next day came, and she ended up going to school on time….at least according to my memory now a week later.
Days flow into one another sometimes.
Done brewing
I thought about that comment for a while after we spoke though. While I absolutely love her analogy, I don’t love her mindset. I need her to understand that you are never “done brewing”. Ever. At least, you shouldn’t be. If I remained the person I was at 16, with the same knowledge and mindset, I’d be a pushover, people-pleaser, narrow-minded woman right now with no kids. I wouldn’t have the life I have today. I wouldn’t have the goals or self-awareness that I do now. I think of how much I thought I knew then, and in my 20s and 30s for that matter, and how little it really was.
We should never be done brewing. To change your life and make your world what you want it to be, you can never stop learning or changing who you are. Especially now with the internet. There is so much out there. So many lessons. So many ways to make a wonderful living. So much to learn about how, why, and who we are.
My child. You are not done brewing. My time teaching you life lessons and how to be a functional, wonderful human are not done. You are like a cheap no-name 3-gallon size coffee maker that takes all morning to brew, not a Starbucks Espresso machine.
Don’t ever be done brewing.
For me, her understanding this is way more important than how to calculate the area of a rhombus or who won the War of 1812. She does need to understand the importance of responsibility, commitment, how to persevere, communicate with different personalities, and collaborate. I think school teaches us this, at least. But the mindset of growth is like learning the alphabet in preschool. It’s a foundation. If it was only up to me, you could miss 80 days of school a year if you’d only learn and live that lesson now.