I haven’t written a blog post in some time. I’ve been distracted with other life things. Which is ok, I guess. But I do feel like my mind has been pulled into too many different directions and that I’ve been doing things that really aren’t my jam. Like fuuuucccckkkkking taxes. I keep swearing every year that this is the last year I’m doing our taxes. But then, every year, April sneaks up on me and I find myself in TurboTax again.
Taxes aside, what’s really been keeping me busy in the free time I manage to eek out when my two youngest are still sleeping are my children’s books and associated quest to become a published author. I don’t think I’ve written about this yet here because I kind of see these two pursuits as separate. The “me” that writes children’s stories shouldn’t be the same “me” that talks about vasectomies, pubic hygiene, and what not. Right?!
But, for the past few years, I’ve written a handful of children’s stories – only one of them inappropriate – and have been trying to find a literary agent to represent me so I can get published.
The process to get traditionally published is horrible. Agents are very selective and get tons of requests for representation. I truly feel that if you aren’t a celebrity of some sorts, it’s basically impossible to get traditionally published anymore. Which dumbfounds me because I have read some really shitty children’s books in my time as a mother. I can’t understand how some of these things get published.
Not that my stories are literary works of gold. I’m not going to say they are epic or even timeless in any way. No Goodnight Moon here. But I do think my stories are enjoyable and families wouldn’t mind reading them to their kids. The fact that I’ve been unsuccessful thus far in finding an agent or getting published started off being disheartening but, after numerous queries and days gone by, I just started getting pissed off.
I didn’t have to try and get an agent. I could just self-publish, something I did with one children’s book years ago. But I wasn’t really happy with those results. Mainly because of the illustrations. Back then, I used a company called Xlibris to publish my book. They charged me a hefty fee and gave me an illustrator that was very meh. In children’s books, illustrations are soooo important and I can’t draw. Thanks for that irony, God. Why must you smite me!!!!??? JK, I’m grateful for everything in my life. It all has a reason. In the end, I was not satisfied with the illustrations in this book, so I didn’t really promote it to the masses. This is evident by the 62 copies of the book I had to buy as inventory and that have been sitting in my hall closet for years.
So, I didn’t go the self-publishing route at first because I didn’t want to hate my illustrations again. And, honestly, I wanted the ego-boost of having a story published traditionally. I thought I would be more proud of myself somehow. Like having them choose to represent me meant I was a legitimate writer.
In true me fashion, however, about 3 months ago, I said piss on that. I was tired of sending out emails begging an agent to pick me. I was tired of wasting my time trying to convince them that my story was worth it. Plus, I finally stumbled upon a solution to my shitty drawing skills that were preventing me from illustrating my stories myself. The answer was Artificial Intelligence.
If you don’t know what AI is, it’s basically the fact that we gave computers brains. Brains that can be asked questions, give results, and learn from their mistakes. Think the movie I, Robot but without the doom….yet. Bwhahahahahahha. Seriously though. That could happen. But for now, we get to use AI to make our lives much easier.
While my older kids are using AI to do their homework, I decided to use AI to help me illustrate my book. And, though it was time consuming, it was a better use of my limited time than writing glorified love letters to literary agents.
So far, I’ve illustrated 2 of my books, self-published one (you can buy copies!!), made an author website, created a YouTube channel that shows my progress, and had 1 paid speaking gig at a Read Across America event. That’s in less than 3 months! I’d call that mf-ing progress, folks. And this is butt loads better than my waste of time trying to get an agent.
Honestly, I think I am done trying to get traditionally published. I don’t like begging people to believe in me. I want someone to pursue me. So, for now, I’ll self-publish my stuff until the day I become famous enough that an agent reaches out and sends me a damn love letter.
