There are probably a million good things about having just one child. I can say this confidently because I have 3 kids. Jokes aside, all 3 of my girls are wonderful humans that I cannot imagine life without. However, there are definitely A LOT of positives about sticking to just one offspring. Such as the fact that you never have to worry about keeping the playing field even.
You don’t have to count the number of Christmas presents and ensure they are equal. You don’t have to constantly try to split your time and attention between more than one child. With just one child, you can buy all the things – your only worries being that you might spoil your kid or go poor. Your attention can circle them like the planet does the sun because you don’t have to worry about playing favorites. They are your favorite.
But when you procreate more than once, I think it’s inevitable that you will worry about making things equal.
My second child always seems to come first
With all that said, I will admit that my second child, Scarlett, somehow manages to get a little bit extra. Not because I am playing favorites. I love my girls equally, just differently. However, like plants, some kids just need more water and sunlight to thrive. Since the day Scarlett was born, she demanded our love and attention. Required it. She is like that high maintenance semi-tropical flower you buy that needs just the perfect amount of fertilizer, sunlight, and 20 drops of water to survive.
Gianna, on the other hand, is like a succulent plant. I can water her once or twice a week and make sure the blinds are open to let a bit of sunlight in and she is happy. She was always like that. Gianna was an only child for 4 years of her life, though. During this time, she had our undivided attention. There wasn’t anyone else to take it from her. Our worlds basically revolved around Gianna’s needs and wants. She never had to compete…she was numero uno.
Then along came Scarlett and things quickly changed.
Some kids just need more
Since she was a baby, Scarlett was never able to self-soothe. You couldn’t let her cry it out because that child would scream for hours. She required me to help her calm down. Even now, when she loses her shit, she needs me to talk her through it…to tell her to breathe in slowly or for me to give her a hug. We are working on getting her the tools she needs to help her work through her emotions and thoughts on her own – because I won’t be here forever. But since the day she was born, Scarlett was an emotionally needy child.
I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s just the way she is. Scarlett has always needed more from us than Gianna in terms of attention, reassurance, compliments, and affection. Gianna, bless her heart, has never seemed to mind that she had a sibling who was now sucking all the time and attention away from her. I like to think it was because she was confident in our love. Did we saturate her so deeply with love, attention, and a room full of Dora toys during those first 4 years of her life that her roots grew deep and she didn’t need to worry about getting water so often?
I don’t know. I can’t go back and ask Gianna. I don’t recall her ever having issues adjusting to being a big sister or ever really being jealous of Scarlett and saying things aren’t fair. But it could be because my memory is shit and I am remembering a rosey-colored version of life.
Give me, give me, more.
Along with generally needing more love and affection because it fuels her, Scarlett is also so damn hard on herself. She is her worst critic and this tendency to beat herself down makes me try so hard to build her back up – yet again taking more of my attention.
When she makes a mistake, she verbally beats herself up. Calls herself stupid and everything. It breaks my heart to hear her knock herself down. It’s especially hard to handle when she does something she knows she shouldn’t – like bring slime upstairs and get it on the carpet. I reprimand her….and then she immediately puts her head down like a guilty dog and I know she is mentally abusing herself. I want to be firm and angry….but it’s hard.
I want her to have thicker skin. I don’t want her to break so easily. How do I punish her when she is constantly punishing herself?
Because Scarlett is so hard on herself, I inevitably end up trying to find ways to make her happy, giving her extra attention in the process. The scales are already tipped in her favor, but I want so much for her to smile and have a good day that I end up giving her even more.
Birthdays aren’t even
For example, we agreed to do low key birthday celebrations for their odd birthdays and only have bigger parties for their even birthdays. The intent was to give me less stress and save $. Yet, somehow for Scarlett’s 9th birthday, I ended up spending hundreds of $ on decorations and food. I had wanted this party to be low key. No decorations. Just cake and food and a few friends hanging out by our pool.
But Scarlett had started planning her birthday months in advance. She wrote out all her plans in her journal. At first, I shot down her grand plans and she looked crushed. Of course, I then felt really bad. I wanted her to be happy….so I caved.
After the party was over, I started over-analyzing things like I always do, and I began to feel guilty. Gianna’s 13th celebration was way less of an event than Scar’s party. Gianna had asked to have 3 friends sleep over one night…for no reason. It was near her birthday and, seeing the opportunity, I said sure – that could be her party. No decorations, no theme.
Shit, I don’t even remember if I ordered a cake. I think I did….
Now, after Scarlett’s party, I wonder….does she notice the difference? Does Gianna see that Scar got more? Does she care? I mean, teenagers are so emo and detached that it’s hard to tell. Plus, Gianna is pretty well-grounded, so I don’t know if she sees the difference in what she gets vs Scarlett.
Now there’s 3
Evie is getting older and the challenge of equality for all three girls is rising. It’s not so much trying to make things equal with stuff we buy. It’s about that precious resource called time. How do I split my time equally between all three girls so that they each feel valued, loved, and important? Even if they don’t all require the same amount of me?
Scarlett, of course, notices and comments on how much attention I give Evie over her. I know this is normal and I know I shouldn’t feel guilty because it’s obvious that a baby needs more of me than a 10 year old should. But part of being a parent is harboring guilt when you know full well you shouldn’t. I think it makes you a better parent. The guilt fuels you to do better.
I’m on this never-ending quest to divide everything in this world equally by three. Having one kid would be so much simpler, that’s for damn sure. I could do so much more. Give so much more because everything in life would be sent to one instead of divided by three.
But if I only had one, then I wouldn’t have the nights where Gianna and Scarlett play soccer in the living room together – laughing and pushing each other. Making up dances together or having sister sleepovers. I wouldn’t have the moments where I catch both of them smiling at Evie and looking at her like she is the most amazing thing on this planet. I wouldn’t have the sandwich hugs where I wrap up all three of my girls in my embrace or hear that truly magical sound of them all laughing together.
Yes, having one would be easier. But they do say that nothing good in life comes easy. And there is a whole hell of a lot of good with my three ladies so needless to say this ride will not be easy 🙂
I love the throwback pictures of Gianna and Scarlett. I can’t believe how much Evie looks like Scar in that one picture. Those pictures up to crack me up lol!!!! You guys do a great job with those girls Krissy, sometimes one needs a little more attention at times. Don’t you worry, if something bothers them and they don’t tell you then, they definitely will as an adult lol!!! You guys have such a great open relationship with them,I think they’ll talk to you about anything. Always keep that relationship, Love You!!!!!!?❤