mirror, mirror

Over the years, I’ve written about a slew of personal topics where I overanalyzed why I am who I am. My aversion to having too much crap around the house, the obsession with making birthday books for my daughters, my “why” behind my eating disorder, or the fact that I feel like a mediocre female based on society’s expectations.

Or the deeply spiritual post on why farting is embarrassing. Seriously, my mind has a lot of weirdness up in it.

Aside from all those riveting topics above, I’ve been wanting to write about my tendency to act like the people I’m around. How, if I hang out with you too long, I start to repeat back your mannerisms, say things in a way you would say them, behave somewhat like you would.

It’s like I’m a sponge. An annoying sponge- like that stupid ass yellow one that wears pants.

It’s not something overtly obvious. I don’t BECOME the other person. It’s more subtle. The inflection in the way someone says a word or the mindset they have (are you a negative person? I will be too). I think I’ve always been this way, but I was never aware that I was doing it until Vince pointed it out to me a few years back. He made a comment that I always tended to talk/act like whatever person I was around. Thank God I’ve never had friends with an accent or THAT would be comical.

Of course, I took this comment from him and let it fester around in my mind for a good decade. That’s what I do. For a long time, I was offended by this idea because I thought it meant I was weak. Like my personality wasn’t strong enough to hold its own. I thought it meant I was just being fake instead of being the “real me.” Whoever that was.

It’s like you’re my mirror

Because of this blog, I dug a bit deeper. I needed to stop letting this thought pop up in my head and allowing it to make me feel shitty. One way to gain power over something is to gain knowledge. So off to the internet I went!

Online searches uncovered that this isn’t a sign of weakness after all. What I have the habit of doing is called “mirroring.” Mirroring can be manipulative if done intentionally…. but often people mirror others to encourage agreement and harmony and to avoid the possibility of negative feelings.

Ding, ding, ding!

I am a sucker for avoiding negativity and I love it when people get along! Maybe that’s why I absorb someone’s personality and mannerisms through osmosis? Maybe my childhood caused me to be a sponge to other people’s personalities to avoid arguments? Arguments in my house often led to abuse.

Arguments were scary and to be avoided.

Drop ‘em like it’s hot

Partially, that’s probably why I do have this behavior and I’m not 100% sure it’s something I want to keep doing. Growing up and even now, I cycled through so many different friends because I didn’t like the “me” I became after being around them too long. The “me” I was wasn’t who I wanted to be necessarily.

When I was younger, I wanted more out of my life than what I was surrounded by. I had bigger plans. If I wanted to achieve my bigger plans, I had to surround myself with people I wanted to be like. My habit of mirroring people coupled with my desire to be MORE and do MORE with my life caused me to abandon friends often. I realized, even though I didn’t realize it consciously, that I needed to surround myself with people I wanted to be like because I literally started to become like them.

You lost a shitty friend

Looking back, I feel a teensy bit sad about my behavior. Only because I let go of some pretty kind, caring, and funny people. They were wonderful people. Just not the person I necessarily wanted to be.

I don’t think they are sitting in a corner crying about losing me as a friend though. I am a horrible friend. I suck with calling and making plans with me is like counting on the weather to be sunny every weekend. I care deeply about the people I’ve met in my life and will absolutely be there if I am ever needed…. but I’m not a “girl tribe, need to see you constantly, check in mimosas, let’s hang out” kind of friend.

Krissy – party of one

So I’ve been keeping to myself for the most part. I’ve been listening to inspiring people who hustle and achieve while I take my daily walk with Evie; surrounding myself virtually with the people who I would want to emulate. People like Glennon Doyle, Ed Mylett, Tony Robbins, and Rachel Hollis – to name a few. These people hustle and are inspiring. They have vision. Who they are is close to who I want to be. These are the people I need surrounding me. And since I don’t think Tony is waiting to chill with a 39 year old mom of 3, I need to rely on podcasts and YouTube videos for now.

I know who you are

Ultimately, I don’t think I can get away from mirroring people entirely. After all, it’s not a complete bad thing.

Now that I know why I do it, I don’t mind so much. It’s not that I don’t have my own personality or that I am weak. This is the way I have adapted to life. I can either view it as a weakness or as a strength. I can either use it to my personal advantage/growth or let it lead me down a road I really don’t want to travel.

This is one of the wonderful side effects of this blog. It prompts me to think deeper about myself. Something I might not have done if I didn’t create this life chronicle. Raising the Curtins has a been a blessing because it’s turned into my own personal form of therapy. I’ve come to understand pieces of myself so much more than I ever expected.

I hope, in turn, it might do the same for some of you. Help you at least question who you are, why you are who you are, and maybe help you grow into a better version of yourself. And then you can hang out with me:)