maybe i shouldn’t have bought an alligator

I haven’t really posted about Evie’s sleeping patterns lately. This is because I am deathly afraid to “jinx” myself. Not that I really believe that you can jinx something. I’m not superstitious at all. 

I open umbrellas wherever the hell I want. 

Logical me knows that talking about Evie’s sleeping habits won’t change them. However, crazy-ass me has been holding strong and not saying shit about the fact that my child is now sleeping through the night.

THERE! I SAID IT! LET THE SLEEPING GODS SMITE ME NOW!

*sike!!!! please don’t smite me. these past few weeks have been glorious. i’ve slept. i’ve dreamed. i feel almost human again.*

Now that I’ve tempted fate, I might as well give the details.

Never say never

Let’s go back in time to a few weeks ago. Normally, I would nurse Evie to sleep. Rocking her slowly and waiting for her to doze off. Then, about 20 minutes later, I would stealthily creep to her crib and try to gently lay her down without waking her. If she woke up, that meant I had to “nurse.rock.creep” again…adding another 20 minutes or more to the bedtime routine.

After successfully laying her down, she would sleep a random chunk of hours based on her mood. Could be 6 hours, could be 2, could be 3. It was a game of sleep roulette every night. F-U-N. 

Depending on when she woke, I would either nurse.rock.creep all over again or bring her in bed with me to nurse.snuggle.sleep. Problem was, neither option of nurse.rock.creep or nurse.snuggle.sleep really brought that much sleep. I felt like Evie was on my boob all night. She was restless and I was weary.

A few weeks ago, there were some really bad sleep nights where Evie was up entirely too much. I could tell she was tired, but her body wouldn’t slow down and get comfortable. I knew in my momma heart that something had to change.

So, I did what I said I would never do. I let her cry to sleep. Cry. To. Sleep. 

Let me just tell you that my heart about broke that first night. I stared at the monitor incessantly. I listened to every wail and saw every frustrated eye rub. During the 45 minute cry fest, I thought about going in at least 20 times. But then, I stopped myself because I knew that would have made all of those agonizing minutes pointless. I needed to let her get through this awful, heart wrenching night so we could get to the other side. The side where sleep happens.

The Other Side

That first night was truly brutal on my heart. I hated it. Every. Single. Second. I wish so hard that I didn’t have to do it. I wish that she would have just did it on her own. 

The next night….was somewhat better. Maybe 30 minutes of crying? I can’t recall clearly now. Now that I’m on the other side of sleep. After those few nights of agony, she’s sleeping so much better. I lay her down between 6-7pm and sometimes she will sleep until 7:00am….and sometimes she will sleep until 3:00am and want a mini-nursing session before laying down again. She’s still not consistent…but she’s sleeping. And I’m sleeping! And I have time in the evenings now to write, enjoy time with the older girls, watch movies, make mediocre dinners, whatever!

Some things haven’t changed. She still contact naps during the day and I nurse her to sleep at night. But now, instead of the nurse.rock.creep, I can actually LAY HER DOWN AWAKE. I snuggle her close, give her a big momma kiss on her soft baby cheek, and whisper good night. Then, I lean over her crib and lay her down next to her alligator (Mr. Alligator) who has become her bedtime buddy, and walk away. 

An Alligator Lovey

Mr. Alligator was the one and only “stuffed” animal I have ever intentionally purchased for ANY of my children. I fucking hate stuffed animals. Mr. Alligator, however, really isn’t a stuffed animal. He’s a warmie. He’s filled with lavender beads and when you throw him in the microwave, the beads heat up and smell relaxing. The heat and the smell are supposed to help kids sleep.

One day, months ago, I purchased this alligator off Amazon after reading 1,000 tips on how to lay your sleeping baby down without waking them up. The thought was the warmie would heat up the crib so when I laid her down, she wouldn’t wake up from the cold bed.

That never worked. Mr Alligator stayed in her bed, even though he didn’t serve any purpose.

However, after finally sleeping through the night and putting herself to sleep, Mr Alligator slowly has become Evie’s buddy. She gives him kisses on his mouth and snuggles him in her sleep. It’s truly adorable. She is becoming really attached. 

Happy as I am that she is falling asleep on her own, I do still feel a little pang of guilt that she now has a lovey. I used to be her lovey and I’ve been replaced. At least at night.