I haven’t really written too much about this up until now. But my oldest daughter Gianna has been in a serious relationship for some time. She’s been dating this boy for about a year, and they are quite sure that “this is it”.
This is a strange realm to be in for the first time as a parent. Having your baby slowly start to disappear into a relationship is extremely hard. It’s like you lose a part of them to that other person. She is still here and she’s still a wonderful daughter. She still wants to be around us and join us for family things. But it’s like part of her is not mine anymore. Not that I ever owned her or anything. But there’s a sense of loss there that I don’t know how to define.
On her end, I remember what it’s like. The relationship bit that is. I remember what it felt like to only ever want to be with that one person. Nothing else mattered. So, I try to be sensitive to this fact when it comes to Gianna’s relationship. I understand her side of things.
I understand, but that doesn’t mean I like it. I miss having all of my child here. I miss all of her being inside her – if that sentence makes any sense at all. She gave him a piece of her and now he has it. I don’t know how better to explain it. If you’ve experienced this as a parent, maybe you know what I mean.
I miss her and I also miss the time when I didn’t have to split holidays with another family. She has 2 Thanksgivings now. Let me tell you the irritation of being House #2 for the turkey day festivities. No one comes hungry. Why did I make all this damn food again? And then, I miss our core family time where our events were just us. Everything now includes him, or she at least wants it to.
Don’t get me wrong. I like her boyfriend. He is a sweet kid, and I know he loves my daughter. He gets along with everyone in our family. We enjoy having him around. It’s not that I wish that they weren’t together anymore. I just…. miss what was. It’s like I have to have this internal battle with myself all the time. One part of me wants to protect my core family of 6 and not let anyone else in. And another part of me wants to welcome change, love entirely that my daughter is happy, and openly accept that this is my future son-in-law.
But then my mind is like…. what if he’s not? Every photo we take with him in it I wonder…will this picture need photoshopped someday? Every event or holiday that he is a part of I wonder…. will him being here taint this memory someday?
Most recently, Gianna asked if her boyfriend could walk out with us for her senior soccer night. As they announce throughout the stadium her achievements and future plans, she was him to walk the 50-yard line as a part of her family. Ughhhh…why do you have to ask me this? I didn’t want to be put in the position to answer this question. It’s not that I don’t want to NOT include him. I just didn’t want to be asked because… isn’t that a family thing? Like a real, “family family” thing? People don’t have their boyfriends or girlfriends escort them out…. right?! Plus, technically he’s not family yet. But then my mind wonders….at what point does a boyfriend or girlfriend become family? When they marry? Is that the line?
That doesn’t feel right.
That doesn’t feel right because I know I became family to Vince’s family way before that point. Which is what makes my position now so damn hard. How can I even think about not including Gianna’s boyfriend when not too long after dating Vince, his family started including me on EVERYTHING. Most likely due to his requests and the fact that I didn’t really have a core family, but still. I had a stocking at their house for Christmas. I was at all the birthdays, vacations, and special events. I don’t think there was anything I wasn’t invited to. Well, actually I take that back. Vince took his ex-girlfriend to his aunt’s wedding instead of me because he promised her he would. God, why was I so fucking nice back then? I can’t believe I let that fly.
Anyways, point is, I was included. I felt like I was a part of the family even though me and Vince could break up at any time and my connection to them would be gone. This meant so much to me. To be a part of a family, especially when my family life was such a hot fucking mess.
So how can I NOT include Gianna’s boyfriend now when I was included back then? How can I NOT open our house and our family to him? It’s not that I don’t want to. Most times he is totally welcomed. Vacations, Christmas tree picking, holidays, movie nights, birthdays, you name it. He is there. He is welcomed. He actually even started a new tradition for us of beating the shit out of our gingerbread houses with a bat after the holidays. It’s quite fun and we wouldn’t have that without him.
There’s just some stuff that feel like family-only things to me and it’s not instinctual to just open those moments up. Senior Night feels like just a family thing…like a core, mom/dad/sister thing. Right? Am I wrong? I wouldn’t have felt wrong but then she asked me. I didn’t think I would have been asked to include him on that. I didn’t think I would have been put in the position to say yes or no because that would have been off limits. But she wants him there. She sees him as core family and senior night is an event she wants him at.
It’s just soooooo hard as a parent to transition to this and to know what boundaries to draw. This point in your child’s life where their family is not just you anymore.
Let’s add this to the list of things you don’t think about when you are cradling their head in your hand as a baby. You don’t think about juggling the boundaries of relationships and family dynamics. And that’s probably a good that you don’t think about that. Because you’d probably get overwhelmed at the magnitude that is parenting, have a breakdown, and give up before you even get started because this shit is hard.
🤬