Every parent seems excited about the time when their kids will finally be ready to potty train. You envision the days of not wiping spattered, smushed shit off their asses and, if you cloth diaper like me, you long for the days of not washing and stuffing diapers constantly.
But I’m over here now, potty training Marina because she showed signs of readiness even though she’s not quite yet 2, and I’m really questioning my decision to start. I forgot how inconvenient this shit is. Potty training your kid is quite possibly the worst transition a parent has to go through.
I’m saying it’s potty training. Sure, it’s great that you don’t have to worry about wiping smushed crap off your kid’s butt. But one might forget what the early stages of potty training are like. One does. Because I did. Or else I might have delayed this decision to introduce the porcelain throne to my 4th daughter.
When Shit is Convenient
At home, it’s easy peasy. You can let them run around naked and – anytime they say “potty” – you run them to the bathroom. They do #1 or #2 and you clap and cheer them on (which then leads them to do the same for you. No one is more excited during the day when I take a crap than Marina. “Yay, mommy poopy!!” she will say now, as she peaks in the open space behind my butt to look into the toilet bowl. As an adult, you don’t think anyone is going to cheer for you when you take a shit anymore. But…. it’s actually quite uplifting.)
When Shit is Inconvenient
Anyways, point is, if you stay hermits – potty training is simple. Leaving your house is when things get dicey. Like car rides. Potty training seems like the worst idea when you place that diaper less butt into a car seat and buckle up. Now you have travel toilets and side of the road stops so they can take a dump. Driving down the highway and hearing “poopy” from the backseat is terrifying. Hauling ass (literally) to the next rest stop or off ramp so you can find a restroom before your commando kid loses control. Rushing to the toilet like the McCallister’s running through the airport in Home Alone, stressed you’re going to be pulling down a fully loaded pair of underpants if you don’t make it to the bathroom in time.
Like….why did I do this to myself? Why didn’t I prolong this milestone for as long as I possibly could? This is really inconvenient. It’s super nice to just be able to let them let loose in their pants and deal with that shit when you have time. Sure – I’m looking forward to the diaper-free days. But right now, I’m just dealing with speed runs to the toilet and the true inconvenience of potty training. You would have thought after doing this with 3 other kids, I would have remembered. But no, I didn’t. Marina seemed ready so we began this hectic dance of potty training.
Curse you, mom brain. You failed me again. Why did you repress this experience? Why didn’t you hold on to this fact in your brain and recall it immediately before deciding to start potty training now.
If you’re reading this and your kid is still in diapers, do yourself a solid and just ride that shit out for as long as you can. Potty-training is super inconvenient.
I realized after writing this that my last post was about Evie peeing the bed. This just goes to show you how much of motherhood involves other people’s bowel movements. I don’t know about you, but in my house, poop and pee are my realm. My husband is one of those people that act like they’re going to barf when they smell outshoots from someone else’s body. I think these people are just pretending so that they don’t have to deal with shit or vomit. Well played.
He has bucked up and begun handling the ass-wiping and diaper cleaning. But for quite some time, I would get called to the bathroom after someone did a #2 to clean up like I was the only one in the house with hands.
Anyways, this post was prompted obviously by my current potty-training extravaganza with Marina. She is doing great, but this is so much stress and work. To top it off, we are leaving for our cruise the day I write this and I’m stressing myself out about her ability to hold it in public. I don’t want her to be the kid that shits herself while standing in line for the buffet. I’m going to have her wear underwear though. I don’t want to send mixed messages to her now because she’s doing really good.
I just gotta ride this out. Silver-lining, though. I’m definitely getting my steps in every day during my toilet runs and her bum does look super cute in underwear as I chase her to the potty.