Growing up, I didn’t want to be a mom and I definitely didn’t want kids…ever. I think deep down it’s a combination of a few things.
First, because I didn’t have a solid mom figure. I didn’t have a good grasp of what a mom really was. It’s not totally my mom’s fault. She had a mental disorder that prevented her from really being a decent parent to me. Bipolar disorder is no joke.
I only lived with my mom until I was 8 and, up to that point, I can’t recall too many instances where my mom actually “mothered” me. She did put my hair in sponge rollers sometimes. I remember that. The agony of sleeping on them. I looked like Shirley Temple though so that was cool.
My mom’s inability to be a good mom was the foundation for me not ever wanting kids. And, then there was the thought of having the same mental illness as my mother. It’s genetic. My mom’s mom had it. My mom had it. I could have grown up and it reared its presence in my 20’s. I could pass it on.
Bipolar aside, the thought of little me’s running around sounded really awful back then in my teenage-angst-hate-myself-years.
How could I ever bring another person into this world like me? Why would I do that to the world? I am so awful and no one would miss me.
Why do teenagers hate themselves so much? Why is it so damn hard to be that age and see what wonderful potential you have ahead of you? Why does everything seem so bleak? I totally get “13 Reasons Why“.
Last but not least, I really don’t like kids or babies. Hold off on your gasp, judgey face.
First off – let’s all be honest with each other. Not all babies are cute. Some are really frigging ugly. That sounds harsh, I know. I’ve seen my fair share of babies that are not adorable and I hate feeling forced to say things I don’t mean. You know what I am talking about. That need to say “awe, he’s so cute!” when in reality that baby looks like Benjamin Button.
Babies are supposed to be cute so you have that innate desire to care for and protect them. I don’t want to sound superficial at all and make it seem like I only like cute kids. But, babies are like a virus that lives outside of you – sucking away life. They make it OK to do that because they are supposed to be cute…right? With big needy eyes like a seal and chubby cheeks like a squirrel with a good harvest.
I’m sorry. I just don’t have that deep-seated mommy gene that goes nuts over babies. I will never go up to a stranger to ask to see their baby, but you’ll be damn sure I’ll cross a room full of strangers to pet a puppy. I will talk to that puppy like it’s a baby and squish it so hard.
I LOVE PUPPIES!
But, not kids. Kids generally suck. They are little assholes with attitudes and no regard for personal space or general rules of society. They think the world centers around them. They leech you of money and are never satisfied. They think they know everything but their world is so small. And you can’t hit them or reprimand them unless they are yours.
Do you see the issues I have here?
To recap, mental disorder genetics, a mom without the ability to be a mom, personal hate, and unfounded dislike for children were all ingredients to why I never wanted kids. Seems like an airtight case right? But, here’s the other thing. I also kept a log of names in my diary of what I would name my kids. Like rows of names and categorized by boy and girl. I seriously love naming things. I would have babies now just to name them. I am a confusing person – I realize that.
Spoiler alert, I became a mom. It wasn’t on purpose. It came at the worst time in my relationship. We had drifted apart because I wasn’t focused on being a girlfriend anymore. I had a new job and a puppy (hello, puppy!!!) and wasn’t giving any attention to Vince. We were at a really bad place when I found out I was pregnant. I felt like I was almost being punished at first. Why was this happening to me? The odds should not have been in my favor. I had only been off the pill for about a month (they were affecting my emotions and I was going to get on a different dose). I am all weird about my mind and it getting out of control (because of the mental disorder thing mentioned above).
I had only ‘done it’ 1x with Vince without precautions back then and that ONE TIME was enough. Then, it seemed like I was cursed……And then, Gianna greeted the world.
I don’t think it was immediate love for me when I first saw her. I don’t remember having that instant gooey un-tethered love. But, it happened. When? I can’t honestly recall. Maybe after feeling the smoothness of her baby cheek. Maybe after nursing and holding her as she slept and I realized all she needed was me to survive. In that need……I BECAME a mom.
The love. The desire to protect. The desire to give this little human all the mommying I never had. The willingness to sacrifice everything for that little leech and not caring one bit. The willingness to stand over a crib for an hour as that little human held my finger so she could fall asleep. My arm falling asleep….the inner monologue as I strategized how to remove my finger without waking her.
Just squish my heart.
The title Mom has shaped me as it’s shaped so many other people in this world. People, who like me, didn’t want to be a mom until they became one. I’m a person I don’t think I would have become without having my girls. And it’s just an added bonus that they so far seem generally mentally sound.
And, bonus, they both don’t really suck. Really, they are pretty awesome. 9 out of 10 people that meet them agree. Yes, they are assholes. But, they are my assholes and I love them to the depths of my soul. They are my why for everything and I can’t imagine not being their mom. It’s what I do and I am the best damn mom to them….even if I never wanted to be.
***A caveat to this post***
I comment frequently that I hate kids and kids suck. This is a broad statement that does not reflect my view on all kids – especially yours. Your kids are awesome. It’s everyone else’s that sucks. So don’t get offended and call me a horrible person on social media. And maybe don’t ask me to babysit 🙂
Fantastic stuff!
Krissy!!!
Umm this is how I am exactly I totally get how you feel! Like with the whole baby thing an also the puppy thing! An I never like to babysit either I come to realize we do have stuff in common love you good read too!!!
Ps hate that question so when are you gunna have kids!!!!
Another great read! ??
I too wasn’t sure how I felt when I first realized I was pregnant. Dean and I were having fun, not sure I wanted kids… but now I think, what would I do without them in my life? Oh, yeah… uh, I’d be traveling , a lot!! ?
I think you have told me this before and I sort of disregarded you coining it off as you just saying that to be cute, cause you do such a fantastic job at being a mom. But, now I see if your willing to put yourself out there on social media sharing you do not like kids then I suppose the least I can do is believe you… but how, you are so good at it.. lol. Love this post Thanks for sharing.
Great read! I love being a mom and I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Just not to 5 damn kids (more like two or three)! However, I’m not a huge fan of kids either- go figure…
Thank you sooooo much for putting into words your experience it’s probably the closest thing I’ve ever heard or read of some one with such a similar motherhood journey and I’m very thankful it’s nice to know we aren’t alone or broken ?
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