As you might recall from my prior post, there are a lot of things about being a parent that I was unprepared for. However, recently I was put in an uncomfortable moment where I immediately realized how unequipped I really was. What happened?
My 12 year old daughter, Gianna, was sexually harassed at school.
The details of the touch
That last sentence, the one about sexual harassment, dramatizes what happened – at least it does to me. Sexual harassment seems too big a term to describe her situation. But, when it all boils down to the grits of it, that’s what it was. Sexual harassment.
A boy at Gianna’s school had been smacking her on the butt repeatedly over a prolonged period of time. At first, she thought it was funny because she has a great sense of humor and they are friends. But then he kept on doing it. After getting uncomfortable/annoyed, she told him to stop…but he didn’t listen and kept on doing it…even though she said no.
How I found out
Up until recently, Gianna never told me any of this. I always ask her details about her day. Probe her to get passed the “fine” comment when I ask her about school and actually tell me things that happened since she spends most of her life there. The butt touching never came up.
Then, she came home the other day, visibly upset as she walked in the door. I immediately asked her what was wrong and she told me about the boy. Apparently, a teacher finally saw him doing it and reported him to the principal. So, G had to give a statement about what happened and shared with them that this wasn’t the first time. It happened A LOT. Since it all came to a head that day, and the school was involved, Gianna knew that she finally had to tell me.
Giving a statement and sharing this info with me was hard for her because any time Gianna talks about her emotions, she cries. Whether she is actually upset or not. She gets emotional about her emotions. Ahhhh, she is my child. My chest feels like it fills up with tears when I share my feelings. Happy, sad, hurt, whatever. I’m inevitably ugly crying. Gianna is the same way.
What I did
In that moment, hearing that my daughter had been touched after telling a boy no…my mind started to tailspin. Here’s the thing. I didn’t get angry, and part of me feels like that should have been an immediate emotional reaction. Here’s what I did think and say. In chronological order:
First, well…you do have a nice butt.
Yes. Parenting win right there. I have a tendency to resort to humor in situations I am uncomfortable in or unsure of. In my defense, her butt is pretty cute. She knows it. She admires it in the mirror at least 3 times a day. This comment made her laugh and immediately agree with me. “Yeah, I do.”
But, in retrospect, that probably wasn’t the best thing to lead with. Yet, my follow up might be worse.
Next, how did he touch your butt?
Was it like a quick slap…like “atta girl nice goal” kinda touch, or was it more of a slap/grab? Dear God. Why did I need the touch defined? The important thing should have been: you were touched after you said no and that is wrong.
However, a quick slap seemed more innocent to me. Slap/grab is a next level butt touch. I mean, in sports, you get your butt slapped repeatedly and it’s intended as a congratulations. As a motivation to keep going. But a slap/grab has more meat to it, literally. It’s a little more personal. She said it was more of the slap/grab.
Finally, I tried to actually parent.
Humor out of the way, my brain finally settled on the situation so that I could see it. My 12 year old daughter was inappropriately and repeatedly touched in a way that made her uncomfortable. After she asked him to stop.
Why didn’t she tell me sooner? I asked her. She didn’t want to get him in trouble. I’ve seen enough movies, read 13 Reasons Why, and heard enough stories to know that that’s something girls who are raped say about their attacker. They are worried about the repercussions and the perception that this was somehow their fault. Was she asking for it because she had such a nice butt?
I told her all of this. I said that this wasn’t in any way as severe as rape, but once you start letting things like this go, once you let yourself be “OK” with unwanted touches like this, it’s a slippery slope. Your mind makes allowances and says, well I can let this go…but I would never let someone rape me without telling.
But the muscle memory is there. You let a small thing, such as a friendly butt touch, go. Something that did hurt your emotional wall. Your brain might remember this and slowly start letting other small things go, until the big things don’t seem so big anymore.
I didn’t want that.
I didn’t want to make this bigger than it really was either. The school ended up calling and asking if we wanted to press charges. That seemed so extreme to me. He was her friend. She said he was a good kid. She really didn’t want him to get in trouble.
He did need the wake-up call that it’s not OK to touch a girl without her permission and doubly not OK to touch her after she tells you to stop. I’m sure his parents gave him a reaming. I would.
Where we are now
Once she was done talking about it and getting over the emotion of sharing emotion, Gianna was fine. She could laugh and talk about it without getting upset. And, I felt better knowing she was passed it. But at the same time, I wrestled with that fact. Should she be? Should she let it go that easily? Shouldn’t she feel more violated and upset?
I had to tell myself no. She should move on. It’s not good to dwell. Forgiveness, and the ability to not let events like this weigh you down, is good. In the end, my unpreparedness to deal with this situation hopefully didn’t set a bad tone for the future. I hope my humor, and then quick transition to mature discussion, was the right approach.
I don’t ever want her to be in this type of situation again. But, in this world, she could be. I guess the silver lining from this situation is that we have had a small discussion about it and, this small discussion hopefully made her see she can talk and share things without fear of the consequences. That we will have her back and give her an open space to share without too much judgement.
God, parenting is hard.
I’m so glad that the teacher saw this and it got out in the open. I think what you guys decided is probably a good way to handle it. I hope that this boy learned a very big lesson and that he actually feels bad. I hope he apologizes to her and really means it, hopefully a life lesson for him. Also for Gianna, stand behind her NO the first time. It sure was easier holding that little finger Krissy!!!❤
OMG, same situation with my 4th grader last week! I told her to punch him – hahahaha. She said she didn’t want to get in trouble & I told her I’d stand up for her! But then I told her to just yell – “Don’t touch my butt!” – if he did it again. It usually happens in the classroom when switching activities I guess. I emailed her teacher & her teacher wrote back – Hmmm, I wonder if it’s the boy she threw water on this morning. Yep, it was – that’s my girl. Ughhh, they are too young… Read more »
That little prick glad I wasn’t around that’s not even cool that kid even touch her in the ass!!! Yes I know it’s her friend but come on kid let her little cute butt go! You did a great job krissy like always and I’m glad Gianna finally had the heart to tell you guys!! Thank goodness next time he better leave her go or I hope their is not a next time! Great read like always love you guys
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