What kind of sadistic, childless, asshole makes a bathroom door that unlocks when you turn the door handle?!?! Just the damn door handle! The lock and the handle are separate FOR A REASON. Like, let’s say, to protect parents from exposing themselves to strangers because their toddler opened the door on their own while said parent was pee-trapped on the toilet. That is why the lock is nested above the handle, strategic inches away from a two-year old’s grubby, evil hands.
What’s led me to this rant about doorknobs? This:
I gotsta pee
I took Gianna to the doctors and as soon as we got to the office, I had to pee. Those 3 morning coffees to wake me up at 430 AM really started to kick in and I really didn’t want to hold it. I brought Evie into the bathroom with me, not by choice. She followed me there because following me is what she does best. She is my shadow. Evie skipped across the waiting room lobby with one shoe on, on shoe off, and entered the one stall restroom with me like she owned the world.
Locking the deadbolt, I pulled my pants down and began to pee. Evie took this as her cue to activate pure ninja devil mode. As I was peeing, she grabbed the door handle, turned, and was able to open the damn door. She didn’t even TOUCH the deadbolt lock. The stupid ass door unlocks just by turning the handle. Why?? Why?!?! Is this to minimize the number of surfaces you need to touch? Because if so, this design failed at preventing germs because I’m pretty sure I got urine on the handle after what occurred next.
There I was, mid-pee stream, begging for my terrible two toddler to shut the door. She stood there in the hallway, laughing at my situation, and made zero attempts to shut the door and preserve whatever dignity her mother had left. I desperately pulled at the toilet paper roll, trying to grab a decent amount to wipe myself with so I could pull my pants up. But, of course, it was the start of a new roll. Damn glue! All I got in my first attempt was a thin 8-inch scrap.
It had to do. Wouldn’t be the first time I walked around with a little bit of pee in my pants. Wiping somewhat successfully, I yanked up my pants, grabbed Evie by the arm and pulled her into the restroom, shutting the door behind her. She proceeded to go out again as I washed my hands. She stood in the hallway, her face alight with pure glee. She found this episode extremely entertaining.
Luckily, during this entire debacle, no one came by. No one witnessed this mechanical design failure that caused me to pee in public with the door completely open while my damn child laughed with pure joy at the embarrassment she was causing.
And here’s me thinking I was starting to like kids.
LOL, just joking. I love this child. She is an asshole just like the rest of them. But dammit if she isn’t entertaining. She gave me this story and I will remember it forever. I’m just glad I didn’t have to share the actual visual with anyone else.
Goddamn doorknob.