Passionate relationships all have the same qualities – you fall in love and all you want to do is be around that person, talk about that person, know everything about them. I had an extremely passionate relationship since I was about 6. My lover?
Food.
We met at a young age. I can’t remember life without it. But, for a time, Food was just a casual friend. But, in time, it developed into something more.
Food as my secret lover
I can’t recall the exact age. It had to be between 4-8 years old. Food became my escape. I would eat to be happy and fill a void in my life from not having parents that could love me the way I needed.
I overindulged – eating large quantities of horrible Food because it tasted so damn good. But, what made this relationship even more charged was the ‘secret aspect’ of it. Like assholes people that cheat, most of the thrill is doing something you aren’t supposed to be doing. I would steal, sneak, and lie for Food.
I recall sneaking into my parent’s room numerous times as they slept. I knew where all the creaks in the floor were. I would stealthily make my way to my dad’s underwear drawer to steal borrow some money.
I’d then hop on my bicycle and make the 1 mile ride to our local Dairy Queen – crossing major roads to get there. I’d order the largest Cookie Dough & Reese Cup Blizzard I could buy and eat it on the way home – feeling amazing because I had a sugar high and because I was getting away with it! God, I love Blizzards.
No one knows about us, Food! Now go and sit on my thighs.
Ok, as an aside, the sun was shining folks. It had to be late morning because the ice cream store was open. Why were my parents still sleeping? What luxury they had. Well, that or they just gave zero shits about what I was doing.
I was a spirited kid and very difficult -much like my Scarlett. I pushed and pushed to see what I could get away with. I was sneaky. I was imaginative and fearless. And, my parents – with their limitations – couldn’t handle me. I see that now.
Life pivoted shortly after my bicycle Blizzard adventures. One night, after a beating from my father, my brother and I ran to my Aunt Mary’s house. She lived nearby and was the closest thing to a real mom I’ve ever had. My dad was abusive – especially when he was drunk. Which was like…everyday.
We told my aunt what had been happening and she said we were never going back there again. I can talk more about this later because there is A LOT to unpack from these years.
For now, let’s focus on Food.
However, in the years before I left my parents house, my Food lover gave me a special gift. That gift was about 20 lbs on the frame of a very short child.
Food becomes my obsession
So, I left home at the age of 8 and moved in with another aunt and uncle who had a daughter around the same age as me. I was a little scared but overall happy I was out of my parent’s house. I knew that things could only get better.
And, they did. My aunt helped me lose weight by introducing me to Weight Watchers. I tracked my food using a diary…checking off boxes when I ate vegetables and drank water. I found deep satisfaction in checking off boxes. Still do. Give me a form or a survey to complete and I will be fulfilled.
I slowly lost weight, and losing weight was good because I was rivaling the size of Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka. But this tracking and checking off of boxes might have flipped a switch in me.
I became obsessive.
Food was no longer an indulgence or means of happiness. It became one of my main focuses. We weren’t in love anymore. Me and Food were at the 7 year itch stage. I was seeing all of it’s flaws and wanted to control and change it.
Food as my weapon
Now, hear me out. I don’t want to talk shit on my aunt and uncle that took me in. I wasn’t easy to deal with and they did their best. BUT, back then, I didn’t see things that way. I was hormonal and I was angry inside because my childhood sucked.
Back then, I gave myself the Cinderella-complex. My mind saw them coddling my cousin. She would get preferential treatment over me. I would have to do all these chores while she wasn’t required to do nearly as much. Wah wah wah, tiny little violins play.
Ultimately, I felt like I had no control of my life. So kind of like Cinderella, except Gus Gus annoyed the hell out of me and I don’t think a prince would save me in my current form.
Thanks to the extra pounds, years of bullying (did I ever tell you kids are assholes?), and low self esteem, I felt fat and ugly – inside and out. My body image was destroyed. I wanted to feel like I was the boss of SOMETHING in my life.
I couldn’t control my outside environment…so I turned inward.
Me and Food shifted our relationship and I began to use it as my means of controlling something in my life. I stopped eating.
The feeling of an empty stomach made me feel like I had power over something. I didn’t have to eat if I didn’t want to. No one could make me. Anorexia turned into bulimia when I realized I could eat laxatives so that no matter what went in…it quickly came back out.
Never trust a fart folks.
Eventually, my self destructive behavior became apparent to my aunt and uncle. I honestly can’t recall how they found out or what my punishment was. It’s funny how your brain can suppress remember certain things and not others.
All I remember is that around this time, I had met Vince.
Awe, his name rhymes with prince. Shit, that is sappy. We totally don’t have that type of relationship but I couldn’t help myself.
Vince helped me build some confidence back about my appearance. My aunt did enlist him to watch me and make sure I ate though. Let’s just say, this pissed me off. Having to constantly report on what went in my mouth each day was a little exhausting. There’s a penis joke that could follow that sentence but nothing is coming to me at the moment.
However, after meeting Vince, I didn’t hurt my body through food like I did in those years before. I still controlled. I had to. Without monitoring, I would inflate easily.
Weight likes to sit on my lower half like fog clings to ground in the early mornings. Except nothing burns it off. Exercising tones somewhat but my thighs still flap together when I walk and I refuse to wear shorts because I look like a can of crescent rolls just popped open when I sit down.
Read on…we are almost done.
Food as my fuel
Fast forward to 2018 (chronologically a confusing statement). I agreed to try an exceptionally hard diet of eating only tuna fish and canned veggies for a month with Vince. An exaggeration but shit that’s what it felt like. No cheese? No bread? No wine? This is torture!!
Normally, Vince wouldn’t ask me to diet because he thinks I’m too skinny, but he wanted to lose some lbs and wanted an accountability partner. So, we did the diet. I lost about 15 or so lbs in 30 days which was cool but that kind of dieting is not sustainable. There’s no damn way I can eat like a fucking bunny forever.
After losing that weight though, I couldn’t go back to eating the way I had been. I needed something that I could stick with and not pack the weight back on. I needed something that would work so that I didn’t have to exercise like I used to anymore.
I had been hearing about Keto for awhile up to that point. A few people I knew had tried it and liked it. I always avoided it, because I like bread – but the “eat-like-a-bunny-torture-no-cheese diet” didn’t let you eat that either. After 30 days no grain – I was pretty detoxed.
What sold me on Keto was that they said you could eat cheese, avocado, and bacon. That’s a diet? Um, okkayyy. After eating nuts and green beans for 30 days anything sounded doable.
So I started Keto.
I’m still doing Keto. I cheat on occasion and will take bites of things I shouldn’t. But, I’m sustaining. Most importantly, I’m not unhealthy and food isn’t defining me anymore.
What I now know
Food isn't
Food is
The only purpose of food is to nourish my body so I can function.
It’s not supposed to replace my parent’s love.
It’s not a reward for job well done.
It’s not a way to impose control when I feel helpless.
Food is only in my life so I can move forward. I need it. But in a good, emotionless way.
It only took me about 25 years to break up with Food. But, now I feel lighter than I ever have…and I’m not talking about what the scale says.
I’m lighter in how my heart and mind feels.
Good job Hun! Not a fan of you making my little angel Scarlett sound like she is a little devil though. I definitely to a scroll by before reading. I got through it, although I got caught up in the middle with that handsome, superman, prince part.
What did you eat today?
Great job Krissy, I get a little sad sometimes but your writing is awesome!!!!❤?
Super proud of you Krissy B (sorry thats what you will always be to me) for talking about this publicly! I remember in newspaper class back in HS you discussing this with me a little. So happy that you have chosen to overcome and be your best version of yourself. You’re going to help a lot of people. Love the blog! Keep shining your light!
Love your blog can’t wait for more
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