i’m a winer

My dad was an alcoholic. He still could be as well. I’m not sure. I haven’t spoken to him in lifetimes. But, in the small span of years that I did know him, he drank regularly and in excess. This post isn’t about him, though. It’s about me and the ongoing thought that swirls in my mind that wonders “am I an alcoholic, too?”

I’ve been drinking in some fashion or another since I was 13 or so. Not that I was having daily drinks while in 8th grade. But I have these vivid memories of occasions where I would drink in excess. Like the time I sat on the floor of my aunt and uncle’s kitchen and, while everyone was sleeping, I drank from their bottle of Malibu rum, replacing my sips with water when I was done so I wouldn’t get caught.

I cried while drinking alone on that cold kitchen floor. My back up against the cabinet, cat hair swirling around my fingers, while I sobbed and sang a song to myself that I made up from reading the rum’s label. (“Malibu rum with natural, tropical, coconut flaaaaavvvvvoooooorrrrr.”) I drank because I felt alone, out of place, angry, and I wanted to escape for a minute. That sweet, syrupy rum helped fog my brain enough to forget all the things in my life that were making me feel pain.

Why I Drank

Alcohol gave me an escape from life. An escape that I thought I needed for a couple reasons. First, I felt all the teenager angst that most kids do. Teenagers really are so dramatic, but they have all these changes happening internally. It’s no wonder they feel that their world is falling apart at every turn. I try to keep this in mind now with my girls when parenting through their pubescent mood swings. This book, Untangled, is a godsend.  It helped me understand my daughters’ behavior as well as my own.

Along with dealing with a growing brain, I was also dealing with the aftershocks of an abusive childhood. My mom and dad were physically and verbally abusive. I moved out when I was 8 and lived with my aunt/uncle for a time being. Living with them made me feel that I constantly had to prove myself since I was living with people who didn’t have to keep me. I spent my days trying to be better than my cousin – their daughter – because I felt I had to earn my place in the house and not slack or they might send me back to my parents.

I never went to therapy. I don’t think anyone even asked if I needed it. But I can’t be sure. My memories are selective. It was a different world back then though. Therapy wasn’t as mainstream as it is now. Nope, I just plugged on with life, internalizing everything. Escaping, when I needed to, through alcohol. I didn’t drink daily, and I didn’t always drink by myself. I would go to parties. My friends all drank, and we would find ways to get alcohol while under-age.

I didn’t think I had a problem with drinking back then. I was super-aware of the fact that I was messing with the very stuff that made my dad abuse me. I didn’t want to be like him. But even though I was using alcohol to numb myself occasionally, I still felt like I was in control.

I spent the better part of my teens and twenties drinking. Again, not daily. Mostly socially with other people. And it evolved from being an escape mechanism to just a socially fun thing to do. Then, I had kids.

Mom Drinking

There’s something about mom life. You spend most of your waking hours attending to other people’s needs and at the end of the day, it’s almost like a celebration that you did it. You kept your shit together, the house is still standing, and the kids are still alive! You deserve a drink, right?! I don’t know if that’s right, but that’s what I thought. Once I had kids, I started having a semi-nightly glass of wine to end my day. I wasn’t trying to escape my life, just wind down after a day of being a full-time mom, wife, and employee.

Aside from those night caps, I did go through a period in my thirties where my mom drinking became too much. I started hanging with moms that also drank and this behavior started affecting how I functioned as a mom. I would start drinking too early with my friends and not make my kids’ dinner. I would lose track of time. I would say things to my kids and forget I had the conversation with them. (Which now this just happens organically because I’m getting older).

Rock Bottom

This bad mom behavior culminated in one event that I am ashamed of. An event that truly changed my current attitude with drinking. It involved day drinking with a couple of my mom friends, a mailbox, and puking in my driveway in front of my daughter. That was my rock bottom. I was so embarrassed of my behavior. Embarrassed that my children saw me like that. Embarrassed that I was showing them that this type of behavior was OK.

It’s not OK. I’m their mom, not some sloppy drunk. I don’t want them to repeat this behavior. They look to me as a role model of sorts. I needed to act like it.

After that day, I stopped my mom drinking. I scaled back significantly. That rock bottom day happened over 3 years ago and since then I’ve never been out of control in front of my kids again. I really don’t think I’ve even been drunk since then. I don’t regret that rock bottom day because it made me wake up and change the direction of my life, so I’m thankful for it. Still mortified…. but thankful.

Still Drinking

Here’s the thing, though. I like to drink. It’s an event for me. A ritual of sorts. I still enjoy my nightly glass of wine. But I don’t have a nightly bottle of wine. I enjoy 1 (maybe 2 on occasion) glass to end my day. Sure, it’s become a habit, but I know I can stop if I really want to. Unless I’m pregnant, I don’t think I really want to. I enjoy wine. It’s soothing and it’s my reward to myself each day.

I know some people might say I have an issue…so maybe I do? Especially given my history. My alcoholic father, grandfather, my family history of abuse, and here I am having wine every single night of my life?

If I’m being honest with myself, I do think I have a problem – of sorts. Why else would I be writing a damn blog post about it?! I drink daily. Daily. Sure, I don’t get drunk. I maybe have 1 full glass of wine. But it’s a daily habit. I don’t NEED alcohol every day, but I sure do want it. I look forward to it even….and that’s probably not healthy.

Stopped (for now)

I don’t think this problem will go away. I think I will live with it for the rest of my life. I started writing this post late in 2022. Right around the start of the holiday season. Becoming too busy, I set the piece aside. Now, I’m coming back to it late into January of 2023 and I’m pregnant with our fourth child. I haven’t had my nightly drink. I’ve stopped (of course). So, I guess I am looking at this drinking behavior with a different perspective as I finish this post. I’ve been wine-free for weeks. It hasn’t been hard, but I have missed my wine. It was a daily habit so towards mid-day (almost every day) I have thought about wine. There have been days when I really really just want one glass. Not because I need it, but just because it sounds so good.

And yeah, that’s probably not normal. To think about alcohol almost daily. But I do. It’s a habit and I’m really good at keeping habits. I know I will be thinking about alcohol almost every day, and that annoys me. I like to control myself. I’ve realized that through writing this blog. Controlling myself is deep in the core of who I am, because of my childhood. And the fact that I can’t control these thoughts about alcohol is frustrating.

But I don’t think I can change that fact. I just have to recognize that these thoughts will be there, and I have to give myself grace that I push them aside when I need to and make the right choice.

Staying in Control

Will I go back to my daily wine? Maybe. Maybe not. I enjoy wine. But I don’t like the feeling that I’m not in control. I don’t like it when I let my thoughts control me. Because I truly believe I am not the thought. I am the person inside hearing those thoughts…and I need to be in control. So, we will see. I know I will not live a wine-free life because I do enjoy wine. But maybe I will just limit myself. To prove to my thoughts that I’m making the decisions.

I’m the one in control.

References:

https://www.ucsonline.org/resources-and-education/blog/do-i-have-a-drinking-problem-how-to-know-the-signs-of-alcohol-addiction