I wish I could go back in time to the feminist movement and have a one-on-one with the suffragettes. These women who fought for the rights of women everywhere – demanding equality and representation. And yes, there’s good in this. I want to be able to own property, vote, and have equal access to education. Though being permitted to drive a car might be a debatable right for women given my history with hitting stationary objects.
Joking aside, I just wish a Margaret or Esther would’ve paused and asked, “Wait, is this what all women want?” Because not all of us wanted what they were fighting for. Or at least, not all of it.
Even though I know there are many other women out there just like me, it still feels a little taboo to say this out loud. We’re supposed to want total equality. We are smart, strong, and arguably better in the workplace than most men. But just because you can do something…doesn’t mean you should.
I might die on this hill but I’m just going to say it:
In striving to achieve equality, the women’s movement made things less equal for women like me. Because now, those of us who were fine with “our place” are now living in a society where staying in that place is harder. Trying to be a good mother and build a strong home is exceedingly difficult because now, “things are equal.”
Because of the feminist movement, women can now work. Great, right? We can find fulfillment in the workplace. That sounds lovely.
But the thing is, with more women in the workforce, household incomes rose. But so did the cost of living. The two-income household went from being a luxury to a requirement. Even if you’d rather be home, it’s no longer a choice. It’s a financial necessity that we work.
So we work. We leave our kids in daycare or summer camps. We seek out strangers to raise our children because we’ve been told we need a career. Or we work from home and to try balance Zoom meetings with snack refills and preschoolers who have no concept of personal space or time. We are split between work and home and left to feel like a mediocre mother and mediocre employee because you can’t be great at both at the same time.
And just because we are now in the workplace, that doesn’t mean our home stopped needing us. Laundry still needs done. Windows still need cleaned. The house didn’t get a magical fairy to take care of it. That fairy is us. All the things that we did before equality are still there, plus then some. So now, the scales aren’t balanced. They’re friggin’ overloaded. We’re doing more. Juggling more.
The stress. The guilt. It’s not equal.
Sure, not all women feel this way. Some don’t want kids. Some thrive in their jobs and love it. That’s totally fine. But what about the rest of us? The women who simply want to be at home – our place, as it used to be called. Our place to raise a family. To create memories. To create a solid foundation for our children so they grow up strong, centered, and loved.
I know it’s controversial to say, but I believe that part of what’s missing in society today is the consistent presence of mothers in the home. The nurturing we can provide. The attention. The calm. When we’re split, something is missing. If more mothers could be home with their children without the added stress of work, maybe the world would look a little different. Maybe there’d be less violence. Fewer mental health struggles and learning disabilities. Because we’d be there, focused on our family and unsplit.
We wouldn’t be spending our days away from the lives we were given to shape.
My oldest daughter just graduated from high school. She’s 18 and the world is now telling her that it’s time to grow up, go to college, and figure out a career. It’s been shoved down her throat for the past decade. Pick a college. Pick a path. Become something.
Thing is, she doesn’t want to become anything other than what her heart is saying she is. She wants to be a mom. That’s it. She doesn’t really want to get a degree; she wants to build a family, a home, and make memories. I think that is wonderful. So many parents tout their children’s achievements. Their grades, college acceptances, career choices, etc. But I think being a caregiver, having the desire and ability to be an amazing mom, is more important and impressive than anything else. She shouldn’t have to prove herself to society or get a paycheck to show her worth.
Being a mom isn’t less than anything. We shouldn’t ever have to say we’re “just” a stay-at-home mom. It’s not “just.” It is. Mom’s matter.
And this role as a woman deserves as much respect as anything else.
Feminists and their “liberation of women” just made it harder to achieve. They wanted us to have it all. They wanted us to have equality with men. But in the end, they just made it so we have to do it all. And for those of us who “just” want to be mothers – or simply women present in our homes – that choice is no longer simple. If we don’t want to do it all, we’re made to feel like we’ve failed this game of life somehow.
That’s not equality at all. That’s doesn’t feel like empowerment. That’s just seems unfair.
Ok so I’ve been musing about this for some time. My gripe with the women’s movement and how I kinda wish we could go back to the simpler times when women could just stay home – especially if you have kids. The needs of your family are so great that being split between work and home is a constant struggle. In all arenas. Mental, physical, financial. I know that the women’s movement gave us so much good, and I don’t want to revert back to the way things were exactly. But I don’t think where we are today is right.
When I get frustrated or overly stressed at home, sometimes I will joke and yell “I blame the feminists!” and my family will laugh at me. It helps to place blame on someone when you feel pulled in too many directions. I joke, but I do know I have a lot to be thankful for thanks to the Margarets and Esthers out there. Sometimes I just wish career equality was left alone. Let the men work. Let them go out and kill wooly mammoths while we stay back in the cave keeping the feral children alive.
I think I’d be ok with that.