Fashion has never really been my thing. Which is somewhat odd because I seriously love makeover montages in movies. Tai in Clueless, Mia in the Princess Diaries, Laney Boggs in She’s All That, Vivian Ward in Pretty Woman, Gracie Hart in Miss Congeniality. It is so satisfying. Like rearranging my furniture. Love it!
Despite my love of makeovers, I put an extremely low level of effort into my ‘look’ for the day. I absolutely appreciate when someone looks like they got their shit together. I just don’t have it in me to give that level of effort towards what I wear.
I care….but I don’t care.
I have the struggle of dressing my age and dressing my body. There are certain fashion choices that just look ridiculous on a woman my age. Like when it was a big thing to have words on pants that stretch across your butt. I don’t need a sign on my ass that says Juicy. Because chances are, that’s describing my farts and not the shape of my rear end.
Since I work from home, I spend most of my time in yoga pants even if I have zero plans to work out. My yoga pants are equally as comfy as my pjs and more socially acceptable to leave the house in should I need to. Plus, I would sweat like a whore in church if I left my house in my pjs.
Vince likes to say I sleep in a snow suit. I can’t help it. I get cold really easily and feel best in pj pants, undershirt, and a cardigan. Is that too much?
I don’t care.
Most of the time, if you see me out during the day, you’ll see me in yoga pants. However, I’ve found that my yoga pants outfits are embarrassing to my girls. Well, Gianna anyways. God damn girls are so judgemental.
She has made comments in the past about other moms during school drop off. Like “oh, look at how nice Katelyn’s mom looks. She always dresses so nice.” And then she gives me a look. Damn this child has her dad’s passive aggressive behavior down pat already.
Yes, yes Gianna. She does look nice. Are you not proud of my sports bra showing out of my tank? It’s like an 80’s throwback. That’s in now, right?
So, I do make an effort to not go to school events in my yoga pants. I don’t really want to embarrass them. I want them to be proud that I’m their mom.
I guess gallivanting around in yoga pants all day might make it seem like I have nothing to do though. Like all I have to worry about all day is exercising, going to a juice bar, and getting my nails done before the kids get home. Like all stay at home moms do. (Hands off the vaginas, ladies. That’s a joke.)
For the times I can’t wear yoga pants, I wear my trusty pair of junior section jean capris. Sooooooo in right now. In Florida, you can’t always truck around in full length jeans. Not when ass sweat commences as soon as you walk out the door. Having 2 inches of ankle skin showing really cools you off.
Why not wear shorts? Shorts make my legs look like a busted open can of crescent dough. So much squishiness happening in that area. And, when I would walk in them, my thighs would eat the shorts so that the fabric eventually got tucked into my thigh/vagina cracks.
Is a thigh wedgie a thing? I didn’t see anything on Wikipedia or Urban Dictionary so I coined the term as mine. God, the Internet is amazing. I can make up words and define them for others to use.
To top it off, I have a significant birth mark on my right leg. It’s about 3 inches wide and the color of Hershey’s chocolate. I don’t need to show that thing off. It always elicits comments like “Oh my God! What happened to your leg?” or “Oh Kris, you have something on your leg!!!”
No, you ass. It’s not a dob of shit. It’s a birthmark. I used to despise it when I was younger. Kids are fucking assholes and I was teased enough about it.
I’ve grown into acceptance and I honestly forget it’s there most of the time. Regardless of the chunky legs, thigh wedgies, and the shit mark….shorts are fucking uncomfortable. So I refuse to wear them.
I could try other options for bottoms but then I get into the realm of hemming because I’m only 1 inch shy of being a legal dwarf. Pants off the rack do not fit me. If you’ve read my post about laundry, you can bet your ass I don’t own a sewing machine or have the domestic skills to hem.
Overall, I don’t spend much effort on my ‘look’ for the day – save for putting on make up. Because, at least with my face on, society will know that I am not a prepubescent boy on his way to the gym.
I’m just a middle-age woman in my mom uniform. You ladies out there rock your linen pants with espadrilles and silk blouses. I’m sitting here, cross-legged at my desk, comfy as a mother, in my yoga pants.
You crack me up Krissy, stay comfy, you always look great in my book!!!❤
Krissy your such a pretty sister I always looked up to you! Ur great an I love this read ❤️❤️❤️
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