around here, every day is hump day

I shared a confession recently on my Facebook page for Raising the Curtins and I realized, while writing it, that I would need to also share the story here. Not that this is something I want to shout from the rooftops or anything of that nature. This confession actually makes me a bit uncomfortable, even though it really shouldn’t. 

I am sharing this because the whole premise behind “Raising the Curtins” is to 1) share my life and how I am raising my kids and 2) show people real life without fakeness/filters. If I didn’t share this story, I’d be going against my mission statement.

So….with that said, my kid is humping me and it makes me a bit uncomfortable. It’s not one of the older kids, obviously. That would require too much therapy on my part. No, it’s Evie (the 1 yr old). She’s started the habit of humping me lately. Not always…just occasionally. Mostly when she is tired.

My Name is Humpty, Pronounced with an Umpty

It’s a really, really, REALLY odd thing to have your child hump you. As a parent, I wasn’t prepared for a lot of things, including this. I’ve only known of 1 child my entire life that did this, and it was one of my cousins. She humped the floor though, not people. 

Caveat, seeing a kid hump the floor is still very uncomfortable.

Yep, let’s just sit there at a family birthday party as your little cousin rams the floor in front of you. Do you make eye contact? Look away like you don’t see her there making the carpet her bitch? Acknowledge the humping with the other people in the room and discuss? Do I step over her to go make a plate or wait for her to be done?

In all seriousness, I know kids don’t hump for the same reason adults hump. But still….

Boss Baby Gets Her Way

I don’t want to yell at Evie and scare her. Though her little sad face is quite adorable. I’ve tried distracting her to get her to stop but this usually turns her into the Hulk. She’s pissed I interrupted her.

Just the other day, I was sitting on the floor with Evie and Scarlett. Evie was playing with some toys, basically ignoring me which is nice because usually she is up my ass all day. I decided to lay flat on my back to stretch out and Evie immediately made a beeline towards me. Innocent me thought she was coming over to offer up a sweet little baby hug. 

Oh no.

I laid there for a bit; Scarlett and I both uncomfortably laughing because neither of us knew what the right reaction was. I told Scarlett it was normal, and Evie was just soothing herself. Even still, we both avoided eye contact with the 1 year old boss because it just felt wrong to look her in the eyes when she was doing it.

After a minute, I tried to get up to make Evie stop…and this child literally placed her hand on my chest to push me back down. She pushed me back down. Having my child basically treat me like a glorified blow-up doll might have been the tipping point for me.

Like the dog in Joe Dirt “he’ll stop humping as soon as he’s done.” Oh my God, being a parent is so weird.

I took this confession to Facebook hoping for some advice and reassurance that this was not THAT weird. Folks commented and reaffirmed that this was totally normal. The only suggestion I received to stop this behavior was to redirect it and buy Evie a stuffed animal to hump.

Now, if you know me, you know I hate MFing stuffed animals. Yes, they’re cute. But they are dust collectors and honestly just a waste. My kids love them for like 2 days and then they sit on the shelves/bed/closet/toy chest being ignored until I toss them in a bag for Goodwill. I’m fine with 1 or 2 special stuffies, but that’s about it. So, no. No, I will not be getting my daughter a humping toy. 

I’ll just ride this out (pun intended) until she outgrows it and try to lay her down to sleep before it occurs. Poor Evie. She’s never going to live this down. Her sisters will remind her for the rest of her life that she used to hump Mom.