i’m gonna wreck it

I’m not a materialistic person. Things don’t matter that much to me. Recall my blog post from 2019 about Vince being a hoarder and me not caring about things. Classic stuff, there. I was throwing out the zingers in that post!

Anyways, I’m more into having experiences or making memories than having things. This flippant attitude about stuff might not be good though. While it keeps me from saving everything and being attached to inanimate objects, it may subconsciously cause me to not take care of things the way I should. Like….I’m not trying to ruin something. But maybe because the bulk of my being does not care if everything went up in flames, I don’t take my time or take care of things like I should?? I’m giving myself therapy again.

I say this because I am realizing that I constantly break shit. Like, all the damn time.

I don’t mean to. I don’t set out to warp my new floor with a steam mop. Who knew steam and laminate flooring don’t mix? Oh, everyone?! Everyone knows this?? Well, I found out the hard way.

Or I don’t intentionally back up our new minivan too close to the house and scratch car and house at the same time. But that sure as shit just happened. I took my time. I swear I did. I used my cameras and everything. But maybe my lazy eye misjudged the distance and now the rear end has a scratch? I didn’t even know I did it at the time because I felt nothing.

Or, a few weeks before that incident, I semi-crashed the Tesla into a truck on the way to carline pickup. Then not too long after THAT, I opened a set of drill bits on the back of Vince’s trunk and they fell off, gauging his new car. What the hell is it with me and cars lately? Why do I keep doing this?

All the time. I am always breaking shit. I truly don’t get it. SOOO, like everything that I don’t understand, I googled it. I either have internalized rage (possible), lack of sleep (ok, possible), or I’m distracted and unfocused (…..there’s a pattern here). The googled answers though don’t cover all my oopsies. Sometimes I’m really focused on what I’m doing, rage level is low, and sleep is good…but shit still breaks.

My consistent breaking of shit drives Vince more insane than he already is. Because he’s the exact opposite of me. He leaves the plastic film covering on his electronics for as long as possible to protect them. Keeps his shoes in boxes and saves the stuffing so he can put it back in to the shoes to keep their shape. Which I find quite odd that he is anal about all that but will wear the same shirt for 4 days in a row. Or wear his painting shorts as normal day wear. Or wear a shirt with stains and holes in them when he literally has an entire half of a closet full of color-coded shirts. Man is a conundrum. Anyways, he would wrap our entire house in a plastic protection film to save it from the damn kids (and me) if it was up to him. That’s not a bad item really. Would make the walls easier to clean.

He wraps. I wreck.

It’s not like I don’t feel bad when these things break or get damaged. Mainly because I know Vince will be upset and I’m not a sadistic person. I do get irritated with myself. Like, this again Kris? WTF. I do like things looking nice. I don’t like ruining things or wasting money. But breaking shit over and over again isn’t great.

My consistent pattern of ruining things is annoying but at the same time life happens. Things will not stay perfect. Just like my aging body, stuff isn’t permanent and will break/wear down over time. Stains happen. Rips happen. Things get lost, broken, scratched. And typically, I’m the one breaking, ripping, scratching. But maybe that’s normal? Normal if you’re not my anal OCD husband that is.

I don’t know if this will change. I don’t want to become attached to things. I like that stuff doesn’t matter to me and that if something gets ruined, it doesn’t ruin my day. I’d like to say I am going to be more careful and cautious, but I don’t even know if that’s possible. How do you stop doing something you don’t even mean to do?