I’ve been dumped a few times in my life. Not as much as others, to be sure. My love life experience is more about depth than the number of tallies on my bedpost.
In each instance where I was dating someone, I was the person getting dumped. I don’t think, in my hazy recollection of memory, that I was ever the dumper, always the dumpee. Until recently, I had thought that my limited experience had given me all the insight I needed into the dating world.
What else really mattered? What else could I have missed?
Being the dumper. That’s what I missed. That experience kind of matters.
And I am now seeing this through the life of my teenage daughter. But first, take a walk down dumpee memory lane with me.
Always the Dumpee
Boy 1 – I was 6 and in the second grade. Eric and I were dating. I’d like to think it was pretty serious because I went over his house without my parents. Let’s just call that poor decision a product of the late 80’s and my abusive parents not giving a shit. All I remember about this visit is that Eric had a busted out old television console that housed a very large snake. Literally the only thing I remember about this boy. That and the fact that Eric broke up with me after recess one day because he wanted to play with me, and I didn’t hear him because I was jumping rope with my friends. This should have been a sign to me at a young age that boys need more attention than I had to give.
However, when he dumped me, I was sad.
Boy 2 – Flash forward to 10th grade (I had a dark period from 3rd-8th). This relationship is actually quite fuzzy in my mind. Lee liked me. But he also liked this other girl. Cue his internal struggle for months (which is years to a high schooler) to figure out if it was me or her. He breaks up with me because of this struggle.
I am heartbroken – again. He eventually realized I shouldn’t have been second choice, and wanted to reconnect, but at that point, my heart wasn’t willing to let him back in.
Boy 3 – It’s 11th grade and I’m 16. Vince and I meet. He’s dating a girl at my school, but I don’t know this when I start to like him. The boy was persistent after all, and I was blown away by his attention, humor, and confidence. It took some time, but he hooked me. Then, in his confusion about what he wanted and who he was, he broke my heart many times over the course of the next 6-7 years. This continued until he finally figured out I wasn’t going anywhere and he’d better like it. Lots of tears, screaming, threats, and actual wonderful memories filled that time. I wouldn’t change it either. It got us here. But he dumped me. A couple times directly…and other times in his indirect actions.
I was heartbroken – again and again and again and again.
Just Three?
That’s it. That’s my dating experience. Quite limited, yes. But again, I thought that was enough to know what goes on out there in wild…. but here’s my teenage daughter surpassing me in experience and proving me wrong.
The Role of the Dumper
In all 3 cases of Gianna dating thus far, Gianna has been the dumper. I am not counting her elementary school “relationships” since those really shouldn’t add to the tally for people that have had a decent number of swimmers in their dating pool past puberty (unlike me). Gianna has ended each relationship to preserve the feelings of the boys she’s dated (or almost dated). Each boy was kind, funny, and treated her the way you’d want your daughter to be treated. These boys weren’t confused at all. They liked her, a lot. She liked them…. just not in the way they each started to feel about her.
Gianna saw this early on and she knew that a serious, longer-term relationship was just not right for her at the time. She realized she liked/wanted her freedom more than she liked her boyfriend. Because of this, she made the hard decision to be the dumper.
Breakup Texts
I’ve watched her navigate the dumper side of breaking up. Kids now send texts/snaps to break up. Which shocked me at first. I am 40 after all and anything this heavy in emotion just feels like it needs to be done face to face. I find that impersonal and rude to just text. How can you have the audacity to hurt someone without seeing that emotion in their eyes? I would have been even more hurt each time I was dumped if the guy did it through a note. I was pissed at her the first time until she told me that’s how everyone does it. Everyone. So, my shock has lessened…. but I still don’t like it.
Her texts were honest and actually really hard for her to send. I never saw this side of a breakup. The emotion that’s there on the other end. The regret of hurting someone else. The need to do it anyways because the relationship is just not right for you. It’s eye-opening. But still, the distance and safety you get with a text break up is cushioning this experience. She didn’t realize this…
Until last week.
Getting Real
Very recently, Gianna broke up with her boy #3. He was wonderful and G really struggled with this one. Again, it was her – not him. This boy did something different though. After G broke up with him via text, he asked to talk in person. So, they met and talked it out. When she got home, the emotion was raw on her face. I could see how this affected her…seeing how her choice hurt a person she cares about. How confusing it was to make a decision and then question it when you saw that hurt.
She never had to experience that before. Until now.
She said it was the hardest thing she’s ever had to do. I love this for her. I love that she was put in the position to have this type of emotional experience face to face. I don’t love that my child is sad or that she now misses a boy she wanted to keep as a friend. But this is good. This is how life SHOULD be. Breakups should be emotional. You should see the hurt you cause someone. You shouldn’t be shielded behind technology from the pain you cause someone else. Kids are missing this.
I love this for her.
But I love this for me, too. It’s crazy that a 16-year-old can teach a 40-year-old about relationships. Through Gianna, I get to see the other side of the looking glass. The side of the dumper. And it’s giving me a fresh perspective on what the boys in my life could have been feeling. It helps me understand that struggle. Of not wanting to hurt someone but having to do it anyways because being with that other person is not right for you at the time. Or because you know prolonging the relationship will just hurt them more in the long run.
This side is new for me. The side of the dumper. I have a feeling I’ll be getting more and more insight as the years go by as each of my daughters navigate the dating world. So, it’s fine that I’ve been limited. I’m learning anyways. I’m learning that being the dumper isn’t necessarily easy. It can be just as emotional, if not more. And I relate to the boys in my life a little more now.
Except for Eric. He was 7 and insecure.
I was just jumping rope, asshole.