Family is the most important thing. My girls and Vince are my main “whys” for why I do what I do. They help give my life more purpose and fill me with love and a lot of laughter. However, my little party of five is a stark comparison to the family I was born into. It’s confusing that my world can be so full because of my children and husband, yet I didn’t have this type of connection for myself growing up.
I don’t talk to my immediate family. My mother died years ago so there’s just my brother and dad left. Still, it’s been decades since I’ve said two words to either of them. I know they are alive…but that’s about it. There’s no desire in me to reach out. I’ve made peace with that experience and took what I needed from it to grow into the person I am today.
The past gets brought up here and there though. Mostly by my middle child Scarlett. She’s the more sensitive one of the bunch, and has asked a handful of times why I don’t talk to my dad or brother, and why she hasn’t met them.
In those moments, I find my brain asking if I should introduce them. My kids do have an uncle and a grandfather who they have never really met.
But then I remind my brain that I probably wouldn’t be bringing any good into their lives. And I don’t owe them anything. My girls aren’t missing out by not knowing my dad or brother. My dad and brother are missing out by not knowing my girls.
That period of my life shaped who I am today, and I am grateful for it. I have compassion for my parents and brother. I understand now why things were the way they were. I don’t want to punish my dad for his past mistakes. I have forgiven him, my mom, and brother.
But that doesn’t mean I want them to be in my life. That feels too forced to me. It would be like inviting a stranger off the street. I know that he probably wishes that I would reach out, but it’s just not what I want. And I need to make decisions on what I want and what’s best for me and my family, not what I think will make anyone else happy.
What Dreams May Come
Despite my disconnection from my family, I recently had a dream about my dad. This was out of nowhere. Brains are funny like that. Why this dream swirled down through my mind is a mystery. But it stuck with me, and I wanted to document it here.
In my dream, I was going to visit my dad in the house I “grew up” in, but in this dream, I was also a garbage man. I do pick up litter a lot so I can see how my mind made this relationship happen. And, as a child, we did search through trash on garbage night to find things for our house since we were poor. We got a couch that way. I think that memory is a deep one for me so I can see why my dream would start here.
I don’t remember much about the dream, but one thing I do remember is I was standing next to my dad to help empty out his recycle can. I remember being pleased he recycled. Recycling means a lot to me. But I also clearly remember noting the many airplane bottles of alcohol that were in his can.
When I lived with my dad, he had a drinking problem. He could still, I have no clue.
As we emptied his can together, he talked about COVID and his unemployment situation. My dad has been unemployed for decades, so this was not pandemic-related. As we talked, I could clearly sense he was embarrassed by the contents of his recycle can. All the little alcohol bottles clinking together, telling the story of his drinking problem as the fell into my truck…
And then I woke up to pee.
That’s it. That’s the dream. It was vivid and real. It stuck with me for some reason. I wanted to write it down because I think there’s a message in there somewhere for me. I could make up all sorts of symbolisms with the trash and needing to clean out memories. Bottles keeping things contained and not expressing memories. Alcohol and suppressing memories…my relationship with alcohol (a story for another time). But I don’t think it’s a message to reconnect or anything. That doesn’t feel right. But maybe another layer of understanding I need to figure out?
As I always do, my curiosity led me to google it. And the answers are all over the place. Who comes up with these dream interpretations anyways?
After reading though the crazy, the only semi-logical interpretation is the one I came up with on my own. The dream could mean there are issues/feelings with my dad that I am not dealing with, and I need to address them. But I don’t understand how that’s true? I don’t feel like I am bottling anything up. I feel like I’ve shined the light on those issues years ago and put them to rest.
So maybe this dream was just a dream. An electrical pulse in my brain that crafted this connection of me and my dad, emptying alcohol bottles into a recycle can. I’m not sure. For now, I’ll put the dream to rest and move forward. I’m pretty sure I’m done with the past.