let’s face it, i don’t live for video

I’m a writer, a storyteller. It’s one of the things I love to do. It’s my jam. However, if you follow my FB page for the blog, you know that I started recording Facebook Live videos to support the blog posts I write here. It’s an idea I settled on a week or so ago when I was walking with Evie and listening to the book You Are a Badass at Making Money by Jen Sincero.

Sorry, not sorry

Yes, another book folks. I know I’m obnoxious about them, but I love books. This particular book hasn’t unveiled any new, earth-shattering tips but what is unique about this book is that I positively, abso-fuckin-lutely love this lady’s sense of humor. Me and her should be friends.

Anyhoo, in her book she talks about how to make money. Obv. One of the ways is to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and going outside what you would normally do in order to become more successful. Hmmm, what makes me uncomfortable?

Shorts. Shorts make me extremely uncomfortable. Walking in a bathing suit as my thighs clap together. Yes, all of that. However, I didn’t think those things could make me successful. 

Noodling over the idea more as I walked with Evie, back sweat dripping down into my butt crevasse, the idea of recording a video popped into my head. People love videos. I don’t get it. I don’t really enjoy watching them via social media unless it’s really short and includes dogs. I’d rather read. I only joined TikTok so I could feel connected to my 13 yo daughter.

Video is not my jam

I’m not comfortable at all recording myself. It’s why I’ve avoided it so far. However, while walking and thinking about being uncomfortable, video did pop into my mind.

Hey…….I could talk about my posts in an FB live. That’s easy…right? All I have to do is get on and talk about what I wrote and why. It’s not like I have to come up with some hilarious script and try to make the video viral or anything. I just have to say, “hey, I wrote this blog post and it’s about canning pickles or whatever. Check it out!”

As soon as the thought popped into my head, I knew that it was a message from the universe, as my BFF Jen Sincero would say. And that meant I had to do it. Dammit.

Going live makes me lifeless

So, I made my first live video on FB. I sat at my desk for a little bit beforehand, planning out what I would say. I wanted to talk about why I was doing the video and then introduce my recent post about wearing masks. I had this whole spiel in my mind that I would say. I would be funny and witty and compel people to visit my blog.

My heart skipped as I hit the “go live” button. Ok….here we go.

My mind went blank. Then, questions swirled in my head instead of statements I should have been saying to the phone perched on my computer.

What the hell was I doing? What did I want to say? What do I call the people watching? Friends? Why TF am I horizontal???

*Rotating the phone so I’m not sideways in the video*

Me: Hello FB page followers.

Oh. My. God.

Yeah … That’s how I led off. So damn awkward.

I couldn’t backspace and delete my words. They were out of my mouth and there for social media to choke down in all their pathetic glory. This is why I write and don’t speak!!!! I can’t take that idiotic first sentence back. Whhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyy???

Who loves watching a trainwreck? Follow me!

It didn’t get better. It’s like as soon as I hit that blue stupid ass go live button, the door in my mind that controls coherent thoughts slammed shut. I couldn’t string a good sentence together.

I saw my face as I talked and analyzed every odd facial expression as I made it. I took note of my obnoxiously gray hair. I’ve been going gray since after I had Gianna 13 years ago and I haven’t seen a stylist since February (Covid and Evie to blame).

Should I mention my hair? No, that’s off topic and you only have so much time in these videos before people totally lose interest. Despite not wanting to go off topic, I ramble on about how I hate video….focus, woman!!

I had planned to talk more about why I wrote the post about masks. To give more detail and hopefully incentivize people to want to read it. What seemed liked the whole year of 2020 later, I finally got to the point.

For my inaugural “blog post video lives” I want to talk about the post I wrote about masks.

Blog post video lives? Really Kris, that’s the best name you can come up with? My inner voice Nancy is having a field day. Don’t know Nancy? Read more about that bitch here.

Blog post video lives. Dear God. Nothing more creative circling around in the mush of a brain you have? How about Blog Bits? Curtain Shorts? I dunno. Why didn’t I think of a name beforehand?

This is not going the way I intended.

Put me out of my misery, please

Hitting end, I felt relief wash over me. That was only 3 and a half minutes. Why did it feel like 2 hours? Sooo fucking glad that was over. I did it!

The end product will not go viral, trust that. It’s a sad 3 minutes of me trying to form sentences. And, my second attempt at a live video later that same week was only an improvement because Miss Evangeline made a cameo. I think her sucking on her hands was more entertaining than the word vomit coming out my mouth.

Desperate to be more fun to watch (well, mainly to calm my stupid ass nerves) I used an FB filter to give myself a hat and sunglasses. Like John Belushi in Blues Brothers. Perry the Platypus in Phineas and Ferb. Or Frankenstein in Big Daddy with his magic sunglasses.