I have never found a church that felt like “home” to me. I’ve heard people say that their church is their family and they have this connection with the people and the place. For such a long time I felt like there was something wrong with me that I hadn’t felt this yet. Especially since I’ve been to my fair share of churches.
Something just always felt/feels off. At each church we’ve attended over my 40 years on this earth, I’ve just never felt that the place/people brought me closer to God. This is why I never “religiously” attend church. I go sporadically. I do get chills from the worship songs occasionally. I get choked up. And there are times when I do feel a connection. It’s not consistent though. I enjoy listening to my spiritual books and talking to God on my walks more than attending a service.
But over the summer, we started attending a nearby church fairly regularly. They had an interesting series of messages, plenty of fun events for the kids, and Evie surprisingly likes the children’s area, so we went more consistently than I ever have in my adult life. I felt like we were getting into a groove, and I didn’t mind the frequent visits. I didn’t feel SUPER connected, but I thought I could maybe get there. Maybe I just wasn’t giving church a fair shot by not attending often.
So, in a move uncharacteristic of me, I signed both Evie and Marina up for an upcoming Child Dedication ceremony that the church was having. I wasn’t sure of the specifics. I just saw the words “Child Dedication” on the website and thought it could be like baptism. Just us saying “yep, we want our kids to believe in Jesus.” I was down with that.
I opened the form, filled in the kids’ info and ours. All normal stuff. Until I got towards the end. Here they had a section called Belief Agreement, which said the following:
“We believe and are committed to raising our children according to the traditional biblical view of marriage (man and woman married and having a relationship with Christ). This does not exclude a single parent household who is committed to raising their children according to these principals.”
I was then asked to check “I believe”, or “I do not believe”.
I couldn’t move forward. What the hell was this? I wasn’t prepared for a gay marriage/baby out of wedlock question. I had never had a church blatantly ask me this or require a belief agreement. Why is this one question so pertinent that they ONLY include this in their agreement. Like this is the kicker and if you have a baby and aren’t married or support gay marriage, your kid shouldn’t be dedicated??
Beliefs
First off, I had 2 kids and wasn’t married at the time. I know that the bible doesn’t like this arrangement, and I wouldn’t steer my kids to do this. But I did it. I believe that my life is on the path it’s supposed to be on. I don’t think God minds the fact that Gianna was conceived before Vince got his shit together or that Scarlett was born before we had the chance to tie the knot. They were blessings. God-intended blessings.
Second, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with gay marriage. I think we all should have the same rights. I teach my kids that people love people, it’s not always man=woman. I would support their heart’s choice but I wouldn’t steer my kids to be gay if they weren’t gay. I believe it’s not a choice. God made gay people, straight people, and nuns. I joke…but I will raise my kids to have compassion, follow their heart, and not to judge others just because they aren’t like them.
Sure, the bible says certain things, but I do think the bible could be flawed since it was written, interpreted, and sections were excluded, by man. Whatever is written in the bible isn’t written in stone for me. I know that’s a big no-no from the church, but I said it and I mean it.
I believe I can feel and talk to God now, and I don’t think the God I know would create someone just to shun them. I believe my God is love and positive energy. God is stillness and peace.
This belief agreement from the church sounded judgey and negative…not what I equate to God.
So, I checked no. I do not agree. And hit Submit.
The Reckoning
Days later, I get an email from the director at the church asking to speak with me for 5 minutes. Duh, duh, dahhhhhh. We eventually connect on a phone call, and she skirts around the belief agreement saying that sometimes people fill them out quickly and enter the wrong info. She’s giving me the chance to revoke my checkbox choice. But after her spiel, I told her I did check “No” on purpose.
She didn’t seem phased, and she was rather nice about it all. She kindly expressed the church’s stance, and that the dedication isn’t really like a baptism. It doesn’t do anything for the child but is more for the parents to say we are going to raise our kids a certain way. The way their belief agreement states.
Sooooooo, turns out I’m not dedicating Evie or Marina. Even though I’m tempted to because they give away free stuff after. What is the free stuff?? What swag am I missing out on!?!?!? Just kidding. I can’t do it. I don’t believe what they believe at all. And I don’t know if I should keep going to that church or try and find a new one. At this point, I feel like there’s not a church for me except for the one outside my door with blue skies and green grass. And the one inside my heart.