We try to raise good children. Honest, funny, caring, aware, financially savvy, confident…all things we want our kids to be. We teach them to tell the truth, to never bully, to find the joy in life and see the positives. To recognize their impact on the Earth, to differentiate between needs vs wants. To save and invest their money and to not spend it on stupid crap they don’t need.
We teach them that normal is boring, that they are the only one of them on this planet and they need to be the best they can be and to not worry about anyone else. That the world is going to be unkind to them so they should always try to be kind to each other. To make home a safe space.
I feel pretty damn good about the parenting choices we’ve made so far. We’re not perfect but, like everyone, we are doing our best.
However, this week I got thrown into a parenting gray area. A situation where I couldn’t really tell what the right thing to do in terms of being an honest person was. Here’s what happened.
Learn how to pass a test
The final round of FSA testing was this week for the kids at school. These are the state tests the kids have to take every year. It’s a source of stress since the entire school year is basically centered around teaching students to pass the test. School grades and funding are based on these scores, so the schools really focus on the students’ ability to pass. Yep, we aren’t teaching them important skills or giving them knowledge to pass life. We just want them to pass a test. This is a sore subject with me… so I’ll move on.
Scarlett has been super stressed about the tests. She wanted to do well and was even going to study for them. I shot her down. She has enough going on in her life and honestly her scores really don’t matter this year. But even though I told her it didn’t matter, she still was extremely hung up on the importance of these tests.
What she did
Yesterday was the last day of testing. She came home and I could tell something was up. I asked her and she said that she wasn’t going to tell me, because she told Vince and he wasn’t happy about it.
Well, now my interest was piqued even more so I said she HAD to tell me what happened. You can’t bait someone with a story like that! She proceeded to tell me that she was taking her test at school, and she looked over at a boy sitting next to her. She noticed that he was cheating on the test somehow. I totally don’t understand what he did…but apparently it was cheating.
So, my child raised her hand and, when called on, said “Ms. C, can I talk to you?” She went up to her teacher and told her she saw the boy cheating. The teacher said thank you and Scarlett sat back down.
What’s right isn’t always right
Ok, so hearing this story…what would you do as a parent? My child was a snitch. No one asked her for info…she willingly called someone out for no reason other than her belief that these tests are super secure and important.
I wrestled with what to say. What’s the right thing? Honesty is important, yes. But no harm was being done to anyone. His score doesn’t affect her, and he wasn’t cheating off of her. She was a bystander in this situation. See something, say something? I don’t want her to not speak up when she sees something wrong… However… I don’t want to raise a narc either.
Who is this child?
Mind you, this is the child that used to sneak candy and hide the wrappers behind her bed. This is the child that stole money off of Vince and watched us search the entire house for it without saying a word. This is the child that swiped a hair barrette from the checkout line at Burlington Coat Factory and put it in her pocket.
She has never been prone to following the straight and narrow path. Which, if I’m being honest, I’m OK with. I like a person who questions rules and doesn’t do things just because someone says to. She tests boundaries. I like creativity and curiosity. She has a good soul but she’s always kept life interesting. She’s always been kind, but never 100% honest, despite our efforts.
So how did my money-stealing, candy-hiding, klepto child turn into the safety patrol? And, more importantly, how do I parent this? This is a gray area. Be honest, but don’t be honest unless someone is being hurt? Tell the truth, but only if someone asks you?
She felt she was right, doing what she did. So I guess I should just let her have confidence in her decision and not worry about it. I mean, we aren’t in the mafia…so she’s probably OK living with this pattern.