The scene.
Evie is naked, per usual. What potty-training toddler isn’t? Plus, I feel like her bedroom is a mile away now in the new house. It’s easier to let her go commando than walk upstairs to get her a pair of underwear.
So, there’s Evie in her birthday suit. She’s also on my countertop, squatting down so her head doesn’t hit the light hanging above her. Gianna’s boyfriend is standing nearby, getting ready to feed Evie her 50th snack of the day. He is so good with her, and she loves hanging out with him. Probably because he gives her gummy worms and soda all the time. Then apologizes to me like he had no clue that’s like giving her crack. But I like him anyways. Because despite giving her crack, he plays with her so well and that gives me time to get shit done.
There she is, my two-year-old buck naked on my month-old countertops – her bare bum hovering over the quartz (I think? Could be some other stone, I dunno. I’m not a designer.)
That’s when Evie sharts. That’s a fart that’s not ONLY a fart. It’s a shit as well. On.My.Kitchen.Counter.
If that’s not horrifying enough, I don’t think Gianna’s BF realized at first what happened and he proceeded to wipe up the mess…then smell the paper towel because he wasn’t sure how that mess got there or what it was. In his defense, it wasn’t obvious what just transpired on the slab of stone in front of him. He turned away for 3 seconds and was greeted back with a green-tinged puddle right under Evie’s bum.
I was impressed he didn’t vomit. Especially because Vince was making dramatic gagging noises while sitting on the couch as a 15-year-old boy cleaned up his daughter’s butt liquid.
G was napping on the couch, oblivious to all but was mortified and grossed out when we told Sleeping Beauty what happened while she was sleeping. Sharting on a countertop is bad, but it also didn’t help that Evie had just peed on our mulch bed outside right before this. She doesn’t squat and pee either. She stands in a full-on confidence pose and pees like a boy. Seriously, it’s impressive. After that she also straddled the couch like a horse with toilet paper stuck in her butt.
Maybe I should keep underwear on her at all times now. Things are getting weird.