postpartum

It’s been about 3 weeks since I had Marina and life has been all over the place. Acclimating to the new normal as a family of 6 has been…. challenging. We’ve all had to adjust our lives in some fashion. Evie might be having the hardest go of things. She’s had to give up her role as the baby of the family and share attention with Marina. This has equated to her being EXTRA whiny lately. And there’s nothing I can’t stand more than a whiny kid. I would rather wipe 50 shitty butts than deal with whining. But I’m doing my best to give her grace. I know this is a challenging time for her. She has a lot of emotions to deal with and she’s only 3. Yes, I’m doing my best… but my best isn’t always wonderful though.

Have You Seen My Shit? Because I’ve Lost It

Evie’s bad behavior has created the perfect storm for my mood. I am on edge most days because of how she is acting. That and the fact that my house seems to be in total disarray and my entire schedule has been uprooted. I know it’s only been 3 weeks, but my Type A side is irritated that I’m all over the place. I’ve lost my productive time. I can’t get up at 430 any more to accomplish things on the computer because I’m up throughout the night feeding the baby. I can’t be productive on the computer during the day because Evie is refusing naps and there’s so much work to do around the house. Laundry on the daily, floors are a mess, toys everywhere. Literally in every single room of my house, there is something of Evie’s. She spreads like a virus (I say that as lovingly as possible).  

I feel upended.

This is normal, I know. Life will get back on track. I just have to be patient. But KNOWING all this doesn’t necessarily make the minutes easier. I have lost my cool with Evie numerous times since Marina was born. She has intentionally pushed my buttons, and I’ve let a 3yr old puppeteer my mood. I’m not proud of it. I’m emotionally triggered, and I need to work through it.

Waiting for Crazy

Vince has been watching me since Marina popped out 3 weeks ago. I think, given my family’s mental history and my current mood, he is worried/expecting that I’m going to go all post-partum on the kids and do something insane. He eyeballs me when I yell. He’s worried about leaving the house. He just keeps watching me like Roz from Monster’s Inc.

This irritates me. Yes, Vince, if you are reading this, you watching me like I’m going to pop irritates the shit out of me. I get it. There’s history in my fam and I seem off, but I’m not going to hurt my kids. I couldn’t do that. I’m not feeling any feelings remotely near that type of behavior. I’m not depressed, I’m irritated. I think my emotions are 100% normal for the situation. I empathize with the moms that snap somewhere and do those horrendous things…but that’s not in me. Nowhere.

Right now, I’m dealing with a shitty 3-year-old. a 16-year-old that’s never home, a middle schooler (nuff said), a newborn, and a 40-year-old husband (also nuff said). My schedule is shit on and my house is a mess. I need grace to get my ducks back in a row. Stop watching me and judging every mini meltdown as a signal that I’m going to load all the kids in the car and do something drastic. That’s not going to happen.

Jesus, Take the Wheel

But I’m not going to lie. There has been one occasion recently where Evie made me snap. When I left to get Scarlett from school, I had the fleeting idea to just keep driving and not come back. The peace and order of the quiet car was so nice compared to the chaos of my house. I was tempted, for maybe all of 10 seconds, to just go. But then, I remembered who I was and all the things I love about my crazy family and that thought was gone.

So, I’m not going to drive off and leave. I’m not going to physically harm my kids. But I am most likely going to lose my temper at least 20 more times before this year is over. I’ll try not to. I’ll try to breathe through it and remember I’m in control.

This is a challenge, for sure. But nothing in life worth having is easy.