If you have ever seen me in real life, you can attest to the fact that I am not a fashionista by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve written before about my low maintenance, comfy style. So, I don’t think I am an expert on clothing in that regard. I’m not Cruella (awesome movie, btw).
However, where I lack in outfit selection, I feel I can definitely speak to function. Meaning, I know what works with life. I do drive a minivan after all. Not because it’s stylish, but because it WORKS with my life.
So, let’s talk function with clothing shall we? I’ll start with kid’s clothes. Because Evie consumes so much of my life right now that I think about baby/toddler clothes more than an adult should.
Function and Mother F’in Buttons
Why TF do manufacturers put real working buttons on kid’s clothes? Especially in the back…BEHIND THEIR HEAD? Have these people ever actually dressed a child?
Kids, especially toddlers, are squirmy and inattentive. I have about 45 seconds max to dress Evie before she implodes. I don’t have time to try and maneuver a tiny button through a little cloth hoop. I literally pin her body against mine and pinch the fucker through the loop – cursing to myself about why this button exists.
Damn you, Carter’s! Why do you torture parents?! Give us snaps or zippers ONLY. This is all we have time for.
Speaking of snaps, why aren’t the insides color-coded or numbered so you can match them up?? This isn’t an issue when you only have 2 or 3 on a shirt. But, if you are dealing with a sleeper, there are about 10 or so snaps that you have to put together. And I’ll be damned if I don’t get all the way around and see that dreaded gap that tells me I misaligned 1 damn snap. Now I have to unsnap ALL the damn snaps and start over.
Freaking annoying.
It would be so easy to number the snaps or color code every other one, so you at least know you are on the right snapping track. I’ve only come across one sleeper in my life that tries to solve this issue. All the snaps are silver, and the center one is gold. I mean, OK, that helps. That’s something. But that assumes I start snapping in the middle and I think only psychopaths do that.
Therefore, for sleepers, I only use zippers. Zippers are easy, just like my husband’s ex-girlfriends. 
(JOOOOOOOKKKKKIIINNNGGG, but funny right?!)
Seriously though, baby sleepers should only be zippers unless someone gets on that color coding request, stat.
Function and Babies in Dresses
OK, this really only applies for when your baby starts crawling/walking and then up to 2 years. During this time, these little ladies are moving all over the place – crawling. falling, walking, falling, climbing, falling, sliding, falling. You get the point.
Fucking dresses get in the way.
When they crawl, their knees go on top of the dress, so they are tripping themselves constantly. Then, when learning to walk, they fall down a lot and have to try and stand back up without getting caught on the damn dress. But of course, their foot gets caught in the dress and they are basically pinning themselves to the ground, unable to walk.
Along with the fact that your child is basically pinning and tripping themselves constantly on the dress, you have those damn matching bloomers (diaper covers) to keep track of. For me, this is like always having 1 sock laying around. These bloomers don’t have a home. You can’t hang them with the dresses, so what do you do?
If I ever actually put Evie in a dress, I don’t even use them because her diapers are cute and I want to show them off. But she rarely wears a dress. Half the time, she’s naked save for her diaper. Maybe that’s why people confuse her for a boy all the time.
I’m over it.
Function and Adult Stuff
Moving on to adult clothing, let’s talk about bras and swimwear, shall we? Why TF do these things have removable padding? Is it to annoy the hell out of women? I get so pissed trying to maneuver the padding back into place after washing my bras and swimsuits. Can’t we just commit to the padding and sew it in? There can’t be that many women out there that actually remove the padding.
Unless they like beaming and showing the world their nipples.
In order to combat the shifting padding, I started using laundry bags for my bras and swimsuits. That helps. Also, I am testing this fabric glue on a few bras and it seems to be holding up well. I’ve glued the padding and so far, no budging! I’m like MacGyver over here.
Next, tank tops with shelf bras. Does a shelf bra actually serve a function besides digging into your side? Whose boobs is this shelf providing support for?
No one’s, that’s who. I literally have size A long boobs, and a shelf bra does nothing for me. I should be the perfect candidate! If you’re reading this and you love shelf bras in tops, let me know why. I like to learn new things.
Finally, pockets that aren’t pockets. I’ve listed this under adult stuff but honestly kids get pissed about this too. Why would you include a non-functioning pocket on a piece of clothing? The entire purpose of a pocket is to perform a function. It’s not a damn ruffle. This is similar to a non-functioning button, but I could see how a button could also be seen as a bead. So, I’ll allow the non-buttoning buttons.
Non-pocketing pockets, however, are ludicrous.
I’m sure there are plenty more gripes and ideas on clothing functions. These are just the ones that have been plaguing my mind for years and I finally decided to put them down on paper, so to speak. Seriously, the buttons, snaps, and bra padding things have been on my mind for at least a decade.
Got any on your mind that are driving you batshit crazy?
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